Sex these days

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Sex these days
9
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 1:01pm
I hope this post doesn't break any messageboard rules...are we allowed to talk about sex here?
I know this is somewhat of a personal question, but I just wanted to get overall opinions... How soon do you think it is okay to have sex with a new guy you're dating (who things seem to be working out well with)? The reason I'm asking is almost ALL guys I meet seem like they would be happy if it happens within the first few dates. My immediate friends don't sleep with guys right away nor do I (but maybe that's just b/c i have't found anyone I have that chemistry with), but who are the women giving a lot of these OLDers the idea that it happens? (Or are all these men just conspiring to get it to happen quick..just kidding). I'm not judging, I'm just curious...is it the norm that people sleep together very early on?? Do you think it matters in the long run? Do you think guy's respect for women is affected if a gal sleeps with him in the first few dates?
Okay, I sound really naive, but it's an honest question! In my last long term (2 year) relationship I got to that level pretty quick around 2-3 weeks of dating and maybe 10 dates. We definitely got seriously intimate on the first date. That was also back in my early-mid-twenties. I was a little wilder and less discriminate (--he was NOT the right guy for me). I've been trying to figure out my stance on it...I have been ultra serious about really getting to know someone before even thinking along those lines, barely even flirting with guys early on. I'm a lot older now and don't want to waste too much time getting caught up in that emotional pull of sex with the wrong man. Lately, though, I've been thinking of just letting sex be all part of it pretty quickly with someone I feel the chemistry with. I'm not sure if it significantly affects the relationship long term.
I'm not prying for overly personal details about you all, but am just curious what the overall consensus is, what the norm seems to be. ...if sex is an important thing you base whether or not you want to be with a guy (kind of like how kissing can turn someone off completely-good kisser or bad kisser).
If there is another more suitable message board to ask this qusetion at, please let me know!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 1:21pm

I don't think there's any one-size-fits-all answer to this - if you want to have sex on the first date, go for it.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 1:46pm

My preference is to wait until we've dated for 6-8 weeks or so, assuming we've had 1-3 dates a week during that time, so I've had a chance to spend a significant amount of time with the person, over time, and have gotten a pretty good sense of who he is and whether he is a person of integrity (do his words and actions match up?). I would like to wait longer in theory (because I truly believe that people's "real" personality doesn't start to come out until you've been dating for at least 3 months), but realistically, if I'm attracted to someone, that would be really, really hard.

The reason I wait isn't because I think it impacts the outcome of the relationship (my ex-husband and I were together 10 years and we slept together the night we met) but rather, because I get very emotionally attached through sex (more so than I do if I don't have sex) so that causes me to suspend good judgment and I tend to overlook and rationalize red flags. Then by the time I realize the guy isn't a good fit for me, it's too late--I'm attached, I'm in love, so I end up staying with men who aren't right for me for way too long.

Any time in recent memory that I've chosen to disregard my own guidelines (usually due to very strong physical chemistry), it has come back to bite me in the butt, so I'm really trying not to make any exceptions.

I honestly don't care what the "norm" is...if other women want to have sex right away and observe the (IMO totally ridiculous) "third date rule", well, that's their business. I'm not going to go along with something that's not good for me just because other people are doing it (I hear my mother's voice in my head, "if other kids jumped off the bridge, would you do it too?", LOL!).

And yes, sex is very important to me...but I'm willing to take the risk that we won't be sexually compatible and wait a couple months to find out...honestly, that hasn't really been a problem very often.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 3:14pm

Nope, talking about sex in relation to dating is perfectly appropriate for the board per the TOS.

