Second date jitters

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Second date jitters
17
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 7:13am
Tonight I'm going on a second date with a guy that I went on a first date with two weeks ago. We've emailed and talked on the phone quite a bit but this second date is making me nervous. Is he going to try to kiss me, is he not going to try to kiss me, will he ask me out again, will he dump me, will we get along as well as we have been on the phone.......so many neurotic worries, so little time!!!! (he's the one that wanted me to help him with his profile on match, he hasn't talked about that anymore and actually hasn't been active for over a week - whatever that means!)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 11:47am

Hope the date went well. I still think it’s tacky and a tell tale sign if he asked you to help him tweak his profile, sounds like a player type.....

Let us know!

SP

Avatar Image"The Small Peanu
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 12:47pm

That he hasn't been active means nothing. Please quit thinking about it- he might have another username he uses, he might just use Match without logging in.

The other stuff... yikes. That's a lot to be worrying about. Can you really be "dumped" when you don't have much of a relationship yet? And what if you decide to try and kiss HIM? I had a date recently where I was positive that the girl was about to try and lay one on me (at the end) and I definitely didn't want to be going there.

I hope the date goes well. You're smart, you've got your stuff together. Your worries are the same ones that every human has had at some point, all the way back to caveman days when Thag went to get Theena and wore his very best deerskin outfit and they couldn't do much more than grunt at each other! LOL

Just have fun, be yourself, and try to not be hyper-examining the guy for flaws. I think that second and third date (if there is a third one) is where we really start to notice if someone has some type of major personality defects. You'll know, either way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 1:00am
can you say "EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE"!!!?!! okay, the date was going well at first. Met at his hotel for dinner (he's lives 2 hrs away and comes near my town on business). Great dinner and conversation. BUT, he's still in love with his ex-girlfriend. He didn't come right out and say it but he would bring her up while we were talking. He said they still talk and see each other about twice a month. (they dated for 6 yrs and have been broken up for 1 1/2 yrs). I can't believe I said this but I said "I want someone that wants to be with ME for ME not just to get back at their ex". I actually asked him if he thought he was on match to get back at her. He didn't know. I told him he has alot to figure out in his head. He said he doesn't want to mislead me or hurt me. He said that I've made him think about alot. blah blah blah. NEXT!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 1:22am

Sorry this happened but next time pay attention to the red flags. Any man who asks you to help him improove his profile (to get more dates) isn't looking at YOU as a potential relationship, that should have been your exit. You wasted an evening and I'm sorry but next time really find out what they are looking for, have they been out of a relationship for a while etc.

Better luck next time!!!

The Peanut

Avatar Image"The Small Peanu
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 2:03am

Ouch. At first, when you said he was still friends with his ex, I was thinking "okay, that's not that big a deal." Lots of people are friends with their ex-whatevers. (Not everyone, but lots are.)

But he should know, immediately, why he's on Match and whether it's a "get back at her" kind of thing. Big red flag there for sure. Bummer.

Hey, look at it this way- if you hadn't gone out with him at all, you'd still be exactly where you are now- looking for NEXT. :) Plus, you had a date. That's better than many of us on here are doing!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 5:46am

Good for you. Sounds like you handled it the right way. IMHO it was on the second meet for you and diagnosing this problem beforehand would have been almost impossible. You went into it knowing there was a red flag and you explored and found the problem.

Move over Dr. Phil....I would consider that a job well done.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 9:52am
I'm sorry it worked out this way. But I think you handled yourself very well. Yes, there were red flags from the beginning - but I don't think that any great harm came from giving him another chance while keeping what you know in the back of your head. Good for you for keeping your wits about you and recognizing that you need to move on - even if it stings.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 10:00am
I actually feel like I instigated(sp?) the issue. I probably should have just tried to enjoy the evening with him but he mentioned - somewhere in conversation - that he had been on match last year with his hometown listed, but now lists the town where his beach house is (near me). He said he got "busted" by his ex last year when one of her friends saw him on there. So, leave it to me to start asking alot of questions. He just seemed like he was somewhere else last night mentally. I don't want to be #2 to someone. He did call last night to see if I got home okay and he called first thing this morning just to say hi. He's nice enough but I think if I continue to talk with him it would be as a 'therapist' for his issues!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 10:05am

Hi Donna,

I was in this same situation..IF they speak about another woman, and no in passing, or they are the mother of their kids and you are talking in that vein, then....Ding! Next!

It has dawned on me that we are all "mechanics" trying to "Get Our Motors Runnin'!"...you have to go in, find the problem, diagnose and fix it, or get a new Ride! You, my dear, are the BMW mechanic of all mechanics, handled it perfectly!

Ohhhh...and "Busted" last year..."sneak-age"--IF he did that to her, he WILLdo that to you!

awwwww....Nope!

Bigger and Better waits for You!

Truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 10:19am

I just rembered that I've also had a first meet with someone who wasn't over

 

 

 

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