So Sad

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
So Sad
34
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 11:12am
I went on the coffee date this past Saturday with a guy I met online from my area. I have previously posted a message about him. He is very shy but he seemed like a really nice guy and we seemed to have a lot in common. Well, we met and talked off and on for 2 hours at a coffee shop. I say off and on because there were some lulls in the conversation because he has a hard time coming up with things to say. We did talk about quite a bit though and laughed some. It seemed to have gone well, to me anyway. He told me that he already met someone in person from online a few months ago but it didn't work out. He asked if I wanted a drive home so I said yes. The drive was a short one and it was pretty quiet. Before I got out, I thanked him for the coffee but never said anything else, probably should've though.
Anyway, the next day I called him because I was anxious to see how he thought it went. I asked him how he felt about me but he didn't say anything. Remember he is shy. I then asked him if he wanted to get together again, maybe this weekend to do something and he said he did and asked me if I did and I said, "yeah I do". I was a little nervous asking him this so I just told him he could call me sometime this week and we could make plans for the weekend. That was Sunday, it's now Wednesday and I haven't heard back from him at all. I don't know what to do now. He stressed that he was an honest person and extremely trustworthy and that's how I took him to be also. What would be the right thing to do? Would e-mailing him be wrong or phoning again? I just don't understand why he's doing this. He didn't seem to be that type of person at all.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
In reply to: kathy748
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 11:19am

If you want to be the one to do all the pursuing, go ahead and contact him again.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
In reply to: kathy748
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 11:19am

I don’t care how shy a man is if he’s into you he’ll pursue you.

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: kathy748
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 11:25am
I think sometimes men don't call because they don't want to seem too eager. But this is ridiculous -- you're having to drag him along every step of the way. I don't know...I've gotten to the point in my life where if someone's that much of a struggle, they aren't worth it. I know there are a lot of really nice guys out there who are just shy, but do you really want your relationship to be this way? I like a guy who takes charge, who speaks up, but I'm willing to settle for someone who at least helps me out a little and this guy just isn't doing that at all. The big question is, is he just a really timid person or is it that he just isn't all that into you? I think I'd e-mail and ask if we were still getting together this weekend and see where it goes from there. But I definitely wouldn't keep forcing things if he's all that resistant.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
In reply to: kathy748
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 11:46am

I'm sorry that he seems to be ghosting, but I gotta say, "Welcome to the world of online dating!". It sucks when this happens, but it doesn't make him a bad or dishonest person because he ghosted. A little inconsiderate maybe, but a lot of people ghost after first meets. I've had a couple where I thought they went well while I was there, but I would go home and think about it and decide that it didn't really go as well as I thought it had. Maybe that is what he did. I agree with SP in that he might be shy but if he had a good time and wants to go out with you again, he'll call.

Unfortunately, I think the fact that he couldn't say how he felt about you is probably not a good sign. He might have felt put on the spot and not able to come up with an answer but you would think if he really liked you that he could say that no matter how shy he is. Lastly, when you ask someone if they'd like to go out again, they again can feel put on the spot and so they just say "yeah, sure sounds good!" but don't really have any intention of following through - kind of the "easy letdown" approach. Have you ever seen that Friends where Chandler is dating Rachel's boss and even tho he really doesn't want to see her again, he keeps saying "Thanks, I had fun. I'll call ya!" Same kind of thing - just habit or easier to say it than to say no. But the ball's in his court now. Leave it there unless he hits it back by calling and asking you out.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
In reply to: kathy748
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 12:04pm

I would not do anything else unless of course you'd like to give him another chance to reject you. I don't think you can read his mind as to why he isn't responding.

Red Flags:

#1: I thanked him for the coffee but never said anything else, probably should've though.

#2: I asked him how he felt about me but he didn't say anything.

#3: I was a little nervous asking him this so I just told him he could call me sometime this week and we could make plans for the weekend. That was Sunday, it's now Wednesday and I haven't heard back from him at all.

#4: He stressed that he was an honest person and extremely trustworthy and that's how I took him to be also.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
In reply to: kathy748
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 12:20pm
I just wonder, is it a general tendency of many men that they don't respond and make women frustrated?? I feel like I've seen this type of posts a lot here! LOL :D
Unless it was like "spark instantly going around" or "full of rejecting mood", I wouldn't analyze too much about his behavior. He's shy, he's slow to know what he's thinking, he's not quite sure yes or no.. you can think about a bunch of reasons. I'd just call this time. - but don't do this all the time. My ex BF I met online was sooooo slow and I initiated in the beginning, but he eventually started calling me and emailing me after a few months. Who knows, this guy may be nervous.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
In reply to: kathy748
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 1:34pm
IMO, HJNTIY
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
In reply to: kathy748
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 5:45am
I'm thinking of calling him tonight and leaving a message on his machine since he's working. I'm still iffy about this but I so want to know what he's thinking and if he's just slow at getting this going. I'm still thinking about him a lot and I want to stop if he's not interested but it's not easy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
In reply to: kathy748
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 7:15am
1. Stop
2. He's not interested
3. I expect you to ignore this advice
4. I expect to maybe read a followup message in a week about how the advice here was right
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2004
In reply to: kathy748
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 8:25am

<< I just wonder, is it a general tendency of many men that they don't respond and make women frustrated?? I feel like I've seen this type of posts a lot here! LOL :D >>

I wouldn't disagree with this at all -- but I think one reason this particular type of post tends to appear a lot is that we have more women than men on this board, therefore that POV is voiced more often. I honestly do think it happens to men at least close to as often. It certainly has happened to me as well. Vexer was right when she said it's just one of those unpleasant aspect of OLD. It never really gets any easier to deal with, I think you just come to expect it more often and then it's not so much of a shock.

Eric

Pages