second date went too far... help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
second date went too far... help!
34
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 6:29am

Hey there,

I just had my second date with this guy last night. We met on Match, an had our first date 10 days ago. We had a lot of fun, but due to my busy schedule last week, we couldn't meet up, only talked on the phone a few times. We finally went out again last night. Everything went well, and then it came the good-bye kiss. It started out as a sweet, tender kiss, and it grew passionate, and the next thing I knew, we were making out in the car! We didn't have sex, but was almost half-way there. He wanted to come back to my place with me, but I politely declined and said that I'd like to take it slow. He said that he understands and that we can take it at whatever speed I'd like. I think he was disappointed though. So we said good-bye, and also planned to see each other on Friday. Now I am freaked out. It wasn't technically sex-on-the-second-date, but we definitely went way further than what I'd expected for a second date. I wasn't ready yet... it didn't even feel right at the moment. This is not what I wanted. I wanted romance, and I always waited until I have strong feelings for someone before sleeping with them. I am not sure how to proceed from here... I was so looking forward to seeing him, but now I don't know how to feel anymore! Is it going to be weird if the next time we see each other, I ask him to forget about what happened last time and just take it slow? Should I take it as a warning that he would attempt sex so early in the dating process? How can I know that he is not just in for sex, from now on? I hope I didn't jeopardize the chance for a good relationship for giving in so early. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks!!

J.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 11-05-2005 - 9:42am

The thing about those kind of emails is it's like a journal, all your random thoughts, like a conversation wth yourself that he doesn't get to contribute to.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-05-2005 - 11:40am

Just want to clarify the facts here: you were supposed to go out last night, and he didn't call you until 12:38 AM *this* morning???

Did he let you know BEFORE last night that he was on call and that therefore the date was tentative?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Sat, 11-05-2005 - 7:10pm
Yes, basically he stood me up. No, he didn't mention that he would be on-call, but it seems that it was a last-minute thing. When he finally called me, he said something about having to fill in for someone. Still, he knew that way earlier yesterday and could've called me... I don't know if I should believe him or not. And that email... after being stood up... argh. How pathetic was I?


Edited 11/5/2005 8:17 pm ET by jjjj2004
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sat, 11-05-2005 - 7:21pm
I say stay away from this guy. He wants you at his beck and call. He definitely had to know earlier that he was going to have to work and all he had to do was make a 2 minute phone call to let you know. It's completely inappropriate not to mention rude to call someone you've gone out with twice at 12:38 am. I'm thinking he was looking for a booty call. Did he still want to get together with you when he called after midnight? I'm sorry, but anyone that doesn't respect those kind of time boundaries until they know me well is outta here fast.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Sat, 11-05-2005 - 9:03pm

Hi,

I agree with you. As Greg Behrendt would probably say to me: "he is just not that into you." I believe that if he really wanted to, he would've found a way to call me, and it was just a common courtesy to do so to call and cancel the date. Except - I might be just fooling myself - maybe we interpreted it differently, that he thought we had a tentative plan to meet up, while I thought that it was a firm date. Still, though, it would've been a polite thing to do to call. Re-running the conversation from Tuesday in my head: "are you free Friday night?" "yes, I believe so" "Ok, maybe we can go out for dinner" "Sure" Then he suggested some places to go. Now was I wrong to assume that it was a date? Now to think of it, for both the first and the second dates, when he called to firm up the plan, he always started by "I was wondering if you'd like to meet up later" even when we had agreed previously to go out on that day. Am I missing something here or being too presumptuous?

When he called me, he sounded very tired and said that he'd come over but it was kind of late and he was ready to crash into his bed. I thought that it was kind of odd that he'd mention "coming over" since I never invited him, he doesn't even know where I live, and we live one hour away from each other. We ended up talking for about an hour and set up another "date" for Tuesday. Now I really don't know what to expect.

All that said, I want to give him a chance to explain about Friday and tell him my concern. Is it too early in the stage to be complaining about him not calling?

Jess

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 7:09am

You need to cool it with the emails, phone calls and texts. Nothing turns men off more than "overcommunicating"

One phone call or email, if they don't respond to that you can call one other time. But I wouldn't continue to hammer away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 7:10am
If he basically stood you up. Doctor or Not, you should click NEXT!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 6:03pm

No, I don't think you were wrong in your interpretation of his words. He asked you if you had plans and suggested doing something. The polite thing to do would have been to follow up regardless and let you know the plans.

Yes, his saying he could come over was very presumptuous and furthers my belief that he was looking for a booty call. Personally, I wouldn't hold out a lot of hope that he will follow through on this Tuesday date or that it will turn out to be more than him looking for a hookup.

No, it is not too much to expect common courtesy from someone that said they would call. If I were you, I'd move on. I think he's only after one thing. Once he gets it or once he gets tired of chasing and not getting it, I think he'll move on.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 9:57am

So what should I do now...? I definitely want to hear what he has to say before deciding to move on. Any tips on how to have this conversation without sounding confrontational or interrogating? He sent me an email yesterday from the operating room during a surgery. I replied saying that he could do the operation AND email at the same time? LOL. I was joking, because I seriously thought he was kidding. He said that he has access to email in OR and snuck an email to me during the process. I was like... what the heck? He couldn't make phone calls in OR but could email?? Why didn't he email me Friday night then? Well, I guess it could be that it was a serious surgery (5 or 6 hours), but still... Anyway... I see a lot of red flags. He said he can't wait to see me tonight. He might have to stay late but will give me a call (again, I was thinking what the heck, last time he said he can get off work early Tuesday night, that's why we arranged for Tuesday) I am not very familiar with his line of work and I don't know if I am not being considerate or making a big deal out of his busy schedule. But I find the situation extremely frustrating. He's too unpredictable, or rather his hours are too unpredictable.

This thread is getting too long... sorry about that! But after 2 weeks and a half we still only had 2 dates. Tonight will change that... hopefully. We'll see. Thanks for those who have the patience to follow the thread.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2003
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 2:38pm
Do you have any proof that he is actually a doctor?