Is this rude?
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| Tue, 12-19-2006 - 11:16am |
I had a date with a guy recently that rubbed me the wrong way. Could you please tell me if this would bother you too or am I overreacting?
I get to his house and he's watching a movie. I had brought us takeout. We sit down to eat and he doesn't want to talk, he wants to keep watching this movie on the couch while he eats. So, we eat on the couch facing the tv when he has a perfectly good table we could have eaten at and actually face each other.
He does ask, "do you mind if I watch the rest of this movie? It's almost over. I'd rather finish it while it's all fresh in my head still. What am I going to say, yes I mind? I was thinking, 'gee, great to see you too!'
Well, then I realized, wait a minute, this is Pirates of the Caribbean...a looong movie. After about 10 mins I told him that it's no where near being finished. He just said 'really?' I pretty much had to prompt him again to turn it off. Then, I said, 'Okay the movies gotta go off..there's still like 45 minutes left of it'. So, then he turned it off.
My mood got all messed up because here I had brought him dinner and he was more interested in watching this movie than with sitting down and actually communicating and getting to know each other more. That was just too passive for me. Yes, we've watched a movie together before, but that was after we carried on conversation for a while (not to mention started it at the beginning for *both* of us to enjoy). I find it hard to believe there's nothing left to learn about each other! Just to spur conversation, I asked, "so, what's your middle name?" he told me then asked what mine is. Then he asked 'so what else do I not know about you?" I said with a smile, "well, plenty". He just snickered and then got up to go put on *another movie*.
I admit that I started to act a little cold to him after that. Guess he's not that into me...lol...I've barely heard from him after that night. I talked to him today and he said he thinks I was being bossy that night.
How am I the bad guy in this? What do you all think about this? Wouldn't you want him to turn off the movie?

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Devorah,
I'm glad you're ready to move on. I just wanted to comment on the "romantic evening together" you thought he had in mind.
I've known guys like that. (I was married to one, though I must say he didn't show his true colors in our dating, even though we slept together relatively soon.) They equate "romance" with "coziness" and their goal is to get a woman to the stage in a relationship where the guy can "be himself" around her and get unconditional nurturing. Watching a movie of his choice while you provide dinner and sit by him and cuddle afterwards may have been his fantasy of "romance."
There are actually guys in the 45+ age range who describe this "cozy scenario" as one of their goals in their profiles on OLD sites. Having been married to a guy like that, I hear all sorts of bells jangling in my brain at the, "cozy evenings together watching movies" line.
YOu're well rid of the jerk.
Elsa
Well, I will say I am curious since I also did j-date in Chicago. I'm 34--- and I found after 32 the selection of men seem to go DOWN. How old are you and what age range do you date? Trust me I had done j-date on and off for YEARS. My sister met someone that she married from there and I know about 30 couples that met and got married so it does work! But sometimes the selection is less than desirable! I never believed in a lot of this "if you aren't looking it will happen crap"--- however, over Thanksgiving when I was visiting my sister--- I did meet someone! A nice Jewish guy, 38, never married, good loooking and successful! And he wants marriage and children! He is my brother-in-law's first cousin--- talk about not looking! Here I was at my younger sister's who just had a baby and I thought I would be all depressed--- instead I end up meeting a really great guy! So, I am now a believer! I know it sucks to be single--- trust me I've been there most of my life!
So how old are you and what else do you do besides j-date to meet guys?
Ariel
Elsa, I think you pegged this guy right!
"Watching a movie of his choice while you provide dinner and sit by him and cuddle afterwards may have been his fantasy of "romance."
This guy actually did make
Hi Ariel,
That's wonderful that you met someone while 'not looking'! It's probably too early to say Mazel Tov, but mazel tov anyway! ;) Are you planning to see him soon? Does he live close to you?
I'm 29 and I prefer to date men who are between my age
Devorah,
I am about to go there for two weeks today! (I am a teacher and on break) Here's my recommendations to try as well--- look into the j-date trips- I did three of them--- and honestly, you get guys who are decent there or who aren't on j-date but coming with a friend who is. It really was a nice break from the dating scene (believe it or not!) and I felt better and refreshed after the trips.
Go to things like the Matzoh Ball--- the big events like that are great and people come out of the wood work for stuff like that. I also joined charity events such as Starlight and look into Haddassah--- ways that you can meet other women who may have someone to fix you up with. And don't overlook guys who are a few years older--- the guy I met is 38 (I am 34)--- but going back to when I was 29, I wish I may have been a little more open to guys a few years older than I had thought. So, I just say that because this guy who is 38 doesn't look it (but trust me there were PLENTY of guys who seemed OLD at 35!) Believe me, I was five years older than you and SO sick of dating and panicking about having kids, etc.--- and I did find in my 30's a lot of people did meet people! So if it doesn't happen this year-- hang in there--- I did! And you will get idiots telling you left and right you are "too picky" or "why not date a non-Jewish guy"--- but you know what you want--- I was open to guys 8 years older, bald, short, divorced, even got to the point I would accept a guy with one child--- and guess what--- the guy I found--- had all of the qualities that I wanted---- and the some of them were an added bonus--- close to my age, tall, very handsome, never married, nice hair--- so it CAN happen.
I also have two friends--- one who is 41 and the other, her friend who is 40--- both never married, both met guys at 40--- and they are GREAT guys--- not people they "settled" for. (Not that you or I wanted to wait till 40) but my point is that it can happen and not to think that you will be alone forever. My sister met someone at 27--- he was 41 (and he doesn't look it!) on j-date and married him. I am not into that kind of age difference for myself--- but I did try to ask him how he waited it out--- because he was never married and seemed "normal". So, try the trips, seriously, I always felt better after them because it was more fun than being a face on a sight.
But it CAN happen--- if it can happen to me--- I have faith for you!
Ariel
Devorah,
Well, you're certainly right to get rid of the guy. In the end, his is the "lazy and self-centered idea of romance," and you can do better. I'm glad you find my responses amusing. If we didn't laugh at these guys, we'd have to bang our heads against the wall and scream. ;)
Elsa
"here I had brought him dinner and he was more interested in watching this movie than with sitting down and actually communicating"
You just described my ex to a T, lol. Thank goodness he's my ex ;)
That was very rude of him and I don't think I would have even stuck around for him to "finish" watching it. And I can't believe he had the guts to put on *another* movie!!
Honestly, I think you should drop this guy. There are too many other men waiting out there for you ;) Don't settle!!! That's my #1 rule.
Maria
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