rules

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
rules
22
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 12:10pm

do you think sometimes we impose to many rules that we run the possibility of ruining a good date because we cannot be relaxed and just go w the flow of things because of past issues/ being burned before??

Do rules /your own in your head - ruin the chance of sponataneity?

If you were a man and just laidback, wanted to get to know someone on a first or 2nd date , would this impede your ability to see the "real" person if they couldn't be more laidback and just let things flow??

Just curious? how many do this or not?

i have in the past kept my rules in my head and not let the guy see them but i wonder if they do or by comments I had made if they thought i was just not laidback enough for them?

comments??

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2005
In reply to: rosema1
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 1:31pm
I don't know- give me
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
In reply to: rosema1
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 1:59pm
I am curious too. I met this guy online and we seem to click. My family is in town so we couldn't meet this week. We did talk about arranging another date after they leave next week though. After the meet we talked on the phone a few times and he kept saying that he wanted to see me again. He hasn't called after my parents arrived though, and I am not sure if it's because he didn't want to take time away from my family or what...? I wanted to call/email him but I am afraid that I would seem too forward and that might scare him away. This is one of the situations which I don't know if I should follow the "rules" (wait for him to initiate contact), or act on my heart. Though sometimes I think that if he's truly interested, he could've at least emailed me to check how things are... Any input would be appreciated. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2005
In reply to: rosema1
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 2:19pm

I honestly don't see a problem, if you drop him an email and just casually mention that your family has left and whenever he is free to give

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
In reply to: rosema1
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 4:11pm

To me-I just don't feel that there are no set rules that can apply to everyone.

CL-Truewild1969

For further information regarding OLD including FAQ please visit our OLD Website at;

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: rosema1
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 4:41pm

If someone is right for you, you'll be right for them, just as you are. If it's your natural behavior to be a little more structured, then someone who's right for you will be fine with that, and vice versa.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
In reply to: rosema1
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 5:38pm


I guess what i am trying to say is sometimes we let our fears get in the way and ruin a perfectly good 1st or 2nd date and then wonder why we never hear from them again

yes our past /men in our life or our friends stories have jaded us a bit. but i guess i have posted on here about "rules"..and some have gone w/their heart here on this board and seem to be doing ok w/ no rules. and i guess men don't follow rules but women seem to

maybe we shouldjust go w/ our heart more and just flow, because like Jodi said it doesn't matter it will either work out or won't no matter if you sleptw/ them on date 3 or 6 mths.. key is to be yourself so they can get to know the real you?

and i am not saying follow rules and be soo guarded but to just be yourself and go w the flow w/ things. don't let on to a guy that no you can't sleep w/ him until we have dated 6 mths. just go w/ your heart and let it flow but also know in the back of your mind that if he is just out for one thing you will find that out by date 3 or 1 month in..

by following rules and not going w/ the flow you may lose out in meeting a great guy who doesn't have time for that OR impede the possibilities of spontaneity in dating..

?? opinions? I know this goes against what i have said before. and yes i have been hurt when I have just followed my heart and my instincts were right on.. thinking this guy was the one.. but should i let that jade me and not just be myself and move forward w/ love?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
In reply to: rosema1
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 8:43pm

“Do rules /your own in your head - ruin the chance of spontaneity?”

It depends. I’m all for spontaneity but sometimes early on yes my rules/guidelines could ruin the chance. However I will say in the past I have jumped right in, had sex early on, went with my “feelings” only later to regret not going slower. Yes I understand the end result undoubtedly would have been the same “splittsleville” and it’s better for some to find out sooner rather than later but for your own heart if you need to go slow even though you’d rather be tearing their clothes off and having wild passionate sex the reality of it, why rush? What’s the hurry? Look at your next dating prospect that you’re into as a bottle of fine wine to be savored and enjoyed, not just down it w/in one sitting so to speak.

With that said, I think most of us censor what we’ll say early on especially if the signals aren’t clear. How many posts do you see here about “should I call him” “should I email him” should I ‘ask him out” …. “did I have sex too early or not early enough” “well, I emailed him an hour ago, guess he’s blowing me off (only to resurface and once again & jumped to conclusions based on past relationships) the list goes on. Or they want you translate some one liner for example, he said my butt looked nice “what does that mean” “was he being condescending” “is he looking for sex” as I said jokingly we women analyze way too much as opposed to taking things at face value and enjoying the moments.

Rather than focusing on the rules for yourself to protect your heart I’d say try to enjoy the journey more. The right guy will respect you and if you need to go slow he’ll understand that, if you want to jump in (he won’t judge you) if he questions that then he’s just not the right fit for you. You need patience and understanding and once you trust them and open up more what a bonus for the man or woman in my book!

I’ve said this before there are no absolutes when it comes to relationships. Every person you date you will have varying experiences. If you want to jump in, go for it, if you want to go slow then you can do that too.

I would also say not to be so overly picky. The first sign some guy does a random act of anything, everyone here is so quick to pull the trigger – relationships won’t come prepacked the way you wanted, you have to mold, communicate and come together. You had two lives before you met and now you have to find a way to make it work together and give a little.

Cheers,
The Small Peanut

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
In reply to: rosema1
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 2:12pm
Excellent post. I particularly liked your last paragraph. I actually have spent time with the one guy (first guy I met via OLD) whom I "thought" was not interested in me in the beginning. It was several months ago that we first made contact and met. Now, I hear from him 2-3 times a week and he's called and actually came to see me one night. I never dreamed we'd ever be friends, much less seem to be getting closer with each conversation. It's still too soon to know exactly where this is headed, but if I had written him off totally or treated him badly just because he wasn't contacting me (as much as I wanted), I doubt that things would be as good as they are between us. You never know. So, it's wise to keep an open mind and open heart.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
In reply to: rosema1
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 2:38pm

>Do rules /your own in your head - ruin the chance of sponataneity?

I think what you have in your head is experience and there is a subtle difference. A rule tells us what we should and shouldn’t do whereas experience tells us what happened the last time we did something. I suppose what I’m trying to say is that if the rules are based on some arbitrary theory of how men work then you won’t have much luck. But if your “rules” were derived from experience then it would be wise to follow them.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: rosema1
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 4:27pm

Yep...I absolutely agree. My guidelines are based on the experiences I've had over the years (and those of my friends and acquaintances), rather than being arbitrary "rules" that someone else came up with.

Sheri

Pages