Should I bring it up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Should I bring it up?
27
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 11:59am

I suppose I know the answer to this one.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2006
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 12:05pm

I say bring it up!! If it bothers you, then you should be able to talk about it with him and see where he stands. Then, you will know, and you can determine whether you want to proceed or change anything in your relationship with him, or if you want to see other people. If you are talking to him everyday, do you really think he is seeing anyone else?

AND, have you considered that he MIGHT go on match every few days to check to see if you have been on-line!?!?! You may well both be on the same page, and are looking each other up, only to see that the other has been recently "active".

I don't think it should change anything if you bring it up. It might just clarify a lot for both of you!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 12:26pm
As you said, I think you know the best answer to the question: NO. A month is not long enough for YOU to broach the topic of being exclusive; might be different if he asked you. You will look like you are more invested than he is. If the relationship is going as well as you've said, he should be bringing it up in another month or so. If not, perhaps that's useful information.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 12:40pm

Well, you know my feeling on this one: for me (and I think most women are like this), exclusivity is something that needs to be discussed and agreed to before having sex. I don't think there are many women who can be comfortable with being intimate with a man and having him still be online looking for dates.

So I would have the talk--better late than never. And it's completely "kosher" to bring it up, IMO--if he doesn't realize how emotionally vulnerable most women are once they've had sex with someone, then he needs to learn that.

If sex weren't in the picture at this point, then I'd say no, don't bring it up yet...but sex changes everything.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 12:58pm

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Oooooh, lil Kitty, I loved your perspective on this!


And Vexer I am feeling your pain, girlfriend! This morning I logged on to see who's viewed me and guess what! The guy I've been seeing for the last month, B., was the last person who viewed my profile. Whassup widdat? So I've been checking to see how often he's on match, and it usually says 3-5 days (except now its 24 hours). What if he's doing what lil Kitty said, every few days. Mine probably says every 24 hours, 'cuz it's just a habit when I check email, I check match every morning... and he probably thinks I'm not that into him?!?


I think this weekend, we're going to another wine tasting on Friday, I will broach the subject of "are you looking for something more serious, or just casual?" That's probably the best thing I can come up with in my head... cuz I don't want him to think I'm "clingy".


Suggestions are welcome.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 3:19pm

Yeah, Sheri, I do generally agree that I prefer to be exclusive with someone before sex comes into the picture.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 5:17pm

I would be upfront about it (assuming that you feel this way)--that you're really not comfortable being sexually involved with someone without having discussed and agreed to exclusivity, that normally you would have done that before sex happened, but things didn't happen that way as he knows, and that's cool and all, but now you'd like to remedy that. I don't think saying that you're thinking of taking your profile down gets you to that place--it's too indirect.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 6:16pm
If you can talk to him about everything else, then look at this as just another topic (though I know it's a more sensitive one)... Just be straight forward about it and let him know where you're at. Ask him if he's at the same place..
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2006
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 8:22pm

I'm not trying to rock the boat or anything, but I think each situation is different.

In the past, I ignored all the 'dating rules', and my relationships blew up in my face.

Then, I followed each dating rule, and my relationships blew up in my face.

Granted, they weren't meant to be; however, I don't think each relationship is cut from the same cookie cutter. To an extent you have to do what seems logical and what works for you.

Sometimes people "just know" after one month. More than likely, it may be too soon, but no two situations are the same.

Just my thoughts. :)

Pink

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 9:13pm

northwestwanderer: "I don't think saying that you're thinking of taking your profile down gets you to that place--it's too indirect."

I ditto the above. To Vexer, I'd talk to him now, unless you don't mind him sleeping with other women while he's sleeping with you. Me, if I wanted more than a casual relationship with a man, I couldn't deal with this kind of uncertainty.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 2:27am

Okay, here's an opinion.

The Match deal isn't the problem. That's a symptom of the problem.

The *problem* is that you want to date him, and only him, and you want/hope that he wants to date you and only you. And you guys haven't agreed to that situation yet, or even talked about it (or so it sounds.)

I think that it's hard to pin down what's "too soon" in terms of changing to a mutually exclusive relationship. A week isn't long enough; sleeping with someone for several months, you should be exclusive by that point (unless it's pretty specifically a NSA, FWB kind of deal.)

A month? That's somewhere in the middle.

I'd suggest that you go ahead and talk about it, but don't make the OLD profile the center of the issue. The real issue is that you want him to date you exclusively, and that's what you need to talk about.

It's a hard talk to have if/when you're not sure that someone is going to feel the same way about you, particularly if you're already having sex, but once you're to the point where them dating others (which might well mean having sex with others) is really bothering you, then you have to have that talk.

There's not much use in worrying about "what if he says he wants to keep dating around" until/unless it happens.

Good luck and let us know how it goes. :)

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