A slight setback in our plans

Avatar for neatdesign
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
A slight setback in our plans
9
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 10:53pm
Today, after a VERY long discussion and a lot of crying, Mark and I decided to postpone his arrival to the States for a month. That means postponing our wedding, too.

We've been in the process of getting him a visa to come over here for 5 months now. For 5 months, Mark's known that he will be leaving England, and that he has to prepare for that. For 5 months, we've been planning on him arriving in the States on May 1st.

This past Monday he finally got his visa -- the green light for him to finally come back to me. But he hasn't really done much over the past several months to get ready for the move, and has found himself unprepared to do everything he needs to do in order to leave by May 1st. I've been trying to motivate him as best I can to get things organized, sort his things to pack, etc. But there's only so much I can do and say; he's still feeling overwhelmed. So he finally admitted to me today that he thought it would be better altogether if we postponed his arrival by a few weeks.

My feelings on this are very mixed. On the one hand, I can see the benefits of waiting a bit longer. Mark's leaving everyone and everything he's ever known to be with me. That's a lot to say goodbye to in just 5 weeks, not including all the other practical things he has to do as well. It gives him a bit more time to work and save up money before he comes over; he won't be able to work here for a couple of months at least. I also have more time to prepare for his arrival, as well as plan something for our wedding. (We didn't have any concrete plans at all, just that it would happen the first week he was here.)

However, I'm also very sad, angry, and frustrated. Sad because I have already been separated from Mark for 3 months. We only had a month to go, and now that wait time has just doubled on me. Angry because he's wasted the past 4+ months by not preparing for his inevitable move. If he'd been doing a little bit every day or so, he'd be able to get here May 1st, no problem. But he did hardly anything, and now I have to sit here for an additional month, alone, because of it.

And frustrated because I wish he had mentioned his hesitation about our plans earlier. On Tuesday, the day after he got his visa, I submitted a vacation request. I just started a new job and technically can't request time off, because my probationary period isn't up yet. Not only that, but because there were no available slots left in the vacation system, two managers had to override the system to approve my request. Now, just 4 days later, I have to ask for new dates -- dates I'm not even sure I can get time off for. I'm very scared that I won't be permitted to have time off work to get married and celebrate for a few days.

*sigh*.... Well, there's nothing I can do about it now. I have to ask for new days off, and I'm hoping to god that something is available, that my managers will accommodate our change in plans. The light that was getting so bright at the end of this long tunnel we've been going through has just gotten smaller and dimmer. My heart aches because I have to go for several more weeks without him.

Sorry for the rant. I just needed to get this out. All the happiness I had earlier this week, when Mark got his visa, feels dashed now. I don't know how to feel about it anymore...

~ Neat











Avatar for linds8300
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 12:09am
Aww sweetie, big hugs. I know this is hard for you, it must be horrible knowing that he was going to be here and now knowing you have to wait. But just think of it this way, when he DOES get to you it'll be that much more sweeter, and you'll finally be together forever...even though its hard to wait that extra month it'll totally be worth it in the end, just have faith in each other! I would think that your job will be flexible...I mean you ARE getting married for goodness sakes! If they don't let you have off they're just a bunch of mean people. Don't worry, everything will work out and you and Mark will be in each others arms for good...just keep thinking about that and time will fly!

<3 Lindsay

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 11:32am
Oh, Neat. I am so sorry sweetie. I know you are sad about that. I know you are mad about as well. Well, just deal with it the best way you can. He will be there. At least you know he IS coming now. There is a light, its just alittle bit farther down the tunnell is all. Hang in there babe. It will work out. Just keep that head up. Goodluck and lots of hugs for you.

Gail
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 1:42pm
Neat-

I am so sorry things didn't work out as planned. And I can understand your frustration and anger because he DID have five months to prepare for all of this, and it sounds like you are taking on additional stress because of the change in plans.

I don't know if you've been married before. I have. And I think, based on my experience, that delaying a wedding is never a bad thing. It'll give you both more time to think and reflect on each other, and more time to be sure you are making the right decision.

