Single but actually Married???

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
Single but actually Married???
17
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 6:32pm

I'm delurking to ask a question.

Have any of you had the misfortune of getting to know someone through OLD who claimed to be single or divorced, only to eventually find the person was actually MARRIED?

It seems my new "OLD Friend" is actually married (although he claims he's recently divorced). All the signs are there and I've checked our local on-line county court website and there's no sign of an LS or DV anywhere. Go figure.

Any war stories?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 9:15pm
Thanks! I went today! Now to see if he will go and if it is a good match for us! Who knows...I am blaming his mental state not him for this so maybe we can get through it! If he is willing.


Edited 12/4/2006 9:18 pm ET by rc1999
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 10:25am

Thanks for your input.

It seems my gut feeling has coincided with reality. I checked the on-line court site again and while there's no sign of a divorce decree being granted to him, I also haven't heard a peep from him since last Wednesday. It's okay though because at this juncture, I'm nearing total burnout anyway and am weary of "dating".

I have quite a few guy friends (they all live far away unfortunately) and it would be nice to have someone to maybe catch a movie or do Sunday brunch. But things are the way they are and I'm going with the flow.

I love my life, relish being single and right now, I wouldn't have it any other way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 10:43am

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

I hope you're able to work things out in a way that will benefit you and your children.

God bless you and hang in there.




Edited 12/5/2006 10:49 am ET by blessed365
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 1:42pm

That is awful that he would do that to you. I do hope that you are able to get into couples and individual counseling to work through your problems and find the best solution to your problems.

I am not saying this in any way to be mean, but just to understand. What mental state would cause him to create an online profile and then cheat on you? You don't have to say, but I guess to me, that seems like typical cheater behavior/excuses - "Oh forgive me honey, I wasn't in my right mind. I was feeling down about myself and lonely so I decided to take out a personal ad..." Umm, OK. But if that's not what it is or if you'd rather not say, I understand. I guess without context, it just seems awfully forgiving and understanding of you. Thanks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 5:13pm

He has been seen for depression, anxiety, adult add, social anxiety...Just depressed low self esteem...the whole thing is very sad! Just wish I could rewind time and somehow just help him and be there for him...Not how I pictured my life! I know I can't and I am sure I will come around quickly to moving on.




Edited 12/5/2006 10:39 pm ET by rc1999
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 7:51pm
That is very unfortunate. But there's not really much YOU can do for him when he's in that state. You didn't cause it, it comes from within. You could be the most supportive person in the world and he would still have to deal with those things himself because they come from inside him. It is very sad - I hope he can get the help he needs through counseling and medication so that you two can work on the problems this caused. IMO though, I would still work through with the counselor on whether it was his mental state or something else that caused this. I'm sure it is a combination of many things but I would imagine there are a lot of trust issues to work through too. Good luck!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2006
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 5:10pm
Yep! Happened to me this summer in fact. Well, turns out he is actually living with someone and has for many years--may as well be married. He lists himself as divorced because yeah, technically, he IS divorced. He hid behind his kids mainly his son who just moved in with him. So his unavailability was totally understand able. Getting him settled yadda, yadda, yadda. He kept inviting me over, but my dumb butt didn't want to get in the way of his kid's comfort. What gets me is that he introduced me to both his children who are well old enough to realize whats going on! That is sick!!! Don't do this infront of children!!!! Anyway, he said things would get better and he'd be more available after his son started school. School came and went and nothing changed. I had pulled away long before but now, I stopped answering his calls. In the meantime, I started doing some checking on him. Looked him up on zabasearch.com and found an address and looked up his property taxes online. Turns out...the deed is in his and a woman's name (but different last name so I wasn't sure). Also started googling his user name, email address, etc. and WOW! What information one can find! Nothing specific to his single or married status but just more questions. He started calling more regular after a month or so and I finally just stated--didn't ask--your married, which was when he admitted his living together status. I told him I appreciated his honesty and that I was only being so calm because I had already gone through the shock and awe of it. I then said goodbye. He really thought that now that I knew I would continue seeing him! HA! he is STILL trolling that dating site!! He is a predator!!!! I told him I was saying good bye and he said he would just say see you later because you never knew what the future would hold. I told him that this time, no crystal ball was needed. I wouldn't be coming back no matter the circumstance. He called the next day crying about his sadness telling me he felt like his girlfriend broke up with him. Um, no...your GIRLFRIEND didn't break up with you! It happens, its not your fault and you just have to be strong enough to move on.

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