Revealing a Disability?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Revealing a Disability?
56
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 6:52am

What's your opinion: A fellow from an online dating service we both belong to e-mailed me and over a few weeks we exchanged letters and phone calls then set up a time to meet. He was always very sweet and soft spoken and is an educated professional. When we met, we greeted each other, shook hands, and he took off his sunglasses. I consider myself a compassionate person, but it was a literally a frightening shock to see that he has that condition in a severe form in which one eye is normal and the other is permanently fixed as if it's looking way up at 10:00 and I think it's even more prominent because his warm complexion makes the whites of his eyes really stand out.

My father lost an eye due to glaucoma in his latter years and in the past I worked very closely with two dear people I came to adore who had less severe cases of the same eye problem this fellow has, so I don't think I'm being a cruel snob, but I was a bit dazed and gradually upset that he didn't clue me in on this before we met. He had sent me three pictures of himself, but one was with sunglasses and the other two were taken at a distance, so I was unprepared.

He was thoroughly kind, brought me a dozen gorgeous roses, and couldn't have been sweeter. Nevertheless, I don't like how he handled this. Sometimes I'm a little suspicious of people who are very, very nice.
I can imagine that he has problems finding dates, but I'm sure there is an online dating service for people with disabilities or malformities. If I had his condition, that is where I would look and I certainly wouldn't spring it on anybody.
On the other hand, I wonder if I'm being cold. I do not want to continue the relationship because I think what he did was a little underhanded. I was the one who suggested where we could meet which is a place in the hills between his home on the coast and my place in the desert. I was puzzled about his worry about getting home before dark because of the windy roads and I told him that it shouldn't be a problem because on his side of the hills there are towns all along the way, "unless you have a problem with night blindness." He didn't respond to that and went on to something else.

Anyway, I would be interested in hearing opinions: Do you think people you meet online should prewarn of disablities or should we all just look beyond this? Would you continue a friendship with this fellow? Would you tell him that he should tell women about his occular condition before meeting them?
Thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 12:22am

Sheri - I hope I haven't made any comments that indicated that I believe you would actually cross someone out because of a disability. If something I said was construed that way I apoligise.

I admit the term "blindsided" really got under my skin for the image it brought to my mind (as I previously described). I'm guessing my suggestion that I took it out of context was correct.

Anyway yeah it'd be tricky to make a checklist and/or cover all possible variables that could be out there.

I suppose like you I have been disappointed with OLD's many times. Back a few years ago I used to mention my disability prior to meeting and we'd continue on with email/IM etc but when we finally met it just wasn't "there". So I no longer spend a tonne of time online prior to meeting. . . often I'll go straight from dating website to IM for 10 minutes and then a quick coffee. LOL I only have time for IM etc on weekends and if I've got time to IM then I've got time for coffee :-) If someone draws my interest online I don't waste ANY time chatting - so between the "hi" and "wanna grab a coffee" there isn't room for much chatting . . . I pretty much cover the real details face to face. I can't tell you how often I've been totally enamoured by a man online one week but if I don't actually get that face to face experience - I am quick to forget him and emailing etc just drops off. If not interested upon meeting - well I've had a cup of coffee and wasted maybe an hour total.

And yeah - - my "dis"ability is not one that will progress. It requires no special care or treatment or aides. It's never caused me to miss a day of work. It truly is in my situation pretty much an aesthetic thing. So I'm not really setting someone up to fall in love with me and THEN drop a bomb on them . . . there's no hidden issues (ie can't have kids or anything).

LOL What you see is what you get ;-)

I'm often torn between two thoughts. Some days I consider myself quite lucky that my flaw is obvious and there is no question in meeting someone that they notice it.

But could you imagine how utterly awful it would be to be a woman who has endured a masectomy for example or a man who suffers from something down there that effects sex life (I can't think of a term offhand). OMG that would be so awkward. Of course you'd want to tell the man/woman before intimacy but when ?? That is such a personal issue. If I lost a breast - it would darn well NOT be anyone's business and I've got all the tools at my disposal to disguise it. I certainly would not feel it necessary to tell a man about this unless I planned to be intimate with him . . . but if it gets to that point then by most arguments on here it should have already been disclosed.

I guess I can consider myself lucky that I don't really have to "mention" anything because it's totally evident.

