separated

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
separated
17
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 7:31pm
Is there anybody here that is a bit wary of people who put in their profiles that they're separtated? I've noticed a few men that I'm interested in but then I notice that they're separated and it makes me wonder. Divorced I can take.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: kathy748
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 7:59pm

I would probably skip over a separated profile unless they looked like a really good match. I dated while separated and I had that in my profile (a profile you all would have hated, lol), I didn't even have a picture up and I got plenty of dates and met my x-bf (we dated a year 1/2). I think once people talked to me they could see it would not be a problem mainly because all the decisions had been made and custody was all worked out and we had no unresolved issues.

If I actually went on a date with someone who was separated I'd look for signs that they needed a shoulder to lean on or emotional support to get them through or a lot of drama going on. Neither is condusive to a healthy relationship. However, if the person has been separated a while and it's a matter of waiting for the paperwork to come through and they are established in their new life as a single person and have done some reflection and understand what went wrong in the marriage and what their part in it was, and no drama going on, then I wouldn't mind too much.

It is possible to meet a separated person that has it all under control and a divorced person who is a mess and still dealing with the breakup of the marriage and ongoing drama. But overall, fully divorced is better.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
In reply to: kathy748
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 8:06pm

I did date someone who was separated for a year and a half – apparently if homes/money seem to be involved it can take that long but I gave him a shot – I broke it off with him after 6 weeks for other reasons not that. However I probably would avoid it now just because someone who is not officially divorced will more likely than not take their time (which they should) on their next marriage. I’m ready to go if I met the right person so we may not be a good match. I’m not at an age where I can wait 2 or 3 years – you’re call and it depends on what you’re looking for. The guy I dated was very independent not clingy—fun too.

SP

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
In reply to: kathy748
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 8:39pm

Hi Kathy,

I won't date separated people mainly because there is always the chance they could go back to their spouse and if my feelings are going for them, then I am the one hurt and having to deal with the pain. So not dating them is self preservation of my emotions. Even if they have been separated for some time, IMHO they are still not done with it until the paperwork says so.

I would much rather date someone who has been divorced for awhile and has dealt with their divorce issues and has done some healing. They are more available, yet I do realize there are divorced people who HAVE NOT dealt with their issues and should not even be dating because they aren't emotionally healthy enough to get involved with another person and instead should be working on themselves. But this could apply to a single person also who hasn't healed over a breakup of say a LTR. Everyone heals in different lengths of time.

Sunshine

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kathy748
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 8:44pm

I'm more that a "bit wary"--I won't date men who are separated.

There's just too much going on emotionally during that time period, whether they are aware of it or not. I am also leary of dating anyone whose divorce hasn't been final for at least a year.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
In reply to: kathy748
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 9:34pm

<<>>

This is exactly what happened to me after dating for a little over year. Never again!!

Holly

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
In reply to: kathy748
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 11:36pm
I wouldn't even consider dating somebody who was not divorced yet. I have seen too many people (women as well as men) be perfectly fine up until that court date, then completely fall apart. Even when you think you're over it, it can hit you really, really hard without warning. It did me, and I had the friendliest divorce I know of. (maybe that's why, but I don't think so.) There's no way to know how a person will react and if they react badly, it will take time to heal. And that's perfectly normal. When I was still separated I did still date, and I dated a couple of guys who were still separated, and both of them got less stable as the date approached. And I thought I was fine. And it turned out I totally wasn't. But everybody always THINKS they're fine. So you just can't tell.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
In reply to: kathy748
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 11:43pm

My take on *separation* is that they have not cleaned up their mess yet. I want someone who is capable of fixing their mistakes.

Of course, I never use the *mess* word. I tell the guy that I need that door to be closed before I start with someone. A handy phrase I picked up from one of the multitude of selfish-help books I've read over the years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
In reply to: kathy748
Fri, 08-12-2005 - 8:28am
I don't know if it would bother me ... maybe I would be a bit more careful for signs that it isn't over or he/she isn't through but then some divorces just take time for various reasons. A friend of mine had to wait forever to get his divorece because his ex-wife disappeared and was not to be found .... I would say it depends a lot on the situation ... wouldn't rule a otherwise good match out totally just because of the separated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
In reply to: kathy748
Fri, 08-12-2005 - 2:25pm
What about the ones that say "Seperated" and "Lives with SO" Ummmmm okay, I'm really going to date someone that still lives at home with their spouse? I DONT THINK SO!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
In reply to: kathy748
Fri, 08-12-2005 - 4:57pm
On yahoo personals, I've matched with guys that under their criteria for their match in marital status they would have "any". What's up with that.

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