Separated vs. Widowed

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Separated vs. Widowed
22
Sat, 02-12-2005 - 10:50am
I've noticed that almost every man I see online is willing to date someone who is separated but hardly anyone is willing to date someone who is widowed. . This doesn't make sense to me. Has anyone else noticed this?

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Sat, 02-12-2005 - 10:06pm

>>AND posted a pic with he and his deceased wife (among the extras, not the main...) Clearly these men are NOT ready for a relationship with a new woman.<<

I hear ya. Obviously the situation differs.

I once saw a profile that had, no lie, a picture of a widowed lady, apparently on a picnic with her kids... until you look just a bit closer and realize that they are AT THE CEMETARY. So they're at his gravesite, and they've all got these weird robotic grins on their faces... yikes.

To be fair, though, I don't think that's a widow situation as much as it is a someone-with-serious-issues-to-work-out situation. Heaven knows there's people with issues that are NOT widowed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Sat, 02-12-2005 - 11:14pm
I won't date a widower. I have 2 friends who went through that, both long term relationships (they both have more patience for BS than I do). In both cases, they could never live up to the perfection of the dear departed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 10:06pm

Well, I never ran across a profile where it was noted that a widow was not acceptable. Guys have passed on me because I have children (LOL), but never because I'm a widow.

I can't speak for all widowed persons. For myself, it was clearly a case of being ready to move on and that happened on many different levels. When this occurs is different for each person.

I've seen the profiles posted where a man goes on about his lovely departed wife,etc. Actually, very admirable, but obviuously not ready to date again, IMO. I would never use my late husband as "baraomter" to measure a new man in my life. That would be unfair and unrealistic.

I think that dating again, regardless of the reason one is single, has everything to do with actually being "ready"...letting go of the past.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 10:11pm

>>A few seemed like they were living off the insurance.<<

I don't think LG meant anything by that remark. At least I wasn't offended. He can have a very dry sense of humor sometimes. ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 5:38am

>>I don't think LG meant anything by that remark. At least I wasn't offended. He can have a very dry sense of humor sometimes. ;)

I actually wasn't kidding - I met someone who was widowed who didn't work and mentioned several times about essentially shopping and going out constantly and having too big a home. I just assumed that she must have inherited a bunch of money since most people have to work to be able to shop like that.

There have also been several profiles where "I'm financially well off" are mentioned (which you typically don't see in all profiles). Perhaps I'm jumping to conclusions but that's the impression I got in those few instances.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 11:18am

Well, even if you weren't kidding, it still seems a little ludicrous to me. If the tables were turned, and it was a man stating the same thing, I would be totally turned off by it. I'd get the impression that they were trying to "impress" me with how much dough they had.

On the other hand, maybe they were trying to establish their financial independence? They may have experienced the stigma that widows are not only a sorry, sad lot, but financially needy as well and they were just trying to assure you that was not the case. (?)

In any event, it's bad form, IMO, to discuss that sort of thing so early on.

But thanks anyway for the unitentional chuckle!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 11:31am
I wonder if it isn't simply the preconception that widow=elderly? even though we all know it's not the case, some words have powerful associations.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2005
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 2:01pm

Well, I am a 35 YO widow! My 42 YO husband suffered a massive, fatal heart attack last year. I haven't signed up for any online dating services yet, but I was thinking that when I do, I would not disclose my widowed status.

As far as "not living up" to the "perfection" of the late spouse goes, I harbor no illusions about either my perfection, or the perfection of my late husband! Some women in my bereavement group have canonized their husbands in death, but I live in the real world!

I am a professional, well-educated, well-traveled, articulate, cultured woman. If someone is going to discount me because my husband died, then it's his loss.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 2:18pm
me, too! Separated to me means that they could still work things out with their spouse. I dated a widower last year, though, and it was horrible!!! It had been 5 yrs since his wife died and he talked about her and talked about her and cried to me about her...alright already! I get it, you loved her....And he was extremely protective of his three kids. He had issues. Anyway, still I would pick widowed over separated. I think if I was separated I wouldn't be on a dating website until my divorce was final. JMHO.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 6:01pm

>>As far as "not living up" to the "perfection" of the late spouse goes, I harbor no illusions about either my perfection, or the perfection of my late husband! Some women in my bereavement group have canonized their husbands in death, but I live in the real world!

I am a professional, well-educated, well-traveled, articulate, cultured woman. If someone is going to discount me because my husband died, then it's his loss.

I'd work that somehow into my profile because I think you stated it very well.