sad but true..

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2003
sad but true..
5
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 9:59am
...this is really just 'thinking out loud' kind of post... wouldn't you say that a 'connection', 'spark', 'chemistry', whatever you want to call it, between a man and a woman is one of the biggest mysteries of life? Why or why does it 'happen' with some blokes, and doesn't with others, no less attracive? What is it? Why is it that you 'connect' with certain mannerisms and not with others? ..the reason for yet again pondering this is that I recently met up for the first time with someone who I have been e-mailing for a couple of month.. and whose on-line image I really liked - his style of writing, photographs etc... From the very first minute of our face to face meeting I knew with 1000% certainty that there was absolutely nothing there... he was tall, attractive, of a physical type that I go for, dressed in a way that I like, with the hair style/lengh that I like, intelligent, interesting to talk to, easygoing etc.etc and yet..one big 'zero'. Nothing..dead, empty..not a trace of 'that feeling'.. The more time we spent together the more I was sure that he simply did not do anything for me at all.. Nothing wrong with him, but nothing right either... No matter how many times I tried to make myself like him and pointed out all his good points, this little voice inside my head kept saying - just admit it to yourself, there's nothing, nothing there..


Any thoughs or experiences anyone would like to share? Also, for those who have been e-mailing for months, have developed a strong on-line connection even to the point of calling themselves girlfriends and boyfriends, and have not yet met face to face, do you not think - what if there's no chemistry?? That would surely mean a waste of sooo much time? I've only been writing to this bloke for 2 months, and I already feel that I've wasted my time...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 10:11am
Personally, I can undestand your pondering idea this morning. I myself, have often wondered the very same thing. Why or why not? Well, for me the chemistry must be there as for most. I honestly know of many times I have met someone after corresponding on line and things were not what they seemed. This did not discourage me from developing feelings for anyone else on line. As in my situation with Mark, and him being in Scotland. We talked for 5 months and then in the end I wondered how this would all work out, never meeting him and I already had feelings. WEll, the bottom line in that case was, there was not enough feelings on my side, for me to go through with it. I ended it. It was too much for me and the pressures of not knowing this man and then him wanting to be with me as soon as he arrived in the states was just way too much.

SO, going back to the idea...there are cases where people talk on line for months and meet, and all they have felt was confirmed. It happens, just as people meet on the street and fall madly in love. It happens everyday. It has not happen to me yet, obviously and maybe not you or a few others, but it is not to say it wont.

To each their own. Some fall in love and however they do whether on line, in person, or through mail....it is the luck of the draw. IF it meant to be it will be. Our minds and hearts allow us to be open or not to love, and however you find it, depends on how open to the idea of it you are. This is just my opinion.

Personally, I thought I could go through with the whole Mark thing, but when it came down to it, my heart was not in it like I thought originally, and my kids were top priority in my decision. Now, one can say I was not as open to it as some. I was open, I was just too scared to take that risk. Im not ready for it, and some are. I commend all those going through the on line dating with someone across the ocean or country. It is hard and if you have the energy and time to invest in it and know where your heart is, then go for it. It can happen. YOu can fall in love on line and then meet and have it all confirmed. It just isnt that way for everyone. Some of us need more in person time to confirm this idea. Chemistry is something that is either there or it is not. You cannot force it and it seems to me, that in the beginning you can confuse chemistry and love with lust. I have many times, and now I would like to think I am smarter. I know how to determine what is what.

Goodluck to us all in our quest for love. I personally, do not think it will happen in the story books for me, since I have been so jaded lately with all this. I want it, but it scares the hell out of me. lol


Gail;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 10:56am
Good questions!

I emailed my guy for 4 months before we met - it was physically impossible to meet before then. We talked about your first question at length before we met, what if there was no chemistry? We decided that at the very least we had made a really great friend. We didn't go into this planning on a relationship - we started as penpals, moved into best friends, and then decided that there might be something more. So, even if the chemistry wasn't there, we could still be great friends.

As far as wasting time, I suppose that depends on what you would have been doing otherwise. For me, I was finishing up at a lab in one country, moving to another country, then just a month here before we met in person. So, there is no way I would/could have been dating other guys. If I had put my life on hold here for him, turning down other guys for him, then it would have been a different story. But that isn't how it happened with us.

Chemistry seems to be indefinable and I agree with Gail, you cannot force it. Fortunately with us it was just there. Whether it would have been there if we had met sooner, I honestly can't say because we worked out so many issues in email that we might not have been able to in person. But I guess we will ever know.

I do know that I rarely feel anything is a waste of time. If you can learn something about yourself, or how better to deal with a given situation, then you haven't wasted anything.

-Debbie

Avatar for born2luv
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 11:09am
I am finding the opposite. I tend to over-analyse everything, and when Rob is a distance from me, I sometimes look at him and wonder just what it is about him? He just looks like anyone else on the street, nothing special, nothing showy. I'm not sure I would have even stopped to talk to him, if I had just met him on the street somewhere.

But when he is close, when I am in his arms, I feel so wonderful - there is so much chemistry between us, so much heat, so much comfort. I just don't understand it - because I have guarded my heart so very carefully and am not the type to fall for a guy. I've been pretty hard-hearted, and single-minded for so many years - I feel like I've been struck from out-field!

Anyhow, I try not to analyse it too much, and just enjoy the moment. But I know what you are saying, because I keep wondering myself...

The best I can come up with is that I believe we have all come here to learn lessons, and while the Universe sets up the lesson, you choose the person you accept to work through it. He (or she) has to mesh with you. Sometimes I think that is all the "chemistry" is.

~*~ Catherine

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-19-2003 - 7:57am
Your post is one of many reasons I do not exchange more than a few emails - and one or two phone calls - prior to meeting. In your case it might also have been a self fulfilling prophecy - you judged him in one second and were not open to changing your impression - might have been. I do not think chemistry is too related to looks, which is why a picture, or even a webcam, won't tell you whether it is there - you need to be in the person's presence, make eye contact (not sexy eye contact, just eye contact) - feel their "aura" their energy, vibes, etc - none of that can happen on a computer and all of that is essential for me. I had no chemistry with my (now ex) boyfriend while we were just friends - for almost 2 years - as far as I could tell - and then all of a sudden - boom - like a lightning bolt - amazing chemistry. No, he was not at all usual type and if I had "met" him on line I likely never would have met him in person or if I did it would have been one date - the chemistry came all of a sudden but I think it had been building slowly and I had to be in teh right place, the right mindset, the right time for it to happen.

Just as background, I have met about 35 men in person from the internet since March 2001 or so and yes there were quite a few who were perfectly attractive physically and there was nothing there - I never really questioned why, because it really doesn't matter to me, why. Had I emailed or months I would have felt disappointed, disilusioned, frustrated, etc - which is why I do not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-19-2003 - 3:39pm
I think that chemistry is extremely important to a relationship, and it's either there or not there, and you won't know unless you see the person in real life.

I believe that internet dating is wonderful, but you must very clearly define, for yourself, what your expectations are. Are you looking for a pen pal? Just friends? A relationship? A long-distance relationship?

For me, I was looking for a relationship, and not long-distance. I was dating casually, but hadn't met anyone special. I tried online dating because a friend had success. I was very specific in my criteria- the guy had to be a certain age, live less than 20 miles from me, etc. I also idn't want to waste my time with penpals, because that wasn't what I wanted. I met my future fiance in person within two weeks of our first email.

I think, if you are looking for a relationship, and chemistry is important to you, only date locally, and don't waste time e-mailing, IM'ing, etc. Meet for coffee in a public location, and judge if you even want to go on a longer date.


HS