rules

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
rules
22
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 12:10pm

do you think sometimes we impose to many rules that we run the possibility of ruining a good date because we cannot be relaxed and just go w the flow of things because of past issues/ being burned before??

Do rules /your own in your head - ruin the chance of sponataneity?

If you were a man and just laidback, wanted to get to know someone on a first or 2nd date , would this impede your ability to see the "real" person if they couldn't be more laidback and just let things flow??

Just curious? how many do this or not?

i have in the past kept my rules in my head and not let the guy see them but i wonder if they do or by comments I had made if they thought i was just not laidback enough for them?

comments??

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
In reply to: rosema1
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 5:10pm

-- my post got lost
"But if your “rules” were derived from experience then it would be wise to follow them."

be careful about comparing/ or using guidelines from experiences.

we have all had bad and good experiences and sometimes the more experiences we have we use rules to guide us and not every person is alike..

also if one has too many bad experiences they may extrapolate those rather than the good ones and use those experiences and make judgements and really ruin it for the good guy

i say forgo experience.. just go w/ the flow and if you get burned guess what it isn't the right guy.

i am forgoing rules and going w/ my heart. again yes people earn trust by their actions. go by their actions and your instincts.

don't compare. just go w/ the flow and let go.. be yourself.. and if they don't like it, guess what not the right one! :)

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: rosema1
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 5:37pm

What is it with this idea that you can't "be yourself" unless you are throwing caution to the winds?

I find that kind of...not offensive, exactly, but like I am being told that how I am by nature is "wrong".

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
In reply to: rosema1
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 6:03pm

"I find that kind of...not offensive, exactly, but like I am being told that how I am by nature is "wrong"."
hmm - so you are saying by nature you are the way you are and not anything to do w/ your experiences???

cuz that is what i am implying that our experiences either good or bad can prohibit us from being less laid back and just going w/ the flow

i am learning by my own experiences that the older i get the more experiences people have, more hurts, more memories,, sometimes leads to more jaded thinking , which causes us to put up our guard more and not just let it be natural and flow.. so when the good guy did/does come along i/we compare him to the past. and i see it here. we are so quick to make a judgement that a guy is bad based on our "own" experiences
i say be yourself but being too cautious/too guarded ruins things to move naturally

maybe i am cautious by nature too but learn that each individual /experience needs to be treated separately and not compared to a past one.. the past is past and that is where it needs to say..




Edited 10/31/2005 7:07 pm ET by rosema1
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: rosema1
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 6:16pm

Ok, thanks for clarifying. We just disagree then ;-).

I am cautious by nature, and my dating experience has made me more so. It would be going against my nature to NOT be cautious, and any time I have done so (i.e., listened to all those societal voices saying "go with the flow" and "you just know"), I have regretted it. For me, it's best to stick with being *myself* (i.e., cautious) and going with MY flow (slow and steady), than to throw caution to the winds to satisfy someone else's idea of what is "natural" and "going with the flow".

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
In reply to: rosema1
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 6:26pm
on some part we can agree to disagree. :) .. but on the other i do agree that yes be yourself and if that is you are cautious by nature (me too) then by all means do what makes you feel comfortable the right guy will respect that.. :) i am guess recommending that sometimes we can be overly cautious, so we should try and relax a bit more, and also not to judge /compare every guy to the all the joes smoes in our life that have left us a bit jaded.. there are still alot of good ones left. :)..
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: rosema1
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 6:32pm

Well, I've never had a bad experience being "overly cautious", just with not being cautious enough ;-).

