Should I ask?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
Should I ask?
4
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 11:23am

I posted this on another board but would like to get some opinions here as well...


Met a boy online (he just turned 25 and I turned 28 about 2 weeks later), we went out, had a great time, talked online the next day, both said we had a great time and we should do it again soon...this was back in june, so it's been about 6-7 weeks...we only see each other about once a week (he owns his own business, they are going through a very busy time right now, we were chatting online one night and he said it's been crazy busy but should calm down in a couple of weeks, so maybe early August). He also plays on 3 softball teams, and has dinner with dad once a week, so there's 4 nights gone right there. After our first date when we were talking online, he said that he thinks he should quit one of the teams, it feels like he is constantly blowing people off that want to do something but "if you want to go out again, I'll make the time, I had a really great time"


So again, we've seen each other about once a week, and we chat online once in a while, I don't think he's much of a phone person, but if I call him, he'll call me back. Things seem to be progressing okay, it took him 4 dates to kiss me, but he came out for my birthday, which to me, meant something...but I don't have a ton of experience dating either. Also, we were talking about prior relationships and my 2 have both lasted a whopping 2 months and he said that he usually decides after about 2 months if he wants to take it further, and then it will turn into a long term relationship. His last one was over 2 years and she abruptly ended things about 5 months ago, and he says he still doesn't know what happened (or he's just not telling me).


He seems to be interested, some of my friends think that he's just really shy and wants to take things super slow, which is fine, but I feel as though I'm the one always initiating plans, or we'll talk about doing something but he doesn't go the extra step and say "let's go do it" but if I say "let's go do it", he will. Another friend thinks that he is still hurting from the breakup, but then she says, why is he dating?


So I've decided for now to just back off and let him come to me...but at the same time, I am not the type of person that will just let things fade, I would rather have an answer...either you like me and you want to see me or you don't like me and you don't want to see me, but it's my experience that men don't always operate that way. A male friend of mine (an ex actually) said that most guys would rather just not call a girl then confront her, which is what he did when he dumped me over e-mail, ha. I really like this guy though, and I want to give him the benefit of the doubt that he is just super-busy right now, but at the same time, if he's not interested in continuing things, then I would rather just find out now and be a little hurt then keep spending time with him only to find that he's been doing it to be polite.


Is it too soon to ask him "what are you looking for?". I don't want to have this conversation online, I'd rather see him in person and ask him, but the last time I saw him (Saturday) we ended up having sex. I haven't talked to him since, I saw him at his office briefly on Tuesday when I had to drop my computer off to be fixed by one of the guys, (and no, before you jump to conclusions, it wasn't an excuse to see him, my laptop is back up there today, ha) and we talked for a minute, but I haven't talked to him since, and I didn't say a word to him yesterday.


I did send him a text yesterday, after listening to a friend who just said to "go balls out and do it" and asked if he wanted to see a movie on Saturday....well, about 4 hours later I get a text back "I'm so wet!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2003
In reply to: rebainmi
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 11:47am

Honest opinion? This situation is a text-book perfect example of He Is Just Not That Into You. You are pursuing this man; he every now and again fits you in with his busy schedule and has no real interest in you. Don't waste your time chasing this man. You are worth an awful lot more than this. Stop all contact - I would be surprised if he didn't just dissappear when you do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: rebainmi
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 11:51pm

He may be a busy guy, but IF a relationship w/ you WAS his priority, he would make more time.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
In reply to: rebainmi
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 9:40am
I agree...and I chased a guy once before and I vowed not to do it again, so yesterday I decided that I am going to cut off contact for now and see when I hear from him again, and well, if I don't hear from him, I've got my answer. A friend of mine went through this recently, but this guy pursued her and chased her for 3 months until she finally gave in, and then he faded away. She hears from him every once in a while but she told him that he is too busy to make time for her and she wants someone that WILL make the time for her. I've been through this before and survived, I'll get through it again...it just hurts a lot right now :(
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
In reply to: rebainmi
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 9:08pm

I've been through that scenario too and you're right, it isn't easy. If you let go now, you will only be empowering yourself. Don't allow this guy to get you down...you deserve much better :)