second date went too far... help!
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| Wed, 11-02-2005 - 6:29am |
Hey there,
I just had my second date with this guy last night. We met on Match, an had our first date 10 days ago. We had a lot of fun, but due to my busy schedule last week, we couldn't meet up, only talked on the phone a few times. We finally went out again last night. Everything went well, and then it came the good-bye kiss. It started out as a sweet, tender kiss, and it grew passionate, and the next thing I knew, we were making out in the car! We didn't have sex, but was almost half-way there. He wanted to come back to my place with me, but I politely declined and said that I'd like to take it slow. He said that he understands and that we can take it at whatever speed I'd like. I think he was disappointed though. So we said good-bye, and also planned to see each other on Friday. Now I am freaked out. It wasn't technically sex-on-the-second-date, but we definitely went way further than what I'd expected for a second date. I wasn't ready yet... it didn't even feel right at the moment. This is not what I wanted. I wanted romance, and I always waited until I have strong feelings for someone before sleeping with them. I am not sure how to proceed from here... I was so looking forward to seeing him, but now I don't know how to feel anymore! Is it going to be weird if the next time we see each other, I ask him to forget about what happened last time and just take it slow? Should I take it as a warning that he would attempt sex so early in the dating process? How can I know that he is not just in for sex, from now on? I hope I didn't jeopardize the chance for a good relationship for giving in so early. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks!!
J.

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Hey MK,
That's so odd! LOL. Let's exchange notes on what happens next. ;)
Jess
That seems normal to me...to make a date in advance, then firm up the exact plans the day of the date. How late in the evening are we talking? 5 PM? Any later than that would be annoying, I think.
Sheri
First date: we made tentative plan to meet at around 8pm. He called at 7 something to say that he has to stay at work until 8 or so, and will give me a call at that time. He called at 8, and we met at 9:30pm
Supposedly the second date that never happened: I had to pick up my parents at the airport at 11pm so we planned to see each other before that. He lives very close to the airport, but it takes me an hour to drive over there. So I expected that the latest meeting time for us would be 9pm, which means that he'd have to call me by 8pm. Well, he didn't call until after 8:30pm and was asking if I was in the area yet!? I wasn't very happy so I told him that it'd be too late to see him by the time I drive over there. So we rescheduled.
The actual 2nd date, which was this Tuesday: Because of the previous experiences, I didn't have high expectation, and wasn't so eager waiting for his call like the previous times. He called at around 8pm, saying that he just got off work and asked if I'd still want to meet up. We met at 9:30pm.
So there is a pattern here... I don't know if it was just mis-communication... or what? Some friends told me that he might not have any idea that I expected him to call earlier (which is good... I wouldn't want him to know my anxiety. I acted pretty cool when he did call). Any insight? Thanks.
Jess
This is how I would approach it: the next time you make a date, say something like "Getting together Friday night sounds great. Would you mind giving me a call before 6 PM on Friday to firm things up?"
Sheri
Edited 11/5/2005 1:58 am ET by jjjj2004
You're going to have to play this one by ear and try to not get too attached to the situation. As for the question of whether or not he wants sex... 99% of the men I know are thinking about sex all the time, so I would be shocked if he didn't want it. Yes, it was forward of him to ask if he could come up, but the fact is that things were getting heated so why not? For the circumstances, I see nothing wrong with that.
My advice is to take the next date very slow. Do not allow yourself to get in a private area such as a car with him. Make sure it's all out in the open and in public. Give him a chance to get to know and like you, without the sexual tension.
Keep us posted on how the next date goes...
While I was waiting for him to call last night, devastated, I did something uncool and stupid, and now I just wish that I could've been more patient. I sent him an email - it wasn't an angry email or anything... I maintained my temper and was polite. I just asked him what was going on, I thought we had a good connection, etc. I also told him that I hope he didn't feel rejected because 1. I did have to work, 2. I didn't want to rush into things, and 3. I didn't want him to feel that I was "easy" since it had never happened to me before. The worst part is that I told him at the end "as strange as it might sound, I do still want to see you again"!!
When I go back to read the email again, I was like, oh my goodness. I don't know what have gotten into me... I was desperate and devastated, I guess. I need some damage control now... what kind of effects could the email have on him, and is it possible to undo the effects? When he called, he hadn't read the email yet... he told me that he really likes me and is physically attracted to me. He did apologize for being so forward last time, and said that he usually doesn't do that, but is glad that at least the "feelings" are known now. We talked about futures, what we want to do, where we want to be, etc. I don't know how he'd react or feel when he read my email though... :(
Jess
Sorry, didn't mean to imply a rigid rule...definitely if earlier plans were made I feel that it's different.
And yes, let's keep each other posted on the saga!
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