should I be disappointed?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
should I be disappointed?
4
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 4:47pm
After reading so many posts about Valentine's day disappointment, I thought that I'd ask about mine too. I had to work until after 9pm that night, and when I asked my guy on Sunday whether or not he wanted to come over to my place on Tues after I get off work, he thought about it and said he was thinking about doing something on Monday or Wednesday instead (we had already planned to see each other on Wed), since he needs to get up early for work (6am). He did call me Tuesday night, though, to say Happy Valentine's Day - he called at 9 something, I missed the call, called back later, but he didn't pick up. He called again at 11pm... we talked until about midnight, which got me wondering... he could've come since he didn't go to bed that early anyway... but I didn't say anything. I didn't even ask what he did that night. On Wednesday he gave me some potted roses (I already gave him his present on Saturday because I didn't know if I was going to see him on Tuesday). What do you make of that? Was it strange that he didn't want to go out on V-day? I am not sure if it was the going-to-bed-early or getting-up-early part that made him not want to come over. When we saw each other on Wed, he also said that he wouldn't be able to stay out too late. We don't see each other often on week nights - about once a week, for dinner, but we have started spending one weekend night together for a couple of weeks now. He seems pretty into me otherwise so the Valentine's day absence really got me confused. Also, I'll never know if he got me the flowers because I got him something, or if he had originally planned to (when I gave it to him, he said that I cheated by my preemptive strike :P).
J
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 5:25pm

I think you are fine. He gave you a present, he talked to you on the phone and celebrated another night, for heaven's sake! Getting out and doing something or even hanging out with someone is different than talking on the phone. With the phone, he could at least be at home, sleep in his own bed and go to sleep without having to get out and drive home. It's not strange that he didn't want to go out. V-Day is busy with diners and people going out, perhaps he wanted that to be low key and go out a night when you two didn't have to worry about all the craziness!!

I'm sorry, but I am SO frustrated with you women that have a guy that seems to be into you and you let this one freakin' day dictate so much of your relationship. It's ridiculous to put so much stock in one day if a guy is treating you well the other 364 days of the year. You are SO overthinking this. Just let it be and see how things go.

I'm sorry if you are getting the brunt of it, but of anyone, you have the least to be worried about! He did everything he should EXCEPT go out on a school night when he needed to get up early anyway which I don't see anything wrong with that!

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 5:27pm

I guess I would be wondering about why he didn't want to make plans on V-Day if he ended up staying up late that night anyway. He did get you the potted plant though. I'm honestly disillusioned about the whole holiday as well.

On some level, the message that the guy is supposed to do something extra special for his woman on V-Day should not be a hard concept to grasp. When you are dating, I think that is especially important to remember each other on the holiday. However, it amazes me that it's oftentimes the woman who makes the real effort and ends up hurt with the lack of effort on her guy's part. There are many inexpensive cards, flowers, little gift items at nearly every store several weeks before V-Day. It shouldn't take much time, effort, or even $ to get your gal a little something.

I was amazed that Jeff even mentioned to me the commercial where the guy is dressed up as cupid and shoots his wife in the butt with an arrow. He thought it was a funny commercial. Not sure what they were advertising, but the message should be clear to do something nice for your significant other. After hearing him mention that, I was all the more surprised when he got me nothing for the holiday.

I guess all we can do is try to forget and forgive them and see if they are attentive in other ways or at other times of the year. Clearly one thing is for sure, men don't think like we do. That will always be a disadvantage for most of us. :0

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 5:44pm

Hi-

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 1:05pm

Hey, thanks for all your replies. vexer and mitsy - I guess I was simply frustrated from all the inquiries I got the next day from friends: "what did you do last night with xxx?" and the explanation I had to give. I also told myself that this day is highly commercialized and that perhaps he is one of those who think that everyday could be Valentine's day. That's why I wasn't upset with him, just a little disappointed about having to stay home by myself that night. I posted my question here because I was worried, as we women do this frequently, that I was just fooling myself and looking for excuses for him. I have to admit that I am more relieved hearing voices defending him. :)

mitsy, I read your other post as well. I understand how you feel. However, from an outsider point of view, I think perhaps Jeff is just clueless and maybe felt comfortable enough with you that he didn't feel the need to "impress" anymore.

lukachu, sorry about your guy flaking out on you on the last minute. The last guy I was dating (the unreliable doctor) was like that. He'd back out on our plans the last minute because he felt too tired. If it was just one time, I could overlook but it kept happening. And a few times when he couldn't make it, he didn't even have the courtesy to call. Anyway, guys who behave like this are perhaps just too self-absorbed.

Like mitsy said, I suppose what caused our frustration was the different levels of expectations for Valentine's Day between us and the men. We're somehow conditioned to believe that if the men are interested, then they'd grasp the opportunity and show us so. And when we don't get the expected gestures from them, we start wondering if they're truly interested or not. Despite the fact that we sometimes might have higher expectations than we should, I think that in the early stages, men should be more careful about handling this day even if they don't believe that it's any more special than any other day - unless they have communicated with the women in advance that they don't believe in it. I think this shows the thoughtfulness of a man, because they should know that women in general will expect something special from their sweethearts. That said, I am pretty happy with my guy, even if I didn't get to see him on V-day. I just wanted to make sure that it wasn't some sort of sign that I overlooked or didn't want to see. Thanks, you guys were very helpful. :)