LOL someone asked me once what ONE thing I missed being able to do because of my leg . . . the answer was simple - I will NEVER be able to be in total disguise for Halloween because once I walk people will know who it is :-) How's that for a regret?? LOL Guess if that's my biggest worry than I'm in pretty good shape :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 1:25am
I see your point of where to draw the line on what you reveal to someone. I don't think that the guy who had the odd eye should have really felt compelled to tell the OP about his condition before meeting up. I don't know if I would have said anything. I probably would have posted a close up picture so the guy could tell that I had an eye that was out of place but I wouldn't have said anything about it.
I can see why you would be sensitive to sorts of things like this. I think in my case the man who had MS probably should have told me that he had it and told me about it beforehand so that I was prepared before the date because it is a serious/debilitating disease in which his lifespan could be shortened and all other sorts of complications.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 1:49am
It's crazy that you mentioned having to disclose something that isn't evident but it's private and important to disclose eventually if you get intimate. I have one of those situations and it's really difficult for me to decide when and to whom to disclose this information. It's not major in my eyes but could be major to someone else. I always choose to disclose this after someone has gotten to know me pretty well and before getting intimate. It's never easy though for me and makes dating more challenging but also makes me more selective and careful as well. It's also up to the other person as to whether they can accept me for who I am though and I always try to choose people wisely who are open-minded who really like me for who I am. We all have something really, something that sets us apart from others that others may not accept whether it be that we are overweight, too tall, STD, have a disability, too short, balding, been divorced 2 times and have children etc etc. so we should look at others with an open heart and mind for the most part because we could be pushing away someone that's really good if we are too judgemental. I mean we can have our list of things that we definately won't accept and are not attracted too but we can bend some of the "gray area rules" sometimes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 2:23am

LOL Crazy that I mention it ??? Not sure what you mean by crazy whether it's crazy ironic or crazy nutso but everything else you've said I appreciate and agree with.

It's difficult to know when and with whom to share these personal issues. I mention the masectomy only because OMG that would be SO private in my opinion and with all the products on the market that a woman can wear to (I am loathe to use the word "disguise" in this sentence) cover it, well IMO that is something that I would only feel the need to share with someone I see myself having a future with. I imagine it would take a great deal of trust in someone to share something like that. But by the time I feel that trust for him I would imagine that he would be feelign something strong for me as well - and now I am surprising him with something that I had kept to myself. It's a difficult position in which i hope I never find myself.

I know when I used to speak to men online for any extended period of time - it became more difficult because in those situations I do feel "obligated" to share my situation simply because it is a part of me and has of course had an impact on the person I have become. It is part of my "life experience" and when maintaining a strictly email or telephone relationship if only due to long distance - you do feel you are becoming emotionally intimate and these are experiences that you would share with someone that you are developing a bond with.

LOL - That's partially why I have made it policy to just cut RIGHT to the meeting whenever possible.

So yes - having a condition that is only going to be seen by those closest/or intimate with you . . . I can emphatize with the "how do I say it" part. Admittedly in my past experience easier because it's via email . . . . in person would be so difficult. I'm actually right now feeling quite fortunate in that all this thought of masectomies and how that would impact a woman in the dating scene has me pretty grateful that I'm not in that position.

You're right about all the gray areas and that EVERYBODY - whether it's on the outside or the inside - has "issues" or my preferred term - "quirks".

My best friend has always been extremely selective in that men she was with always had to be physically buff and tone and perfect. She fell madly in love last year with a self proclaimed couch potato with a beer belly and soft biceps. He doesn't even wax his back or chest which was always an absolute MUST for her :-) I'm shocked but as she said it there's just some incredible quality about him that draws her like a magnet. She refers to him as her cuddly bear :-) Go figure :-) She tells me she would never have given him a moments notice in OLD because of his looks - the charm and magnetic "quality" that even she can't figure out could only be appreciated in person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 10:54am
I meant crazy as in "ironic" lol. Because it made me think of my situation and the difficulties I have bringing things up. I do believe that there is someone for everyone though regardless of what things that we might have that might hinder us meeting someone. I think these "quirks" or disabilities sometimes make us better people with a lot better personalities than the people who were blessed with good looks, thin bodies, perfect health and no disabilities.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2005
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 7:11pm

Hello Sheri....

I just wanted to let you know that your POV is in my POV right on!
I agree a major disability MUST be disclosed. As you mention the core of the issue is not the disability but the lack of disclosure of it ...

However, if I was in the case of Barbara Helene, since she states in her 1st post, that "she limps" and that to most people her state goes unnoticed, ie “I have minor cerebral palsy (or it could have been a stroke at 6 months -no official diagnosis). Very Very minor - no walking aids required, no handicapp sticker on the car” I think would not mention it from the get go either. I would wait and see if he noticed and asks during our 1st meeting. If he did notice I would be honest and opened to any questions he may have about it. Since it is as she said her state is “Very Very minor” I would take the chance if I had it. Chances are he may even not notice it,or believe it is sport related (ie false move at the gym or whatever). I would not offer the information because I think that people, in general, tend assume the worst when they hear the word disability... even if the reality,some cases, is less "tragic" then the word might transcend it to be ...

Many of my friends and ex-boyfriends have admitted to being uncomfortable with the fact that I have cp at first. But with time, many admitted to being amazed by how well I deal with everyday life. I am certain it’s the same with Barbara Helene.

In many ways, I wish I could have spared these people or myself this uncomfortable feeling. In my case, since my walking aids are so noticable ;-) I choose to & feel that I had to disclose my state in my profile or before the 1st meeting.

But that's just me .....

Take care
Winnie




Edited 10/27/2006 10:10 am ET by funnywinnie10

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