Single parents

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Single parents
4
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 11:27pm

Do you find it easier to date others with or without kids?

Having one of my own, I had originally thought it might be easier to date folks without kids of their own, for the pure simplicity factor. One person with kids makes it a little complicated; I figured 2 people with kids would be even more so.

But I'm starting to realize that guys around my age without kids just don't get it. Ya know? You know how much your life has changed and how much you've had to reconsider your priorities... and the childless life is like a whole other alternate reality. I'm also not up for dating anyone more than 5 years older - which would be 32. A lot of them still don't seem to get it either.

There's also the fact that a lot of people without kids either don't want them, or want kids of their own. And I'm undecided about more and leaning towards not... I don't really think I could go through the whole pregnancy, birth, nursing, diapers, sleepless nights, weaning, childproofing etc all over again. And a physical issue might make it impossible anyway (though I have more followups to get through yet). And I'm wondering if I might have better chances of eventually settling down with someone who's already satisfied that urge to reproduce, kwim?

I'm surprised I actually never thought about this too much up till this past week when we started talking about that singleparentsmingle site. Because I was getting so fed up with looking at oodles of yahoo profiles only to find that the vast majority of them list, under "my match", have kids - no. Or: no, yes-not at home, yes-at home part time. Bzzt - doesn't work for me, I am full time. Fine, I respect that everyone has their preferences. But you know what I'm saying, the situation severly reduces my odds of meeting people. I guess it weeds out the ones who would waste my time, so that's kinda good in its way, but still anything that makes it harder kinda sucks.

So I'm not sure what my question is exactly... I guess, how much more complicated is it for 2 single parents dating each other? What kind of issues have you seen arise that I might want to look out for? Input from anyone with or without kids is welcome to throw their two cents in, I appreciate anyone's perspective.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 11:47pm

Hi Phoenixmama -

I find it much, much easier to date men who have kids. They understand the demands and joys of parenting so much better than someone who doesn't have kids. I've found that men who don't either want kids of their own (I don't want anymore, so that's out!), or they just aren't "kid people". That's just my experience, of course.

On the down side, when you both have kids, it can be hard to schedule time together, especially if you have the kids on opposite weekends!! Since you have your kids all the time, it must be especially tough - are you ever tempted to have someone meet your kids before the time is "right"? I've fallen prey to this a couple of times...a mistake I will do my absolute best to never make again!

Also, my daughter would never forgive me if I ended up with someone who couldn't give her a couple step-siblings to play with!

Robyn

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 12:40am

Well, my kids are grown, 21 and 25, and I am 45. I do not plan to have anymore children, yet I love children very much and they are very drawn to me.

My experience has been that guys without kids, affords more time between the two of us. Yet if they are somewhat younger than me, as seems to be the age range that I date mostly and am with now (37), there is a possibility that they may still want kids, which I am not willing to provide for them - for health reason risks being higher at my age (even though I am a very healthy person) and just not wanting to start a baby from scratch and raising it up anymore...been there and served my time!!!

One guy (36) who didn't have children actually suggested after a few dates that we could get a surrogate to carry our embryo so I wouldn't have to carry it in my body and take any health risks. I was like - ah you still have to raise the child! So needless to say we were on different pages anyway - but I knew it wasn't working anyway! Next!

I have dated guys with kids and it is ok. Yet the every other weekend thing isn't the greatest as I don't want to get involved with other people's children, unless I were to be in an exclusive relationship that was going somewhere with their dad. Kids are so vulnerable and I wouldn't want them to get attached to me and then just have me wisked out of their lives one day with no warning. So if a guy wants me to meet his kids right away I explain my reasoning to him for waiting.

So I guess as a lady who has grown children, I prefer the guys who have either grown children or no children, yet if I really fell for a guy with children, I wouldn't let his kids stop me. I would love them and accept them and help him to raise them if we were to stay together. Although I have seem some grown adult children who really control their parents and that is a red flag for me also and the types I also - "next"!

I have divorced friends who have young children and when they are seeing a guy, they try to switch their weekends with their ex so that they have their kids the same weekend their bf has his. But not all ex's are willing to trade weekends, but if you offer to have the kids two weekends in a row, they'll usually agree to it. I feel that a guy who has children of his own is much more understanding of kids and the things that can go wrong at the last minute to upset dates and that (flu, fever, unplanned occurances, etc.) an may be easier to date as far as the understanding thing goes for ladies with kids at home. Just more compassionate and experienced with raising kids.

My divorced daughter is dating a guy a few years older than herself who has never been married and has no kids. He is doing well at getting to know my 3 y/o grandson, but I can see frustration in his eyes many times when my very stubborn grandson does something that the guy doesn't agree with or understand since he has never raised a child of his own.

The thing though that this guy has going for him, is that he has a brother 12 years younger than himself, who he did alot with and took places, so he knows kind of how younger kids can be. But I can see it is going to be a challenge for everyone to adjust. They have been seeing eachother about 6 months now and she only let the guy start coming around her son about a month or so now.

So I guess there are exceptions to every rule and you just have to play it by ear and see how compassionate the guy is with children. My grandson really likes the guy I am seeing now and usually doesn't like any new people, so it was kind of funny! But the guy I am seeing talked nicely to him and showed interest in his trains, so even though he has no kids of his own, he is good with kids from what I have seen so far.

Oh also, the guy I am seeing and I, have had the talk about if he wants to have kids and he says that he is past that and doesn't want to have them, because I figured that if he wanted to have any, then there was no reason for us to continue with a relationship. So so far so good, we'll see....

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 5:35am

I've been trying to focus on people with kids in the same general range as mine. I found that many times women with grown kids are ready to move to another stage in their life.

One problem I am encountering is finding someone with kids that are similar ages. Seems most Women hang in there until their kids are in the 10 to 16 year old range.

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 10:24am

>>are you ever tempted to have someone meet your kids before the time is "right"?

Of course... with my last serious bf it wasn't an issue I even thought about because my son was 5 months old and was with me the night I met the guy at a friend's house. And we spent a lot of time together, most of it just hanging out at one of our apts with the kiddo in tow. That's just how it was and seemed perfectly natural at the time. But then of course it was hard when we split because they had grown fairly close over almost 4 years. No way will I let that happen again - a) having involvement with the kid so early on and b) staying so long in a r'ship that is obviously not going anywhere.

So I'm trying to filter out the guys who are clearly not ready for real r'ships right off the bat & not get involved with them in the first place. I'm not sure when the time is "right" to have a new bf meet my son, but I guess it's when I have some sense of whether there is marriage potential.

>>I don't want to get involved with other people's children, unless I were to be in an exclusive relationship that was going somewhere with their dad.

Exactly. But it'll also make it hard to spend much time with anyone when we both have to arrange for babysitters all the time. All the more reason I guess to make the most of every date, to really make it quality get-to-know-each-other time.

>>One problem I am encountering is finding someone with kids that are similar ages.

Yeah, I'd prefer someone with similar age kids too, AND with their age close to mine, so we're all in kind of similar life stages. Tricky, isn't it.

I found Mr. Perfect-on-paper yesterday & sent a message including my email address & I'm really hoping he writes back. (I'm trying not to think about it but I kinda can't help it at the moment!) I'm 27, he's 28, my son is 4-1/2, based on pics his kids look around 3 & 6. He seems to fit all my basic preferences on height/body type, religious & political leanings, wanting a long-term possibly permanent relationship... and did I mention he is just ridiculously gorgeous? He lives about 20-30 minutes away, which is further than ideal but totally doable.

Ah, that eternal question of whether the interest will be mutual...