so confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
so confused
6
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 6:06pm
I've been dating this guy I met online for a couple months although we've only had about 10 dates. I really like this guy. We get along great, seem to fit well together. He has all the important qualities that I'm looking for which is pretty exciting to find a guy like this. Well, we have NOT had sex yet, but we've messed around a lot. I'm so confused by some comments he has made on a few occasions. Several times I am in the middle of telling him something all energetically and he will just come at me and kiss me out of no where...lol...it's really sweet and it catches me off guard to where i just give him a little peck and then finish what i was saying. well, he mentioned that he doesn't feel like he can initiate anything with me like i am about control or something. that is not true about me (I don't think). I don't want him to think I am all about control. I genuinely just want to finish what I am saying and then get around to kissing or whatever...but I could see how it appears that I have to initiate anything sexual with him for us to actually DO anything. It is true that I push him away, but it isn't conscious. I admit I am a little nervous about getting into an extremely sexual relationship. It's been like 6 months since I've had sex and I don't know, I wonder if I can keep my cool and not get attached after sex. Does this equate to control?? Does what he's saying make sense? I want to do things when I'm ready, though. Another thing is that I am more willing to do sexual things for him than be on the receiving end. I find it hard to just let go because that means I might get attached to him. Geez, does this mean I am "afraid of intimacy"? Ack! Hmmm...okay, maybe this is getting off-topic for this board. Any advice? Thanks!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
In reply to: chanadevorah
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 6:15pm

Have you tried talking to him about how you feel? If he is as great as you say he is he will understand and will wait until you are ready. Explain to him where you are coming from. As for the fear of intimacy...knowing yourself and knowing you get more attached after having sex (which is completely normal) maybe it isn't so much a fear of intimacy as it is a fear of getting hurt in the long run??? Just a thought...

I was in a similar situation with a guy I met online and I just thought he would figure things out with hints I was throwing his way. Communication was a component that was missing from our relationship!! I have learned from that and am trying to be more open in relationships! I think COMMUNICATION it is KEY!! Good luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
In reply to: chanadevorah
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 6:28pm

You know, every time a guy ever said to me that he thinks I have to control things, what he's really meant is that he wants to control things and I don't always let him.

Now that he has mentioned that he doesn't like it when you don't drop everything and kiss him back, you can make a point of dropping everything HALF the time. But don't do it always.

As for "fear of intimacy," I think it is very reasonable to be afraid of losing your objectivity and that it isn't intimacy you fear but your own emotions.

Talking with him will probably help, but keep in mind that he is asking for something (more sense that you will follow his lead, I think) not just explaining how he feels.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
In reply to: chanadevorah
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 6:31pm

Thanks. Yes, I've talked to him about how I feel and he said he could wait to have sex for a very long time. I don't plan on making him wait a long time, though! I *want* to have sex, I'm just afraid, yes, of getting hurt. I'm confused because it's apparent that despite what he says about ability to wait, he can't help but feel that if I am not letting him initiate and do what he wants, then I am controlling the situation. There's definitely sexual chemistry between he and I...I just don't want to be manipulated by him however conscious it is. Is his mentioning this control thing disrespectful?? Is he really pressuring me intentionally? I can respect how he feels, too.

I'm seeing him tonight. Maybe I should just let him initiate and let it happen. I don't want a damper put on the relationship. I want the relationship to continue to move forward. Maybe it's time to just do it already

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
In reply to: chanadevorah
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 6:39pm
Well obviously in the end it is your decision, but I know if it was me..I wouldn't just give in because I don't want to put a damper on our relationship...my theory is if it is meant to be it will be! Don't put your feelings aside just to keep him....if he can't respect you and what your feeling he isn't worth it...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
In reply to: chanadevorah
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 2:07am

I don't know girl but honestly, all the times the guys have thrown out that I have a control issue were all the time they were trying to have sex and basically make me second guess myself. The guys who were worried about me and who I am/was didn't even bring this up nor make me feel bad for waiting. So personally,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
In reply to: chanadevorah
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 10:02am
Yeah, I thought about it some more and am not going to have sex until I'm ready-period. Last night he and I hung out for a couple hours and watched a movie. He didn't try anything except cuddling with me, so that's good. He really is a sweet guy and I think the relationship can still progress for a while without sex. I think he was testing me before, but now he understands that I will when I'm ready...everything in time.