second chance
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| Sat, 06-11-2005 - 8:18am |
Sunshine's post about a date with a past OLD guy prompted me to share this. I had a first meet with a guy about a month ago. It went fine; I wasn't gaga but I would've gone out with him again. He didn't contact me after the date and I didn't contact him ("mutual ghosting" I believe it's called). Yesterday I started thinking about him and decided to send a casual email, asking if he'd like to go out again. If he didn't respond, I'd move on. He emailed me back right away saying he had a good time too but he's become so disillusioned with OLD that he can no longer tell if a woman really wants to go out again or is just being polite (LG has mentioned this as well). I've become the same way and I realize there's a fatal flaw in that approach if you're both waiting for the other to show interest before doing anything.
He said he definitely wants to go out again and that he still has my number and will call me. Of course, he may still ghost like so many others, but I am glad I sent the email.
(True Confession Time: The main reason I was thinking about him is my match activity has slowed to a trickle. I tweaked my profile a couple weeks ago and got a lot of responses but those soon dried up. If it weren't for the usual assortment of youngsters, weirdos and the geezer brigade, I'd be getting no responses at all.)
Carol

I don't think there is anything wrong with this at all. As Sheri often has said - OLD is all about DATING. Which means evaluating each other to see if you may be right for a LTR.
I think the entire process becomes MUCH MUCH easier if we embrace that concept and not viewing these meets as relationships....don't give them any more signficance than what they really are --- casual dates (emphasis on casual).
From my view, you really cannot tell anything before at least a month. And I think it's good practice to have 4 people that you're trying to see at the same time as well as have a couple that you may keep in friendly email contact with.
It's the only way to fill up your dating calendar due to the rapid disappearance of many of those who aren't matches.
During the dating process I would never ignore the red flags which are typically changes in behavior indicating less interest. When that happens you just get out the "NEXT" button and move to the next one in rotation....
I tell you this is how OLD functions best..imho
I will be interested to hear the outcome of this. Anytime I've not followed my rule of thumb (that a guy who is REALLY interested, emotionally healthy and available for a relationship WILL call you), it hasn't worked out (even though the guy has almost always jumped at the chance to go out again--I guess they are just being polite? Who knows!).
If his email is true and not an excuse, my firm belief is that it's part of emotional health for a man to have enough confidence to ask out a woman he's interested in--he shouldn't expect the woman to do all the work. The fact that he didn't do so would make me wonder about that. Either that or HJNTIY applies here (with emphasis on the *that*), but I will happily stand corrected if I'm wrong.
There must be something in the air that is causing ghosts to re-appear...I just heard from the guy who ghosted on me after cancelling out 2nd date because he had to give out Halloween candy (which I still think is one of the all-time lamest excuses!). I haven't decided if I'm going to go out with him again--he hasn't really apologized for disappearing, just said that there was illness in his family and he's been keeping to himself. I wrote back, oh, I thought you'd just met someone else. He didn't really respond to that, just said he was 'free', and asked if I was available to go out again. What do you all think, should I call him on the lame excuse before I agree to a long-delayed 2nd date?
Sheri
i am sorry but TIMING is everything in OLD land... i had a guy I went out w/ last December, we met had a great time togethr, but i was already falling for someone else i was dating, so he was kind of put on the back burner.. I liked him thought he was a great catch, seemed to be very together, and emotionally mature.. Well I ended up canceling our last date together because the first guy called me and I wanted to see him first.. Well.. after we decided to call it quits, I thought of this guy and thought man I should have given him more of a chance but I just could not bcause my mind was on the other guy.
Well we did end up going out again and he did realize i was blowing him off.. he knew it but he too was dating others as would be expected w/ OLD.. but anyways it never worked out because i just did feel there ws a lot of chemistry between us which disappointed me because he had his stuff together.. and was a great catch.
but if it weren't for the TIMING initially then I probably would have not blown him off to begin w/ and thought about him again later on..
It is inevitable this happening.. so if someone ghosts and reappears i usually don't think too much of it just that they were dating someone else at that time that already caught their eye/or their heart
I agree with you but saying you gotta hand out Halloween candy instead of admitting you're seeing others? Come on! That's retarded. Let's see should I hand out Halloween candy or go out with someone I find interesting? Who says that to themselves? Besides that - you have your answer if someone *says* they'd rather hand out Halloween candy than have a date with you. I know that sounds mean but it's just the facts. We deserve better than that. I just hate it when our intelligence is insulted.
That guy gets no more shots.