SEX/Dating question...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
SEX/Dating question...
20
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 10:50pm

This is kind of a delicate issue. When you find someone you like and want to have sex with them, how do you approach the STD issue??

Do you insist on an AIDS/herpes/STD test before you have sex for the first time? Or do you both agree to start the test process and use condoms until the results come back. As I'm sure many of you know, a person can have herpes outside of the area protected by the condom, so how do you deal with that?

Women, be honest, please.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 10:35am

In my relationship while i was dating my BF and before sex I told him I hadn't been intimately involved with anyone in a year and had been recently tested (when i get my pap I have everything done including STD testing) so I had my report card so-to-speak. He too had his yearly physical recently but I'm sure he had sex w/in the year unlike myself.

Avatar Image"The Small Peanu
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 12:02pm
Thanks. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 2:55pm

I'm curious about this too. I brought this up with one guy I was dating and he looked at me like I was from another planet. One of my friends and I concluded that most guys are more concerned about getting you pregnant than STD's.

Come on girls how do you handle this issue?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 5:19pm
In this day and age you can't be too careful. I would definately ask the guy about how careful he's been and his sexual history, and if you question it/him then definately ask for a test to be done. By all means use a condom until you feel comfortable and secure that he is either telling the truth about being careful and that he has been tested and is free and clear, or until you get the test scores back. But like you said with herpes a condom still won't protect in all cases and it's a very common STD, so you would have to decide what to do in this case if he does have this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 5:55pm
I agree that most men are more concerned with the pregnancy thing than STD, but you still have to be careful. I also use condoms until both of us are tested, because you just never know. Yeah a lot of guys don't like condoms but I have yet to find a guy that when given the choice between sex with a condom and no sex at all didn't choose the condom. If the guy cares about you he will have no problem with it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 9:10pm

Hey SP and all...

You should all be aware that the normal STD testing that you receive with your pap absolutely, positivly DOES NOT INCLUDE TESTING FOR HERPES. So if you think when you had your yearly checkup and when the gyn or pa say they will test you for all std's and then you get your results...you still don't know whether you have herpes or not. No standard STD panel includes herpes testing. Same with the guys....if they ask to be tested for STD's a dr does not include herpes testing. Even if you do know to ask, "Does that include a herpes test?" most docs will say if you haven't had symptoms or knowingly slept with someone with herpes why bother. OY!

There are limited ways to test for herpes...if you are having an active outbreak then the blisters can be swabed for a PCR test (I think that is what it is called), however believe that this test will not tell you if you have HSV1 or HSV2. The other test is a blood test that will identify the antibodies and can tell you if you have HSV1 or HSV2. BTW...HSV1 is the "cold sore" virus and can show up orally or genitally. HSV2 is the strain that primarily will show up only genitally, but rare cases of this type can show up orally. This means a person can have genital HSV1, oral HSV1, genital HSV2, and very rarely oral HSV2.

More fun bits...before any sores ever show up (or even if they don't) this virus can "shed" on the skin prior to all outbreaks (this isn't something you can see) and be passed to someone with skin to skin contact. A general rule of thumb is that anywhere in the boxer short area is considered fair game for shedding virus to be present. For oral outbreaks the virus can be shedding in a larger area than just your lips and chin, too. So, yeah, a condom ain't gonna cover that much...not even a Magnum XL. Some people get outbreaks on their nose, some have sores on their tailbone, some on their butt, sometimes right on their genitals, sometimes on the inside of the thigh.

FINALLY...A couple of other fun facts....people can have herpes and not know it. There are many folks who are asymptomatic, meaning they do not have outbreaks yet carry the virus, shed the virus, and never see a blister. lesion, or cold sore. I have never let a nasty looking penis anywhere near me and yet...I know so much about herpes! Now how do ya think THAT happened?!?!;-)

There is so much dang misinformation and assumptions made about this virus that I am complelled to get up on my soapbox (lovingly) to try to educate folks whenever I can. Hope ya'll have a great night! :P (backing away into lurkdom hoping I don't get stoned to death!!)

xo
XRG

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 9:35pm
I just read that 1 in 5 people have the herpes virus.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 9:43pm
This is true. It's the most common STD and probably the easiest to catch.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 2:41pm
As someone that is currently doing the old thing and does have herpes I can tell you that I'm very upfront about it. I usually try and wait until I've met someone and if there is any kind of chemistry that might lead to sexual contact of any kind, I let them know that I do have it. I'm extremely careful about it. I take my medication when I feel an outbreak coming on and always use condoms. I have been in a couple of committed relationships where we didn't use condoms but they guys I was with knew that I had it and they were okay with it. It was their choice though. I actually have been talking to a guy that I met at match, we've had one date and the emails lately have gotten a lot more flirty and sexual. I have not told him yet but I wanted to wait until we met face to face again. I don't feel that it is something that you can talk about via email because email is a very hard form of communication for something so personal. To me if the person is an upstanding person then they will tell you upfront that they do have something like this. If they are going to keep information like this away from though, it's time to hit the trail! I still to this day am very angry that I contracted this virus and the thought of telling guy after guy that I have it is enough to make you want to quit dating altogether sometimes....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 5:28pm

spanky, let me ask you this: when you contracted genital herpes, was your partner wearing a condom? I suspect a lot of people don't think you can get herpes while using a condom, but the truth is you can if the herpes site of infection is outside of the area of the condom on the infected person. For example, the thigh area, or somewhere in the pelvic area, or on a man, even on his testicles.

Some women don't seem to mind taking that risk, thinking that the condom is okay. I don't understand this. This is the reason I waited so long to have sex even though I was dying for it. I want my sexual partner/bf when I get one to be tested for all STDs. I did after the last person I slept with. And being tested once after a sexual encounter is not enough, you need to be tested again six months later (maybe the recommended interval between testing has been changed to sooner, I don't know).

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