second date went too far... help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
second date went too far... help!
34
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 6:29am

Hey there,

I just had my second date with this guy last night. We met on Match, an had our first date 10 days ago. We had a lot of fun, but due to my busy schedule last week, we couldn't meet up, only talked on the phone a few times. We finally went out again last night. Everything went well, and then it came the good-bye kiss. It started out as a sweet, tender kiss, and it grew passionate, and the next thing I knew, we were making out in the car! We didn't have sex, but was almost half-way there. He wanted to come back to my place with me, but I politely declined and said that I'd like to take it slow. He said that he understands and that we can take it at whatever speed I'd like. I think he was disappointed though. So we said good-bye, and also planned to see each other on Friday. Now I am freaked out. It wasn't technically sex-on-the-second-date, but we definitely went way further than what I'd expected for a second date. I wasn't ready yet... it didn't even feel right at the moment. This is not what I wanted. I wanted romance, and I always waited until I have strong feelings for someone before sleeping with them. I am not sure how to proceed from here... I was so looking forward to seeing him, but now I don't know how to feel anymore! Is it going to be weird if the next time we see each other, I ask him to forget about what happened last time and just take it slow? Should I take it as a warning that he would attempt sex so early in the dating process? How can I know that he is not just in for sex, from now on? I hope I didn't jeopardize the chance for a good relationship for giving in so early. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks!!

J.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 6:34am
P.S. I know that he didn't plan this. We were going to say good-bye by my car, but I offered to give him a ride to his car, which was parked in the next row... (it was drizzling!) Ok I admit I didn't want the kiss to end. I guess he probably took that as a sign of invitation. How would he think of me now? I feel awful. :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 8:46am

You didn't have sex with him. You didn't do anything that he didn't do. If you are meant to have a relationship with this person, then some passionate interaction that happened earlier than expected will not change the course of the relationship or your life - relax.

You can choose to freak out over something you cannot change or you can shrug your shoulders and be excited by the fact that you have met somebody where there is, at the very least, good chemistry.

What does he think of you? What does he think of himself, since he did the same thing you did? Come-on! Don't give this man the power over you by worrying about what HE thinks of you - worry about what YOU think of HIM.

Coolas

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 8:59am

I agree with coolas.

CL-Truewild1969

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 8:07am

Hi,

Thanks for your replies. I'll try to relax a bit. He hasn't called me since Wednesday night though. Not sure if I have the right expectations here. I guess I'll just have to wait and see how things go when/if I see him on Friday... when he wanted to come home with me last time and I said no (told him that I had to work on something, which was true), he said "ok, maybe next time then" I said that I don't think that's a good idea, and mentioned that I'd like to take it slow. I hope he didn't feel rejected. :-) Oh well, I suppose if I don't hear from him, I shouldn't feel too upset.

Jess

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 10:15am

Don't worry about him feeling rejected - do what is right for you. If he is sincerely interested in you, he will be happy to wait until you are ready. If he's looking to get laid he might not hang around, but if that's the case, who cares?

Coolas

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 10:26am

Hi Jess,

I agree with everyone else. The second date went as well as one could hope. You did good. If he really likes you he will respect what you have said and he won't feel rejected. There is only one (minor) red flag -- He asked if he could go home with you. I think it's better if they wait to be invited. (IMO) If you really want to take it slow, don't invite him back to your house until at least the 5th date. If he keeps asking then I would assume he is only after sex. I actually think you shouldn't invite him over until you are comfortable with him and ready for sex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 9:26am
He hasn't called as of now, since Tuesday night (error in previous post)... I called last night, nobody answered so I sent a text message instead (was going to leave a voice mail but his mailbox was full). This is driving me nuts! Although he has the tendency to call on the same day of the planned date (we usually set up the next date by the end of a date) to discuss the meeting time/place (usually he'd call at around 8pm when he gets home, and then we would meet at 9:30), I have the feeling that I am being blown off this time for some reason... Is it normal for guys to setup the meeting, giving me only 2-hour notice? I find that extremely inconsiderate and inconvenient, not knowing exactly when to go out/get ready. I understand that because of his job, he might not always know how late he has to stay at work, but I'd appreciate some phone calls in between too. Anyway... I am just frustrated. thanks for listening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 9:35am
I have a 48 hour rule because I am a single mother and it's the decent, considerate thing to do. I wouldn't date anyone who gave such short notice, even if I had nothing going on I would still say no and tell them exactly why. It's a respect issue and I don't compromise on that. Don't fall for the: "I'm too busy to call" nonsense, It only takes a minute to call someone, and when a man wants to be with a women, he'll walk through fire if he has to to make it happen.
The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2005
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 11:08am

the SAME EXACT THING happened with me on Tuesday....is there a full moon?? Anyway, I also told him I wanted to take things slow, which he respected, but it didn't prevent me from beating myself up a little the next day. I finally stopped kicking myself, after all, I'm an adult, and nothing happened that I didn't want (at the time) to happen. I'm going to stick to taking it slow, & being careful, which it sounds like you're doing too. DON'T WORRY SO MUCH!! I agree with everyone else that if it doesn't work out, it won't be because of your second date.

And as for him feeling rejected...oh well!! It's not your place to do something you're uncomfortable with, or to appologize, just to preserve his feelings. This is a two way street. It sounds like he's interested in seeing you again....Good luck!!

MK

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2005
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 11:11am

I have a 48 hr rule as well, I just think it's common courtesy. I feel that anyone who expects to make plans within 24 or less hrs assumes that you have nothing else going on & can jump a a moment's notice. It's a little presumptive and rude. And I agree, it only takes a minute to call...if someone is too busy to call, then they're too busy to make plans with me.

Still, good luck!!

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