Sex and the "L" word

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Sex and the "L" word
9
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 11:59am

I am throwing this little contribution into the pot as a branch off the discussion "sex on the first date."

Several months ago I read an article somewhere on the Internet by a woman psychologist who said that she urges her clients not to have sex with any man they are dating until the man has told them, "I love you." The psychologist (can't remember her name) seemed to firmly believe that abiding by this rule saves her women clients from many hurt feelings, broken hearts, and trampled egos. And yes, I realize that there are plenty of dirty, lying scoundrels out in the real world, But evidently this psychologist didn't think the "lying scoundrels" problem is a major concern--at least she didn't address the issue.

What do all of you think of this psychologist's advice? The tea drinker

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 12:21pm
If I waited for a man to say "I love you" before having sex with him I'd still be a virgin.

 

 

 

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 12:32pm

Eh, not much ;-).

As you say, what's to prevent a guy from lying?

And personally, I think it takes a good 4-6 months of dating to *really* be in love with someone. I'd be a bit skeptical of the L word before that (the last time it happened early on I overrode my skepticism because I thought, "this is what everyone means when they say "you just know". Yeah, right.). And while I am capable of and prefer to wait a couple months before having sex, I really don't see being able to or wanting to wait 4-6 months. So, I don't think the advice is very practical.

Sheri

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 12:38pm

I believe that SHOWING love is way more important than saying the "L-word". Anyone can say "I love you" and make it sound sincere... some people say the L-word when they are really just feeling that rush of Lust, not Love. For me the R-words are more important: establishing a Relationship based on mutual Respect. I also think it's more important to genuinely LIKE each other on a friendship level if you want to build a lasting relationship.

But I've had plenty of sex without that connection, and most of the time it's JUST SEX. Nothing wrong with that in and of itself, but it's nothing to base a relationship on. It CAN grow into more, but that's the exception, not the rule.

I also think that saying "I love you" before, say 4-6 months, is kind of fooling yourself. I think you have to get through that "transitional phase" like Luv and Peanut have been talking about, and really decide to accept each other as is, before you can call it love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 3:33pm

I am way to sexual of a person to wait for the "I love you".

However I will say that the last time I was in love, I did wait. It was the best sex ever. Is there a correlation? I don't know.

Jodie

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 4:30pm

Giggle, snort. jh - you made me make funny noises while sitting in front of the computer by myself in my office!

Jodie - I am with you - I love sex too much to wait for a guy to say "I love you". If I did that, I wouldn't have had any in about 10 years. However, my "in love sex" was by far the worst (well, second worst) of the 5 guys I've been with. He was my first and it was always pretty awkward. Now that I am older, more confident and know what I like/want more, it's much better. However, I haven't been in love with any of the ones since the first one so it's tough to say if it would be even THAT much better if I had been in love.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 8:52pm

I think that advice comes from a time when sex was all a woman had to "barter" with; when she had to "trap herself a man" to ensure her survival.

I personally find that whole "sex as a GIFT to be given to the man when he's done all the right things or after six dates or when he says he loves me" thing kind of imposing... it's all such an incredibly personal decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 9:59pm
LOL...I seond that, well, OK maybe not. I was married. However I sure would be in a "needy' state!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 12:34am

I think this psychologist never saw the movie "Ghost". If Demi Moore had waited for Patrick Swayze to say it, they never would have hooked up.

Pshaw, yeah, right. ;)

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 10:52am
Ditto.