I hope it all turns out for the best, and I will be thinking positive thoughts for you.



HS

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 3:42pm
Neat,

Now is the time to force, force force yourself to gather up all your resolve, all the good stuff that has happened for you and for you and Mark since you met - what a whirlwind it's been - and focus on that. You're a wise lady - you know that you are his fiancee, not his mother, and that you can't nag him about getting ready to move - he's a big boy - and of course the big boy who proposed to you and who has joined you in this looooongggg journey of paperwork, interviews and plans. Whew!!! Your instinct is to "go to him" to reassure him - to play his therapist, in a sense. IMHO - resist that impulse - back off from the issue, give him space, and avoid focusing on the concrete annoyances as a mask for facing the underlying issues - such as "did you pack this/buy this/make that appointment" - let his fingers do the walking, let him make all those appointments - if in a month he still isn't ready, you can then re-visit why that is and what can be done - but for now, I hope you don't mind my two cents - be there for him but give him a really wide berth on anything to do with wedding plans, marriage, packing, etc. - he has always, always come through for you - yes? So trust that he will this time and that one month is blip on the radar of happiness - I know you can do this. Good luck.
Avatar for crystalgirl32
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 6:27pm
I am so sorry you have to wait to be together.I wish I knew what to say to help you feel better,but rant and rave anytime,We are here for you if you need us,Big Hug,Crystal
Avatar for singlemom224
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 9:11pm
So sorry to hear about this, that really just sucks!

I have no idea what else to say, I cannot imagine what you must be going through .. but I do feel for ya.

~Stephanie

Avatar for neatdesign
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 8:15am
I know it's been a few days, but I wanted to thank all of you for being so kind and supportive. I have read all of your posts and just knowing there are people out there who understand helps so much.

Things have gotten better since I first posted. I was able to talk to my manager about changing my vacation dates; she didn't even hesitate to give me the new dates I asked for. That took A LOT of the pressure off!!

So our new plan is for Mark to arrive May 29, and get married sometime during the first week in June. He gets paid today so hopefully he'll reserve his ticket in the next day or two. I'm going to be SO PSYCHED when he tells me he's got his plane ticket!! (And a one-way ticket, at that!)

Being able to cool down about this over the past few days has allowed me time to put things into perspective. I reminded myself of how lucky I am. At least I know Mark is going to be here, and on what date. There are so many people out there separated from their loved ones, with no reunion in sight, who would love to be able to say, "Only two months to go!" Given our circumstances, it's frustrating to go from one month to two months; but better two months than 6 months, or a year, or more. When I think of it that way, it makes things much, much easier to accept.

Not only that, but I know giving Mark that extra time he needs is going to benefit both of us in the long run. And so I have no problem doing that.

Anyway, sorry to go on and on.... Just wanted you all to know that things are better, they're looking up, and that light at the end of this tunnel is getting ever brighter every day. :)

~ Neat

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 1:42pm
Neat--I'm sorry to read about your situation! I have been reading your updates as they've come along and when I saw Mark was finally coming, I was so happy for you... I wish it had stayed that way but I know things will work out in the long run, it might just take a little longer than you had planned on :o) I don't really have any words of wisdom but I do hope that you are doing well and adjusting to the idea he's still coming, just not as soon as you had hoped :o)

Amanda :o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Fri, 04-18-2003 - 10:15pm
Hi I wanted to introduce myelf, im 24 and my name is sheila. i also met my fiancee from englnd about 6monthes ago. ( man thats werid) anyway i jus got backfrom england, 1 week ago and m so lonely. i know how you feel, but he will be here in june with me, so i can't omplain. The last 6 monthes have been so hard, I have seem him a total of 2 times in 6 monthes. Sounds like you understand. Anyway he is coming on a visit visa, and w eare marrying in novemember. What is mark coming over on?? anyway, if you want to chat email me at outgoing1978@ yahoo. com