Seeking advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Seeking advice
3
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 12:11pm
My mom is currently involved with a man she met on Match.com. My sister and I are having a hard time getting used to him. He acutally moved in with my mom about 6 months ago, not long after they met. My mom is 56 years-old and divorced twice. She was married to my dad for 23 years and my step-dad for 3 years. She has expressed to us and to her new beau that she isn't interested in getting married. I'm hoping that someone can share some advice to help me cope with my mom's new boyfriend. Why do people go to the internet to find a date? What happens when the fun and excitement wears off? How can you be sure that the person on the other side is who he says he is?

Thanks in advance for your advice.
Avatar for music_goddess2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: emilouwho
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 1:57pm
Hmm,I will try to answer your questions to the best of my capabilities:

I think that only time and acceptance will help you with coping with your mother and her boyfriend. Find the good qualities about him and continue to associate that with him,give him a chance and don't look at him as an evil person unless he has proven so to you.But nobody's perfect and we all make mistakes,we just don't do it constantly,ahh i'm losing track of what I am saying and meaning.

I think people go online to look for dates because you can find people you could never find elsewhere in real life although of course there is danger in meeting those people=\ You also fall for a person's personality not looks which gives a deeper connection and sense of relationship with the other person.

When the fun and excitement wears off,that's when you see the true colors of the person,see how they are in everyday life. The honeymoon period is over between me and my guy and it says something important that he can handle me even as I am after all the change that has happened to me.

And the only way you can be sure of someone is to trust them, talk to their friends or family,ooooooooooor do a criminal background check=)

Hope I helped you some.~Cherry~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
In reply to: emilouwho
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 1:59pm
Welcome to our board!! We are so glad to have another new face. Well, to give you some of my personal advice, I would say spend some time with the boyfriend along with your mother and try to really get to know him more. Possibly, it could be just a misunderstanding between the three of you. (you, your sister, and the beau) Maybe a family event together and just talk with him one on one if you get the chance and clear the air, so to speak. Is the fact that your mother meeting him online bothering you or your sister? Sometimes when people have already been married, and are older, and done the whole bar scene way to many times to count, they need a new way to meet people. If that happens to be on line, well then it is the new thing now a days. I always use to tell my friends, I wish we could meet people and hand them the a book with the story of our lives in it and once we look it over, it eliminates the questions and helps you to decide if they are someone you might be interested faster then the 20 questions deal. So, I suppose you could see match.com as the same way. You have all the stats on someone right there, so it helps you to eliminate the losers right off. Now, with the lying...that is something we have been debating on the board now for a few days. How do you know if someone is telling the truth? You dont. You have to either choose to take the risks or not. Play the game or dont. You cannot know who is truthful these days. You just have to give them a chance and see if they are going to be honest. I really hope your mother's boyfriend is being honest with her, and hope that the lines of communication remain open. For her and you and your sister. Sounds to me, like maybe a heart to heart needs to take place between the three of you. Tell your mother how you feel and maybe she can help you and your sister to understand it better. Goodluck to you and I hope you keep us updated on the situation.

Gail

Avatar for jayecey
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: emilouwho
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 9:15pm
I can't tell you exactly why your mom used the services of Match but I CAN tell you that meeting people in this way is just another medium. I stopped going to clubs a while back, still love to dance my butt off, but I outgrew the formula of meeting people in those places. I'm not into social events like church meetings, tole painting classes, community softball, my kids are out of high school so I don't participate in PTA's where other single parents might, the guy's who pump my gas are either half my age or twice my age, I do my groceries at night because I work all day, I gotta tell ya, the pickins are slim! I love to socialize but where the heck can I talk to a man who's not my boss, father, priest or minister? *sigh lol

Sooo...people like me, maybe like your mom, use dating services and other internet outlets. You can't really be sure of anyone unless you spend substantial interactive time with them, we use different tools online, and we rely and listen to our gut feelings for the most part.

You're going to have to figure out exactly what it is that's bothering you about your moms bf. Is it just about the way they met or is it the way he treats her or is it her behavior or something different altogether.

When I first met my now husband online, my girls thought I'd lost my mind! It all changed the moment they began communicating with him and their relationship with him was solidified when they met him. I couldn't have been happier! They absolutely adore him and he adores them!

I hope you'll take the time to analyze the discontent you feel and that you may now have a better understanding of why people meet in this way.

Hugs

Jayecey