rules

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
rules
22
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 12:10pm

do you think sometimes we impose to many rules that we run the possibility of ruining a good date because we cannot be relaxed and just go w the flow of things because of past issues/ being burned before??

Do rules /your own in your head - ruin the chance of sponataneity?

If you were a man and just laidback, wanted to get to know someone on a first or 2nd date , would this impede your ability to see the "real" person if they couldn't be more laidback and just let things flow??

Just curious? how many do this or not?

i have in the past kept my rules in my head and not let the guy see them but i wonder if they do or by comments I had made if they thought i was just not laidback enough for them?

comments??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
In reply to: rosema1
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 2:56am

You write: We are so quick to judge someone and be soo on guard that the date/ does not "flow" naturally we are not ourselves because we are sooo cautious.

I previously said: "If this is happening then it is not your experience that is the problem, it is how you are applying it. I read an interesting quote: "Learning is the assimilation of knowledge. Wisdom is the correct use of this knowledge".

You write: "Of course you do grow from experience. But don't let your bad experiences impair your judgements on everyone you meet"

See above:

Experience is everything that happens to us, both GOOD & BAD. You (quite correctly) say that people should not let bad experiences impair judgements on everyone meet. Again, see what I wrote above. People should not let ANY experience impair their judgement. This does NOT mean they should ignore past experience because as you said, we would all go back to being 16 and make the same foolish (innocent?) mistakes, again and again.. ad nauseam.

I have had good relationships and a bad relationship. The good relationships have a clear and recognisable pattern even though each woman was different. The bad relationship was very different almost from the start. But due to my lack of experience with this type I "went with the flow". It was the most miserable dating ordeal I have ever endured. You could almost say that my good experiences impaired my judgement, I never imagined a woman could be that bad. But that experience taught me so much about people and myself. Basically, good people are inherently good and bad people are inherently bad whether they are male or female. That bad experience happened 5 years ago and has NEVER happened since and I can assure you, quite confidently, it will NEVER happen again. Not because I'm jaded, bitter or avoiding women, but because I am experienced.

>if we have more bad experiences than good our judgement
>is impaired that everyone is bad and vice versa

If a person has more bad experiences than good I would say that their judgement is definitely impaired. But we are talking about experience not judgement. I am encouraging people to use experience in order to make BETTER judgements. You seem to be encouraging people to ignore experience and refrain from judgements because they may be wrong anyway. That brings me back to what I said before-- You are implying that finding the right person is based entirely on luck.




Edited 11/3/2005 10:18 am ET by hal_9000
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
In reply to: rosema1
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 11:12am

"Of course you do grow from experience. But don't let your bad experiences impair your judgements on everyone you meet"

yes i say this above, you are correct HAL- don't let your bad experience impair your judgement, meaning use the experience and use correct judgement.. ??

i am not implying to ignore the experience or judgment but to let the experience guide you and not impair your judgement

if you have had too many bad experiences your judgement is impaired and then every date/everything they do is negative based on "your attitude" not the actual person /or date.. because you already walked in w/ this attitude based on experience

so yes if you have 50/50 bad vs. good, I say try and be positive and remember the good experiences and be open to dating and go w/ the flow. if you see some red flags /or have some uncertainties that remind you of a bad experience before making a quick judgement , relax, and walk through and ask yourself is this due to my experience or my insecurities/ of a bad experience?? and give it time to make a decision rather than making a quick judgement.

also too many people are not themselves in the initial stages of dating becasue they are on guard due to a recent bad experience.. so i am suggesting for those to not use that bad experience as judgement for the new date, be open and watch for things .. give the person a chance and use - no reason to doubt them/ until he /she gives me reason too.

no not by luck, by walking through things taking a bit of a risk, and go w/ the flow until you feel that you can walk away or move forward knowing everything you know at the time.

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