Saturday Date - New With a Twist!!!
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| Tue, 09-20-2005 - 2:21pm |
Ok... so here I was yesterday, bragging about my date on Saturday night with "Peter" from Match.com. Well yesterday we didn't talk much - mind you he is about 1 1/2 hours away, and that he would call later - indicated that he was swamped with work. He owns his own computer software company. He didn't call last night. So this morning, he calls me at work and leaves a message on my voice mail, that he is having alot of trouble with his #1 client and may need to fly to Oaklahoma for a few days to take care of things. I decided to call him back just to give him some support and if he wanted to vent. He said his head is going in several different directions, that he is having problem with his business partner as well and probably won't be able to call me for a few days. Now, how should I take this? Should I believe him considering I don't really know him? Or should I go on with maybe "he just that isn't in to me"?
HELPPPPP!!!!!

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Ugh. See, hate to sound cynical cuz I’m not but I’m realistic in our expectations in the beginning stages of dating because that is what your doing and he’s doing is DATING. Having a FANTASTIC DATE ONE, TWO or THREE does not mean you’re in some instant relationship, please make no mistake. It’s this euphoric stage – you can’t see thru the clouds so take your time, seriously. It’s blinding—enjoy it but keep it in the back of your mind this may not be a long term thing ok?
That is why if you pace yourself you can have a clearer idea of whom you’re dealing with. I’ve been in your shoes so this is my experience talking. Grant it there are exceptions to every rule but I’ve never been the exception, always the rule, smiles.
No matter what you wait for the guy to call you and ask you out again. A good rule of thumb on first dates keep it short, not these 4-7 hours, a bit overkill, save some stuff for next time. I wouldn’t even kiss them right away, why give a kiss away if they will never call you again? Just food for thought.
Again, never call them, if he’s into you he will set up a date to see you again BOTTOM LINE.
I’d say after a month of dating if the guy is still consistent (key word) with you then you can let down your guard a little more, it’s easy to get caught up in a date and only later to change your mind, I’ve done it, had it done too – that’s dating.
Do not build these guys up, seriously. Anyone can have a fantastic few dates – the key is are they the same a month or longer down the road. People put their best foots forward in the beginning, that’s just human nature. You don’t know this guy just what he wanted you to see of him one night over drinks or whatever you two did. WORDS are WORDS, repeat ACTIONS are what we are looking for and his ACTIONS indicate he’s not into you the way you are. Guys are smooth they will say what they think you want to hear, bottom line.
Even if you meet some great guy with a great connection, seeing them more than once or twice in my opinion is overkill the first week, you kid yourself you’re in some instant relationship. I said this before, a friend introduces you to a new girlfriend, do you hang out with her every day or several times a week, NO, you might invite her for coffee or dinner with friends once during the week to get to know her gradually to become friends. Your next romantic encounter should be the same way, friends first right, see if they are who they claim.
Men as a rule will dive in, it’s our jobs to put on the breaks and see for ourselves via actions. Then a month later when they aren’t as attentive we freak out, what happened, he was so into me? No, the clouds have lifted and he’s like holly molly, is this really what I want? So if you pace it, this won’t happen, it will be more gradual and a better approach and not built up expectations.
With that said, he still may call but let HIM call and ask you out and keep your expectations low, men smell desperation or a woman who is overly clingy.
Keep um stacked up at the cupcake chick would say.
SP
Edited 9/20/2005 2:39 pm ET ET by small_peanut2005
Yesterday, when I read your post, I was actually writing a reply, something to the tone of “glad you had a great date, stay grounded and if I could give you a tidbit of advice, next time break the date a bit early and ease up on the kissing” and decided not to send it. I didn’t want to seem as if I was raining on your parade, but I’ve done this so long that I guess I’m a bit more realistic. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the moments (great dates w/chemistry), but in the beginning that’s all it is. Also, I’ve learned that it’s nice to keep some room there (meaning not dating back to back or giving all of your time so early on) cause more than enough times you truly don’t know where these guys are coming from and you have opened yourself up so much!! It's discouraging enough when men "ghost" but it can be devastating when you give so much initially and then they ghost!! Also moving too fast, things can fizzle or people get bored.
I would take this guy at his word and let him call you in a few weeks! DO NOT CALL HIM!! He may or may not call, but you should continue having more dates.
Whew, great message Ms. Peanut! I thought I was the only one (posted on another post about this) and was waiting for the backlash! My sentiments exactly!
I didn't want to rain on your parade either, but i am also talking from experience. I have been w/ a man/men who i felt wow this is it after a long wonderful date.. But what happens is we tend to romanticize /fantasize about who this guy is, when we really only know him for the 7 hours we spent w/ him. WE reveal ourselves practically to a stranger and then come later find out there are things we learn about them and wonder hmmm...
It takes time to know people and people need to earn our trust.. Just becasue someone says something doesn't mean it's truth not all people are as honest as some of us.
also , I say give him the benefit of the doubt you have no reason not to believe him but NEVER call a man, in the beginning stages, they like to hunt/gather/ pursue, and you will never really know his true interest if you are the one calling him all the time .
Also they should be calling or already securing a date w/you ahead of time. The men that like you will do this.. they won't call last minute or put you off.
Stack em and date others in the meantime, if he calls great if he doesn't well you had a great date/dinner and cross it off your list ..
Also long dates are too much too fast also.. slowly reveal yourself, Trust is Earned and that takes a while.
And words mean nothing, it is their actions and consistent actions overtime. Also some people can put on a good fisad from the first date
i am not being pessimistic or cynical just wiser after the last few situations i was in. I still believe in romance and all that just I realize healthy r'ships build overtime not in a day. think about that. and key is to learn from every experience..
You've had one date with the guy, is that right? I think he's doing well to call you and let you know he'll be out of town!
I would take it that things are crazy in his life right now, and if he's interested, he'll call you to go out again when things settle down. I think it's a positive sign that he let you know in advance that this was the case. But, I still would not be counting on him calling again at this early stage.
Sheri
Thank you so much for your advice and wisdom - you have no idea how beneficial it is getting this from all of you! I will take your advice, no, I will not call, and haven't called him - he has always been the one to call me. I will give him a week or so, but then if I hear nothing, will move on.
Thanks
Thanks Sheri,
I really think that he is on the up and up. He doesn't owe me an explanation for anything, he could just have not called at all right? I will give this time, will not call and see what happens - will just keep my eyes open for another possibility.
Is that wrong?
Nope, that sounds like a plan to me.
The only change I would make would be to actively seek out other men to date, not passively "keep your eyes open".
Sheri
I agree with everyone else.
Thanks for the message and I do agree with you. I guess it is just difficult because we had such a great time on our date. I guess red flags just went up because of the fact I have been cheated on before and my trust capacity isn't where it should be. Yes, I agree that him calling and letting me know that things are hectic are ok, however, I just wish I knew for sure. No - I will not call or e-mail.
Patience isn't one of my biggest virtues!!!
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