heather 5-18-10
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 3:20pm
Thanks for sharing that. Something you said made me feel a little better about my new more liberal view. You said you are not seeking one night stands. I think that is the huge difference. I think I'm going to lighten up and not be so seriously prude with guys (that probably is a huge turn off for them anyway and I could miss something real good!) I know that I am definitely seeking a long term relationship and now that I've been hurt a few times and have learned about how to keep that balance between emotions, sex, and who is the right kind of guy for me, I think I can ease up on the prudishness. I just realized on my date last night that I am way too stand offish with men when I initially date. I'm not going to have sex for several weeks still, but I'm going to not be so serious in the beginning like I have been all year (I think part of my stance all year was thinking through what I am exactly looking for in a guy after my last LT relationship went south). It's also been a year since I've had sex and frankly, I'm starting to look forward to the 'opportunity' too! LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 3:50pm
I've also heard success stories where sex happens on the first date but they go on to either get married or have a very good relationship for several years. I know it can go both ways. Though, in the recent past I agreed more with those survey results...that's how I perceive guy's point of view would be, but I wonder how unbaised those results were and if there were extraneous variables that would skew the results. As much as I want sex, I don't want to be someone's "for right now" girl. I need to be a little more open minded though.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 4:32pm
I agree with coutrygirl's post, glad I'm not the only one who " tend to have sex with a guy as soon as I feel comfortable enough with him and the opportunity arises and it "feels right at the time."
I was VERY surprised when I had sex on date #2 w/ 3-month Fling Guy. I always thought of myself as kind of a Goodie Two Shoes Catholic Girl. I don't regret it, but I thought I'd be more restrained the next time that I felt all the chemistry thing so I'd at least be more sure of the guy first. NOT. I lasted til date #3 w/ my current BF. I now look at it as needing to be sure the sex will be good before I get all emotionally hung up on a guy. With 3 mo Fling Guy it was only so-so. Since my X was my only prior partner, and sex was great our entire 28 years together, I really didn't know how it might not be so great with someone else. I know it is the hormones talking when I feel that cozy afterglow, so I don't let that fool me into thinking I'm "in love". If, after the infatuation phase has passed, (at least 3 months), I feel that cozy, warm fuzzies when I'm with the guy and we're just hanging out, then I know I've found a keeper.
Sex, by it's very intimate nature, is going to something each of us has to figure out our own rules and it also depends on the particular guy's "rules". I believe that a man who truly has long term potential will be happy no matter if a woman waits for sex or crosses that line right away. "Mr.Right" will love you for who you are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 4:43pm

Heck, it is a part of dating so of course it is appropriate here!

I've been pondering this question myself for some time. How will i react when given the chance? I gave myself some basic guidelines---safe dating practices, etc, as they regard to sexual health AND keeping my family safe. Then I pondered the morality issue and discovered it no longer applies.

I came to the conclusion that there can be no blanket rule that applies to every guy, I'm just going to have to trust my gut and make that decision each time. I if I like a guy but don't see much of a future, I would considere short term sex. And that if I meet a guy but do see long term potential, I would be more inclined to make him wait. Sounds weird when I put it that way, but there it is. I was completely prepared to deal with guys who would put in their three dates just to get sex, then disappear.

And that is sort of how it happened. I went out with a guy that was fun and sexy, and I would have probably had short term sex with him if he hadn't blown it with his stalkerish behavior. And the second guy I went out with is a quality guy who is worthy of a wait.

sooooobig
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 2:26pm

I have thought about this issue a lot as well. In fact, I have wondered if having sex too soon ultimately affects your probability of having a LTR with the guy in question. So, I posted a survey on the "happily married" board to see how many self-proclaimed happily married women had sex early on in their relationships.

You can see the results to the survey and the thread here:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlhappilymar&msg=21703.1&ctx=256

From the survey results and responses, it seems that WHEN you have sex doesn't make as much difference as being compatible with the person, both people being long-term or marriage minded, etc.

One of the ladies responded that she slept with her husband even BEFORE date one. :)

For me, I tend to wait about a month (which usually means 6-8 dates). With someone I'm attracted to, I always intend to wait longer but it gets too difficult.

I agree with the poster who said that most guys respect a woman who will wait a little while. It seems that they will always try early, but appreciate a woman who holds off a bit. That said, if it's the right guy, it's the right guy. You could sleep together on date one or date 100, and it will work out with the right one, IMO.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 3:14pm

Interesting survey - thanks for posting the results.

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