Should I be concerned?...
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| Tue, 04-24-2007 - 3:53pm |
The guy that I am currently dating told me some things, that concerns me regarding his personality. First, we met on an online dating site. He tells me that he logs onto that site primarily to return messages and to check on me to see when and how often I've logged on...
Second, he told me that he has trust issues, and that his last relationship ended because he was suspicious that the girl was talking to other guys on the dating site and he had one of his friends put up a phony profile and contact her to see if she would take the bait. She did, and he ended it.
Third, he says he has issues with his woman/gf looking at and checking out other guys when she is with him, and if he sees that she is checking out a guy, he will eventually terminate that relationship.
Fourth, he says he doesn't earn much but is happy with what he earns and his lifestyle and if he has any hint that a woman he's with will start to look down on him or have a problem with his earnings, he will end it real quick, before she does...
His last relationship of 8 years ended because she embarrased him in front of her children (he has none) when she pulled rank on him in front of the children and reversed his discipline decision thus embarrasing him. He said, he left...From what I understand there was no counseling and not much discussion. He said the next day, she found him flipping through apartment rental magazines and she said, "what are you doing?" and he said, "I'm leaving."
He seems like such a nice guy, but...I'm not sure what I think at this point. And he was very frustrated at me on Saturday.

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I wanted to add that in the past I would have ignored certain things, but I've learned that that isn't a good idea. And I was a bit of a tease last Saturday, but that's do to my inexperience with men, I really didn't mean to tease him.
I'm formulating my own opinions...but I'd be interested in hearing others.
Why would you even ask? He's flying his red flags in your face....
robyn: "Seriously, what kind of advice do you think you'll get after reading about this guy?
Why would you even ask? He's flying his red flags in your face...."
EEK! But, I needed to hear this. I've been getting requests on plentyoffish from other guys for dates, but I was trying to give this guy the benefit of the doubt...He seemed so nice, and I really think he is a nice guy all things considered but he was cheated on, more than once and he does have issues with insecurity and trust it seems. Everyone has their faults which was why I was willing to see how this unfolds.
Saturday, he got teased, yes, he did, but he knew up front that I was sexually inexperienced with guys, so I don't know what he expected. The way it went down, I think he was hurt, maybe felt rejected more than anything, but he needs to step up to the plate and start acting like the adult he is, or...our association will fade into nothing.
Hey...
I guess I'm trying to understand what's up with the 'teasing'. What does that mean? You said that you're 'sexually inexperienced' with guys; however, you 'teased' him. Why would you do that? If you're seeking an actual, eventual relationship with another adult, why would 'teasing' come into play?
You said that he needs to step up to the plate and start acting like an adult, yet you admit that you teased him? Is that acting like an adult? Believe me, I'm not judging you...you can behave however you choose with men you date. However, it's not fair to imply that someone else is being immature, when you admit that you're kinda being the same way.
Please correct me if I'm wrong. Maybe I have the whole 'teasing' thing wrong. Maybe you can help me understand.
Mali
I think that sometimes what comes across to others as "teasing" is enough for the newbie. I mean, if the whole experience is pretty new, who wouldn't want to slow down and just enjoy it? The experienced person has different expectations of what feels good.
However, it does call into question his ultimate motives. Ideally, the fact that one party is enjoying themself immensely from simple stuff should be a huge ego booster. Unless he's only concern with one part of the physical. That's just selfish. In my (limited) experience selfish=immature.
Just my impressions.
Hi, Mali. Things kind of got out of hand, and I nipped it in the bud before sex-oral or otherwise occured. I had no intention of sex occuring that night and if he got that impression it was a mistake. Now,he's the one that started touching (very intimately) me. I didn't stop him because I thought that he could stop himself and be ok with my decision not to engage in sex that night. I really did NOT set out to tease him and I even apologized to him both that night and the next morning because I did feel bad about frustrating him, but apparently that wasn't good enough. Below is the "rant" I was treated to last night from him:
Him: "There is being inexperienced and then there is allowing a guy to touch you all over and you so much as dont even raise a hand to reciprocate on any level. You were not too reluctant to receive my touch...There is nothing i wouldn't do or no place i wouldn't put my mouth/tongue to please u and make u cum..........."
This just wasn't true, I was willing to reciprocate, and I did, I just didn't want to take it all the way, and he was going in that direction, at least in the direction of wanting oral sex that night. All this was done despite his assertions that he did not want to ruin things, so he would *not* rush me. I needed a little more time. We also had a conversation before this happened,and he told me that he would be irritated with me if I did not at least try to masturbate while we were having sex. I thought that was *my* decision...
He sounds like Alec Baldwin to me...He seems pushy, dominant and inconsiderate of my feelings. I have been asked out by another guy this Saturday, and I'm going.
Good to read that you have decided to go out with someone else Purity.
On the whole I would say that this man doesn't sound very nice. You might want to tell him clearly that you have decided not to continue so that there aren't any misunderstandings.
It also might be worth remembering what my dear old mum once said ..
'men are like trains, once they build up a head of steam it can be a bit hard to stop them'. Keep a clear head about what you do and don't want to do.
Best Wishes,
Bridget xx
Wow purity, all of this would be ok if you didn't want a serious relationship with him and you weren't getting attached, but you are. You see all these red flags, complain about him constantly after only
vexer: "Wow purity, all of this would be ok if you didn't want a serious relationship with him and you weren't getting attached, but you are. You see all these red flags, complain about him constantly after only three dates but you're sharing your body with him. What does that say about this "relationship", purity? Any woman that thinks she can read a man's mind and determine based on that or on some gut instinct or ill conceived notion that HE can/should/will stop and yet not be annoyed when she leads him on, teases him and yet then denies him sex, is only fooling herself."
Vexer, this is totally different from your experience. It was unplanned, he teased himself because he started the touching first...You on the other hand, went to bed with your partner.
vexer: "Gosh, maybe you should follow your own sage advice about not jumping into sexual activity too soon. And yes, this IS sexual activity even if you stopped it before it went too far. You're only asking for trouble. You deserve better, purity. I just don't want to see you get hurt."
Vex, there was no sexual activity, that's what he's complaining about. Of course, I deserve better, so do you. The difference between us is your guy has now had the whole "candy store" with no agreement or understanding of exclusivity whatsoever.
Edited 4/25/2007 5:52 pm ET by purity2007
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