Seeking advice re current relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Seeking advice re current relationship
4
Tue, 08-19-2003 - 9:55am
I've posted a few questions on various boards re. the guy I'm currently dating. The comments/advice I've received all indicated that I have a good thing going with this guy. Any concerns I had seemed to reflect my personal insecurities and tendency to overanalyze.

Anyhow, we've been dating 2 months since meeting through an online dating site. He is affectionate, kind, generous, treats me with respect, listens when I talk, shows interest in my day to day life and he remembers everything I tell him. In additon, he accepts my shortcomings, which for many men are dealbreakers when it comes to dating/relationships. He is loyal and has a loving relationship with both his immediate and extended family. He has had the same close-knit circle of friends for 15+ years.

The problem is that there are a few issues that I would like to discuss with him but seem to lack the nerve.

1. All our time together is spent eating take-out and watching videos. I posted about this recently asking if this is "normal." We do both enjoy this; however, last time I saw him I felt that our time together is becoming boring and predictable. I also feel that we have slowed down the pace of getting to know each other since you only see certain aspects of each other when you severely limit how you spend time together. I want to suggest that we add some variety to our dates because I feel that we have fallen into a rut but since I'm not a really social person, I have no idea what to suggest we do. The only out-of-the house activity he engages in is fishing with the guys once/week.

2. We both still have our online ads posted and we both log on to the site occasionally. We haven't formally discussed exclusivity but I haven't been dating others and neither has he. I know this because he told me early on that he only dates one woman at a time. He's a relationship kind of guy and was actually concerned when I told him I've always been the multiple date type and have had only one exclusive relationship. Anyhow, I've been waiting for him to raise the issue of exclusivity and taking our ads down but he hasn't. Lately I've been getting quite a number of emails from guys through the dating site so now I'm thinking that maybe I should bring up the subject.

3. Although he talks about family and mentions friends by name, we haven't met each other's friends or family. After 2 months this makes me wonder if our relationhips is progressing at all. I don't even know if his friends/family know about me.

My brother and some friends have pointed out that I have a tendency to hide my feelings and maintain very high walls around my emotions. They say that he probably does not realize that I'm even all that into him. They also think that if any conversation is going to occur re. our relationship I'll have to initiate it because HE'S probably to afraid of being rejected by ME.

So, should I raise these issues (that I've been waiting for him to raise)? How do I go about it without sounding critical or make him feel that I'm pushing for more that he is willing to give? I'm all for moving slowly and cautiously as long as I know that we're actually going somewhere.

jhoover21

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Tue, 08-19-2003 - 10:07am
Ok, this is my take. You two are getting to a point where you need "the talk". Things need to either spice up, or ship out. Seriously, now I am running into this same problem with the guy I met on americansingles. The one with the kid. The one I have known now only a month. It seems all we do is sit at my house or his, with or even without the kids. Money is tight, since we are both single parents. Not a big deal to me, but I want to go out. To dinner, to a movie. SOmething! Sitting at home, gets old, I dont care if you are a homebody or not. You both need to get out at some point. Besides, you need to see how you both react out in public together to test out the boundaries of the relationship. A simple, "Hey, lets go out to this new restaurant!" would be fine to suggest.

Now, the family and friends deal, being only 2 months it may be too soon and then again he may be gauging how he feels on you. Like you said, maybe you have a wall up and he is just taking his time and giving you space. You may need to speak up about this and maybe he is ready to move into that phase of the relationship.

Now, the last thing, the ads. Well, to tell you the truth, the guy E. He checked his website in front of me in a joking way. He said he just wanted to see if we got any hits, and then I explained to him I was not on the site. He sees it as a humorous thing, which I am still not sure how that makes me look since I responded to his ad. I think you two having the talk will set some guidelines up for the relationship. Talk about how you both feel and if you think things are getting serious, take both your ads down and get on with it.


The talk is in need here. 2 months and still going strong. Go out to dinner and talk. Let out how you feel about this guy and you will see so many more doors open for you two.

Goodluck and let us know how it goes.


gail:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Tue, 08-19-2003 - 7:27pm
If these concerns are really bothering you, you should bring them up with him. He's not a mind reader. If you want to be exclusive ask him what he thinks. The reason he hasn't brought it up may be because you said you like to date around so it's safer just to keep you in the "rut" because he thinks that's how he'll keep you interested. If you want to go to do more things there are lots of ways to spend time with him besides the couch that doesn't require having to deal with people. I don't know your interests but you could go play pool at an arcade, or just going for a walk at the park or visit a zoo, museum or even go play mini golf...SOMETHING that requires a little interaction. Has he met any of your friends or family? If so then you should say something like "Oh, so and so sounds like a pretty cool guy...when do I meet him?" or even better just flat out ask if he's mentioned you to family/friends. Even though you haven't met them at least they know of your exsistence:). Anyway...the basic answer is Yes,talk to him about all this and it should make both of you feel better:). Good luck:)

M.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Sat, 08-23-2003 - 9:57am
Dear jhoover-

I agree with your concerns. On a side note, there are certain things about me that would be deal breakers w/guys and if you ever want to discuss this problem privately, i would love to do so, let me know.

First of all, you need a change in venue---You can only know so much about a person by sitting at home & watching a movie. You need to experience each other out...if money is tight, go to lunch..much cheaper, even at nice restaurants. Or go for a walk in the park..get an ice cream..go to the mall..go to a free concert..whatever. You need to see how he interacts w/others and vice versa. You may not like his public persona, or you may love it. He may be very courteous to waiters..a great thing. Up until now, he has been unable to show you this. You have every right to be bored. I would be. This may sound b!+chy, but one of my girlfriends stated.."if he takes you to a cheap restauant on the first official date, things will only go down hill". Is that true,maybe, maybe not.

As for the friends & family issue..it's all about what is in his head. I usually do not have people meet my mother as I know she will be hard on them..but to me. And i do not want that. She will be nice to them, but I may hear certain things. I am an only, but after 2 months, I would introduce him to my female cousin & her husband who are the same age. And to my friends.

I do not know what service you used, but that "last logged in" thng on match.com is annoying. It can cause trouble...maybe someone is on looking,maybe they logged into see if you are looking, maybe they are on for the he!! of it, one of my friends was told his girlfriend was on looking for people in her situation and wanted chat buddies(turned out to be a lie). Have the talk. I know it can be stressful, but if you have other opportunities, you need to know.

Remember, take care of yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Sat, 08-23-2003 - 10:48am
I've moved this post to a new folder.


Edited 8/23/2003 10:58:17 AM ET by jhoover21
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