revealing too much too soon online?
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| Thu, 05-26-2005 - 10:46am |
I met a man on-line a few days ago. I actually winked at him first and when he winked back, I waited for him to email for over a day and finally wrote him a short email. I couldn't help myself. He is my total physical type and we seem to have a lot of important things in common. He responded and seemed happy to hear from me, saying he wasn't a subscriber when I winked at him but joined so he could respond to me...even though I'd seen him lurking on the site for several days before I had the nerve to wink at him. Good right?
After two emails from me and one from him, he told me something about his past that might affect my decision to get to know him more but I assured him that it's in his past. He said he did not want to waste my time if I had a problem with it and complimented me for my intelligence, how good a person I seem to be, how impressed he is with my profile, etc., and said he would want to get to know me more if it's okay with me. He responded to all my emails in less than 12 hours, some even within the hour even though I waited 24 hours to email him back. I really want to meet this guy and am hoping he'll ask for my number very soon. Should I suggest it?
He is very respectful and just seems like a really good guy but I want to know also why a man would tell you something about his past that happened years ago that you normally would not reveal unless you know a person for some time. I'm not going to say what it is but let's just say it shocked me and turned me off at first not because it was something that I would rule a man out for but because I did not want to know so soon. To build up a false sense of intimacy or because he has a guilty conscience or perhaps something else? I think his strategy could potentially turn off a lot of dating prospects so I don't know why he did it with me even though I tend to be understanding of others if they explain themselves to me. His excuse is that the question I asked him sparked off a thought and reminded him of this thing he revealed to me and since he likes to be completely honest in all his dealings, he felt the need to tell me. What do you all think?

It could be that he's found it's a dealbreaker for many women, so he's decided to reveal it upfront rather than go out a couple of times and risk wasting his time if he's only going to be rejected anyway.
If he doesn't ask for your phone number in his next email, I would say something like, "I really prefer to get to know someone in person rather than over email. My number is --------, please give me a call so we can talk and figure out if it makes sense to meet for coffee".
Sheri
Just wanted to say that I agree with Sheri. I think that if someone has an issue that is a dealbreaker for some people, it is a tough call when to reveal it and some people like to disclose upfront so they don't waste your time or theirs if you can't handle it; and some people like to wait and get to know you first, either b/c they don't want to reveal it unless you are someone they see a future with - or in hopes that you will be more willing to look past it once you are starting to become attached. I think it takes a lot of courage to reveal something that may be a turn-off to someone right off the bat so I commend him for having the courage to be honest with you.
I recently had a guy who I had traded a few emails with tell me that he is bi-sexual and non-monogamous and hoped I was okay with that - um, NO! - but I did appreciate him telling me that upfront as there is no way we could have a future and meeting would have been a waste of both of our time.
Like Sheri, after a few emails if the guy hasn't mentioned meeting and I am interested I send him my phone # and nine times out of ten he calls within a couple of days. Good luck! :)
Hi,
Don't ignore the "I joined just to communicate with you" thing, either. I agree with the others that he is not into wasting your time. wanting to meet him depends, for You, and it is Your decision, on whether this is ongoing, a one time thing, or something you can live with, knowing about it. If it is criminal record, Please consider hitting the Ding! Next! button, now, before you put your emoitons on a line that may turn out to be runaway train tracks--ouch!
All in all, it is your call, so no harm in meeting him somewhere public for coffee. Please do not be lured into giving out very personal info on Yourself because he has done so.
OLD might lead us to be a Biiit more 'CSI', but for good reason, most of the time.
Good luck!
Truly,
Cupcake