Should've known better....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
Should've known better....
6
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 2:47pm

Hello everyone. Just wanted to share something with y’all. I’ve learned a lot about online dating over the past several weeks. I feel kind of stupid that I didn’t pick up on some warning signs before I continued to communicate with some of the guys I met online. I’m much smarter than I’ve been with some of these guys, and should’ve cut off the communication once it got weird. One situation stands out to me because, at first, I didn’t see anything wrong with the way things were going. Basically, I’d been IMing this guy for about two weeks, when he began to bare is soul about things that I should’ve seen as inappropriate. He talked about the death of his aunt who raised him, which is harmless, right? The strange part was when he went so far as to type, “just a minute…gotta wipe away the tears.” That seemed a bit strange to me, but I still chatted with him, saying that it’s okay to be emotional. Then, he began talking about his ex-girlfriend, and how he broke up with her because she gave him an ultimatum to marry her or else. Then, he began to talk about sex. Now, I don’t mind talking about sex (usually with a man that I’ve been dating for a while); however, this guy asked me what I like sexually and even came out and said that he wanted to make love to me, and he asked me how I want him to make love to me. Weird, huh? He and I had only met once and there wasn’t even much conversation when we met. We'd been communicating ONLY via IM. He didn't even seem interested in talking on the phone even after we'd met.
I regret that I engaged him in the conversation about sex because I know that had I met him the conventional way, I would’ve never called him again after that. I felt awkward, and didn’t know what to say. I definitely didn’t tell him that I wanted to be with him in that way. I asked him where that came from, since he hardly knows me and his reply was that he was just being honest. Crazy!
I realized that a guy who bares his soul to you -- who tells you too much about his ex-girlfriends or his sexual preferences, -- is being inappropriate. Of course I knew that in my gut; however, I thought to myself, “this online dating thing is a different medium, so it’s okay”. I soon realized that it’s not okay. Why would he say this to me, a stranger? Why would I need to know those things? Spilling his guts to someone he barely knows is strange and inappropriate. I just thought I’d share this with everyone out there. Some of you probably already knew this; others may be able to use the advice.

Mali

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 2:54pm

I'm glad you realized that!!! Is this the same guy who took you to the movies on your first meet and barely spoke to you?

OLD is just another way of making a connection that you wouldn't necessarily make IRL. I don't think any "different" guidelines apply, really. Inappropriate is still inappropriate!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 3:11pm
LOL!! This is that very guy! Hindsight is 20/20. I asked myself, "why would he talk to me this way? He barely knows me." You live and you learn, I guess!! Thanks for the reply!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 3:24pm

Hey, we've all been there done that and made plenty of mistakes in the OLD world!

heather 5-18-10
Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 4:21pm

I think some people who are very introverted and are unable to relate to people IRL turn to OLD and IMing to have social contact. This is very likely the only way this guy would be able to open up to you, inappropriately soon or otherwise. It sounds like you're looking for a "real" relationship, not one that lives in computerland. Good for you for seeing the difference!

Melanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 4:42pm
Hello.
I totally agree. I picked up on the fact that this guy has little to no social skills when I met him at the movie theater, and he had very little to say though he spills his guts via IM. Also, when I tried to arrange a different spot for the first meet-up since a movie isn't a place where you can get to know someone, he seemed adamant about the movie. I guess that was so he wouldn't have to say much. He also acted very strangely (e.g. he spoke so low that I could barely hear him; he didn't make eye contact; and he rushed off after the movie and didn't walk me to my car). At first, I thought that maybe he was really shy; however, I soon realized that he just lacks the ability to effectively communicate with people in person.
Thanks for your input!!
Mali
Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 6:31pm

<<< I soon realized that he just lacks the ability to effectively communicate with people in person>>>

Sounds like my ex husband - RUN!!

Melanie