But I should emphasize that "cautious" means exactly that...it doesn't mean I won't give someone a chance but rather that I take a "wait and see" attitude. And I don't really compare one guy to the next, but rather, I evaluate a new guy against MY boundaries. Of course those boundaries have been influenced by my previous relationships, but I give each guy a fresh slate.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
In reply to: rosema1
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 11:51pm
OH Boy there are rules to dating. This scares me. I must have been living under a rock. Not my rules but my thoughts or ideals.
I will tell a person anything I have nothing to hide . This is me and I am not ashamed of the life I had lead. I have learned from my mistakes and will say so durning the conversation.
To treat my date as I would like to be treated with respect. I dont judge a person for I have not been in their shoes.
And I fly by using my heart, not some formula that stated I should do this or that .
For I am a romantic I use my heart and honesty to show my intentions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
In reply to: rosema1
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 3:17am

>we are so quick to make a judgement that a guy
>is bad based on our "own" experiences

If this is happening then it is not your experience that is the problem, it is how you are applying it. I read an interesting quote: "Learning is the assimilation of knowledge. Wisdom is the correct use of this knowledge".

>cuz that is what i am implying that our experiences
>either good or bad can prohibit us from being less
>laid back and just going w/ the flow

You are implying that finding the right person is based entirely on luck. I think it is completely reckless to ignore past experience because you fear it will impair judgement. What else is there if we can’t use experience to make judgements? Can you please explain what you mean by "Going with the flow". Does this mean if you are dating someone abusive you should "roll with the punches" because things may be different this time? A very dangerous attitude.

>by nature too but learn that each individual
>experience needs to be treated separately and
>not compared to a past one.. the past is past
>and that is where it needs to stay.

I disagree completely. If we ignored experience we would never evolve. Experience tells us the difference between good and bad and allows us to learn from our mistakes so we don't repeat them. Experience allows us to move forward more intelligently.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
In reply to: rosema1
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 9:35am

"If we ignored experience we would never evolve. Experience tells us the difference between good and bad and allows us to learn from our mistakes so we don't repeat them. Experience allows us to move forward more intelligently."


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CL-Truewild1969


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
In reply to: rosema1
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 2:39pm

You are implying that finding the right person is based entirely on luck. I think it is completely reckless to ignore past experience because you fear it will impair judgement. What else is there if we can’t use experience to make judgements? Can you please explain what you mean by "Going with the flow". Does this mean if you are dating someone abusive you should "roll with the punches" because things may be different this time? A very dangerous attitude.

ok where did i say finding the right person is by luck, no it will happen when it happens. we have no idea the whats,whens or whos.. Where did i ever say someone should be in an abusive r'ship. I am talking the first steps of dating. We are so quick to judge someone and be soo on guard that the date/ does not "flow" naturally we are not ourselves because we are sooo cautious..Everyone has been hurt get over it, check your baggage at the curb and start fresh..

obviously the more you get to know someone you will know if they are abusive and should obviously walk away.

go w/ the flow is be yourself let things just flow on a date and stop making judgement that he is like so and so because of this or that. get to know THAT person and not compare so much . You are totally off the topic i was discussing meaning flow= spontaneity.

>by nature too but learn that each individual
>experience needs to be treated separately and
>not compared to a past one.. the past is past
>and that is where it needs to stay.

I disagree completely. If we ignored experience we would never evolve. Experience tells us the difference between good and bad and allows us to learn from our mistakes so we don't repeat them. Experience allows us to move forward more intelligently.

Of course you do grow from experience. But don't let your bad experiences impair your judguements on everyone you meet . A new guy or girl should n't have to pay for a past' guy/or girls behavior. everyone is different and we should free our minds of any past judgements and get to know that person for them not to compare to someone else.

WE evolve because we learn.. and yes we do learn from our mistakes and hopefully grow . but doesn't mean every person we meet that we should always be on guard because we got hurt before.. everyone has past hurts.. sometimes if we have more bad experiences than good our judgement is impaired that everyone is bad and vice versa.. if you have all good experiences you are more open and not soo scarred. think about when you were 16, carefree attitude because you had no bad /experiences.
there are just too many rules in dating in general and that is my point..

so what i am saying is try to check your baggage at the curb and try to be positive about the people you meet instead of judging them right away or comparing them.

It is unfair to that person to compare him /her to someoen else. get to know them first before making quick judgement and dating should just be fun it should n't always be about rules and being on guard.. just watch your emotions and don't dive in head first