Seperated man...setting myself up for heartache?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2010
Seperated man...setting myself up for heartache?
20
Wed, 10-26-2011 - 10:27pm

I recently met a guy online, he is 41 and has been seperated for

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 10-26-2011 - 11:00pm

First I would want to find out if it's an amicable divorce--is everything agreed & they are just needing to file the paperwork and wait for a court date?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2010
Wed, 10-26-2011 - 11:42pm

Yes it's an amicable divorce and they both wanted out. They had already agreed to date others 2 years ago. On our date we talked about alot of things, how their marriage eroded over the years. He does not seem hung up on her and

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Thu, 10-27-2011 - 2:32am

Gingerpie-

Hi. There are a lot of "separated" men who aren't really separated, but use the line to cheat on their wives. His story isn't adding up for me. How were you able to verify he was in the Middle East? Even if so, that could mean he was separated for work reasons, not out of a failing marriage---very different. Also, as Musiclover12 indicated, even those people who are legitimately separated aren't always as ready to date someone new as they think they are. In an example from TV, Sunday night's episode of Desperate Housewives involved a separated wife who went back with a man to his place, but just couldn't go beyond kissing and left abruptly because she wasn't over her husband. Things like this can happen when getting involved with someone separated. So, IMO, stay away from any man who is still married and not yet divorced.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 10-27-2011 - 2:38am
I totally agree about the difference between separated and divorced. Being separated means being married. That is why there is the process of divorce. Common wisdom from therapists tell you to wait one year after the divorce is signed/finalized before dating. The reason is so that you can learn to be emotionally independent and learn how to be on your own in every way.
Frankly I do not think it is worth the risk. You can tell him to find you after that one year of his divorce.

I use to be that man. I fooled myself in thinking that I was emotionally ready and did my homework/personal work to get to a healthy place. I was wrong and broke the heart of the woman I said I loved because I still had to have that period of time after my divorce. But at least I was divorced.

Mark
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2010
Thu, 10-27-2011 - 6:40am

How do I know he was overseas? We both work for the

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
Thu, 10-27-2011 - 3:27pm

I have

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Thu, 10-27-2011 - 5:05pm
I was wondering the same thing as swimercise, not necessarily that he should be moving to be near his kids, but you said they would soon be "out of the picture" meaning what exactly? Is he not going to have visitation? Maintain a relationship? I live long distance from my DD for various reasons but she is still very much a big part of my life. She still comes for the whole summer and spring and winter break.

I'd even be concerned if he didn't maintain some kind of relationship with his step daughter. My DD still has a relationship with the guy I dated for four years after I got divorced and we never even lived together. But he was a big part of her life, so of course she misses him and wants to stay in touch. Her father still has a close relationship with his former step dad as well.
I think as far as being separated goes, it really depends a lot on the person. I was in a long term relationship before my divorce was final. I felt virtually no different after than I did before, other than relived it was over. I think being physically separated for a while makes a big difference. My boyfriend hadn't even filed yet when we started dating, because he has medical problems and couldn't afford to have a lapse in insurance coverage, and I never felt like it was an issue for him either.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2007
Thu, 10-27-2011 - 8:43pm

Gingerpie, maybe you should give him a chance if you already have feelings for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2010
Fri, 10-28-2011 - 12:18am

No, he is upset about his kids moving across country. As we have only had one date I did not pry into why the ex is moving so far away, but I believe she is getting a jobor maybe has family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Mon, 10-31-2011 - 12:58pm

Very interesting story, Ginger.

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