Sex w/o exclusivity - am I nuts??!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
Sex w/o exclusivity - am I nuts??!
14
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 8:54am

I am in a strange situation and need some perspective and advice - please help! I am in my 30s and my sexual history is that I have only had a handful of partners and all have been people who I was involved with seriously. In most instances I dated the guy for a matter of months before becoming intimate, usually with a discussion about exclusivity and with OLD guys about taking down profiles. I have never done the ONS/casual sex thing and have always felt pretty in control of myself sexually.

However, I met this guy online two weeks ago, and it was like fireworks. I am so intensely attracted to him that I can't even describe it. I have never felt this way about anyone before. We have had two intense makeout sessions (no clothing removed or even breached, just intense in the level of passion). I am seeing him again tonight and for the first time in my life I honestly don't know if I have the willpower to refrain from sex w/him much longer. Part of me wants to just go for it. But I am torn over whether to initiate an exclusivity talk since we have been seeing each other such a short time. It seems too early. But then I think, how will I feel if I am sleeping with him and he is still seeing other women??

I should add that this isn't just a lust/sexual thing, we also have a lot in common and have a lot of fun together just doing whatever. We have had some really great talks about life and goals. I really think there is the potential for a LTR.

I don't think I am thinking very clearly right now so I wanted some outside input - what do you think I should do???

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 2:18pm
Update . . . we went out last night, had a great time. Afterward we sat on my deck just talking for a little while, then he suggested that we go inside. We sat on the sofa, started kissing, and I followed Sheri's suggestion - pulled back after a couple of kisses, said I wasn't comfortable going further until we are exclusive and I thought it was too soon for that. He was amazingly fine with it, which relieved my anxiety greatly. We hung out for awhile longer kissing but this time while I was v. turned on I felt more in control of myself. I think having told him that we wouldn't be having sex right away I felt obligated to keep my end of that, lol. Anyway, he was a perfect gentleman and I think I have myself under control for the time being. Thanks to all of you for your help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 5:42pm

I'm happy that you've found someone you're deathly attracted to. That's a good thing.

I've slept with 2 men in my life pretty early on and to tell you the truth it wasn't worth it. I really believe that when a man has sincere intentions he's going to want to hold off on the sex (especially if you're both in your 30's). Both these guys I slept with were guys I met online, also instant attraction and they were both pushy for it to happen. Now in hindsight I should've seen the signs. They didn't dump me, we continued dating for months afterwards, but I do think the sex came to early.

I'm 36 and my mindset is this: I DON'T GIVE FREEBIES. If it's not going to be exclusive, you've met the wrong girl, dude. Move on.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 6:08pm

Yay! Glad to hear it went well and that you're feeling more comfortable with things. I've definitely found that it makes a difference to put myself more in control of the pacing by saying something like this.

So when are you seeing him again?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 6:30pm

Tuesday (4th) - we are grilling out and possibly going to the pool (ack! swimsuit anxiety! :). We've been seeing each other about twice a week which helps to keep things at a slower pace. I gotta tell you though, Tues sounds really far away!

Thanks again for the advice, you really helped me out!

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