Sex w/o exclusivity - am I nuts??!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
Sex w/o exclusivity - am I nuts??!
14
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 8:54am

I am in a strange situation and need some perspective and advice - please help! I am in my 30s and my sexual history is that I have only had a handful of partners and all have been people who I was involved with seriously. In most instances I dated the guy for a matter of months before becoming intimate, usually with a discussion about exclusivity and with OLD guys about taking down profiles. I have never done the ONS/casual sex thing and have always felt pretty in control of myself sexually.

However, I met this guy online two weeks ago, and it was like fireworks. I am so intensely attracted to him that I can't even describe it. I have never felt this way about anyone before. We have had two intense makeout sessions (no clothing removed or even breached, just intense in the level of passion). I am seeing him again tonight and for the first time in my life I honestly don't know if I have the willpower to refrain from sex w/him much longer. Part of me wants to just go for it. But I am torn over whether to initiate an exclusivity talk since we have been seeing each other such a short time. It seems too early. But then I think, how will I feel if I am sleeping with him and he is still seeing other women??

I should add that this isn't just a lust/sexual thing, we also have a lot in common and have a lot of fun together just doing whatever. We have had some really great talks about life and goals. I really think there is the potential for a LTR.

I don't think I am thinking very clearly right now so I wanted some outside input - what do you think I should do???

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 10:00am

My take on this is that you will have a better chance of a long-term relationship if you wait.

That being said, I will admit that the one man I ever slept with on what was essentially our third date was the man I married. My ex and I had 18 wonderful years before things went sour, and I don't think the marriage broke up because I slept with him too soon.

However, when I slept with my ex I was sure, without having had an "exclusivity" talk, that he wasn't sleeping and wasn't going to sleep with anyone else. I think that, all else aside, there are health reasons why one should avoid sleeping with someone who is going to be sleeping around.

Questions to ask yourself:

1- If you propose an exclusive relationship and he refuses, will you sleep with him anyway?

2- If you sleep with him before asking for an exclusive relationship and you propose it afterwards, how will you feel if he refuses?

3- Are you ready to have a relationship that is not exclusive?

4- Are you willing to let him go as a potential partner if he refuses to be exclusive?

If it were me, I would broach the exclusivity thing just as things are getting a little "heavy" (before any clothes come off, but after some excitement). I would pull myself back and say, "Look, this is going real fast and although it feels wonderful, I have some concerns." Then tell him that I am not comfortable going any farther without an exclusivity agreement. I'd admit that I am afraid that it is premature, but that I've never felt this strongly about a guy before, and I hope he feels the same about me. And if he said he wasn't ready for exclusivity, I'd end the make out session right there, no matter what it cost. I'd say, "I understand, but let's cool it a little then, until we are both ready to be exclusive." It would hurt like crazy, but in the long run, I know I wouldn't want to sleep with someone who didn't want to abstain from other relationships while he and I were together. That's just me, of course.

I'm sure you'll get a lot of good advice from others here who know more about online dating than I do.

Good luck,

Elsa

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 10:48am

Yes, that is the question...how WILL you feel if you sleep with him and it turns out he's still dating other women? Or (worse, IMO), if you sleep with him and he never calls again? Not that either couldn't happen if you wait, of course, but you reduce the risk by waiting and getting to know him better.

I've had that almost obsessive, addictive feeling of intense attraction a few times before, and I have to say, I really distrust it now. Not that I wouldn't act on it again, necessarily ;-), but I would pretty much KNOW that I was going to get burned again. So, if you do go for it, you need to be prepared for that possibility--accept the risk, in other words.

Also, I've found that I tend to hold on way too long to relationships that start with intense passion. I find out a couple months into it that he's NOT really a good fit for me, but because the passion is so intense, I stay in it longer than I should. Again, it's just something that you need to be prepared to run the risk of.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 2:18pm

Hi Elsa,

Thanks for your thoughts. I have given some thoughts to your Qs, which are good ones, and while a part of me (the part that wants to jump him lol) wants to say I am fine with taking my chances, really, looking into the future, I don't think I would be okay with sleeping with someone knowing he was still online and dating others. I think it would eat away at me. I am not a jealous person by nature, but I don't deal well with uncertainty when I am invested in a relationship. I think your approach is right.

One follow up Q - I have always heard that it is better to broach subjects like this at a neutral time, not when things are getting hot and heavy. But it seems more natural to discuss it in the moment rather than out of the blue. Anyone have any thoughts on what is the best timing for a talk like the one Elsa suggested?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 2:24pm

To each his own.


My thougths - I am not against sex w/o exclusivity, as long as no one is being sneaky about it. Also, if it were to hurt you if you slept with him & he kept seeing others, then by ALL means, dont do it till you talk to him about it.


Good luck. I know its hard to STOP, lol.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 2:26pm

Sheri,

Thank you for your thoughts. You pegged it exactly - almost obsessive! I was thinking about him all afternoon yesterday and for a brief moment found myself wanting to make a booty call last night - how crazy is that?! I have never done anything like that, ever! I didn't do it, but it just shocked me that the thought even crossed my mind.

It's interesting that you distrust that feeling and it hasn't worked out for you. I had been thinking that this feeling was a GOOD thing, that maybe this is what has been missing in my other relationships. It hadn't occurred to me that this might be something to worry about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 2:32pm
The thing is, I've never tried sex w/o exclusivity so I don't know how I would react. I am just guessing. My guess is that it wouldn't go well, but the part of me that doesn't want to stop, lol, is saying hey, maybe you CAN handle it. I feel like I have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, lol.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 2:37pm

SO funny you said that. I have a bit of a "crazy" rep. I was at the beach with other moms today & one couldnt believe that I dont have a tatoo.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 2:54pm

Yeah, that crazy, intense passion hasn't turned out to be a good thing--I've had it 4-5 times now and every time it's ended up badly for me--although I did have relationships with most of those men--just not good, healthy ones! Strong attraction is a good thing, of course, and I've had that too, but without the almost obsessive quality. So that's what I'm looking for.

As for talking about exclusivity, I've found that it works well to talk about it when you've kissed a time or two towards the end of the evening but before it gets intense. I pull back from kissing and say something like, "I'm really attracted to you as I'm sure you've realized by now. I just want to make it clear that I'm not comfortable with taking things further than this until we've decided to date exclusively, and I feel it's too soon for us to make that decision...we need to get to know each other better. I wanted to say this upfront tonight so that you don't feel lead on. Are you cool with that?"

This approach has worked for me a few times--it's bought me some more time and it puts me more in control of the timing (as opposed to the guy agreeing to exclusivity but maybe not really meaning it, in order to get sex).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 3:28pm

RE:

I think in general it is better to discuss it at a neutral time. But from what you were saying, there aren't a lot of neutral times in your relationship with this guy. ;)

There is also the point that if what you really want is to sleep with him no matter what, but you'd also like at least a chance at exclusivity, having him agree to exclusivity in a moment of passion might give you that chance--though the odds are that if he isn't ready and he agrees he will not stick to the agreement.

For me, having the guy agree to exclusivity "in a moment of passion" would protect my self-respect to some extent even if afterwards he changed his mind. But I'm a different generation from you and haven't been in your situation in a long time. Sheri's advice is probably more on target.

Good luck!

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2006
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 1:19pm
Please calm down and get him tested for STDs before you do anything more intimate with him! To convince him, get yourself tested as well, and then show each other the printed results. I suggest the following tests: HIV, Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Syphillis, Hepatitis B and Hepatitis C.

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