So Sad

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
So Sad
34
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 11:12am
I went on the coffee date this past Saturday with a guy I met online from my area. I have previously posted a message about him. He is very shy but he seemed like a really nice guy and we seemed to have a lot in common. Well, we met and talked off and on for 2 hours at a coffee shop. I say off and on because there were some lulls in the conversation because he has a hard time coming up with things to say. We did talk about quite a bit though and laughed some. It seemed to have gone well, to me anyway. He told me that he already met someone in person from online a few months ago but it didn't work out. He asked if I wanted a drive home so I said yes. The drive was a short one and it was pretty quiet. Before I got out, I thanked him for the coffee but never said anything else, probably should've though.
Anyway, the next day I called him because I was anxious to see how he thought it went. I asked him how he felt about me but he didn't say anything. Remember he is shy. I then asked him if he wanted to get together again, maybe this weekend to do something and he said he did and asked me if I did and I said, "yeah I do". I was a little nervous asking him this so I just told him he could call me sometime this week and we could make plans for the weekend. That was Sunday, it's now Wednesday and I haven't heard back from him at all. I don't know what to do now. He stressed that he was an honest person and extremely trustworthy and that's how I took him to be also. What would be the right thing to do? Would e-mailing him be wrong or phoning again? I just don't understand why he's doing this. He didn't seem to be that type of person at all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
In reply to: kathy748
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 9:44am

I had that same thought about it just being many more women out there than men on this board. I don't think that this situation is specifically something men do just to mess with women or frustrate them, I think we just hear about it more out here because 1) more women are out here talking and 2) I think that we're all less likely to admit that from time to time we might have done it ourselves (he he). I'll admit to ghosting after a few emails or even after one date, but on all the dates where I ghosted, it was pretty obvious that there was no chemistry so I never heard from the guy again either.

I think as women, we tend to get much more emotionally invested from the get go. A date goes well and we get excited and anticipate another one. For a guy, even tho the date went well, he may not think it went well enough to consider a second date.

lg was right on. I hope you didn't call but if you did, I hope he calls back and gives you the answers you want. But I doubt he will call and even so, it probably won't be the news you want to hear. Good luck!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
In reply to: kathy748
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 11:08am
I hate this. I still want to talk to him so bad and these boards don't help much at all. Some people say I should call him and others say not to. I'm going to go crazy with all of this! I still feel so very, very bad. I don't know what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: kathy748
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 11:22am
There's a basic rule of dating that applies both online and in the real world. Men like to pursue. This may be controversial to say in this day and age, but I don't care. If you pursue him you're going to set the tone for the entire relationship. If you sit back and let the man come after you, in the long run you'll both be happier. That doesn't mean you can't let a man know you're interested. Flirt, give him a certain look (obviously that only works in real life!), men know when they're getting the signal to proceed. But the point is that you have to let him proceed. Don't go chasing after him. I guess it's all in what you want. If you want someone you had to drag kicking and screaming into a relationship with you then by all means, start dragging. I personally would prefer someone who can't seem to get me out of his head. Who WANTS to call me dependably and often. Two books you might try reading: "He's Just Not That Into You" and "Mars and Venus on a Date." They've been very helpful to me. I'd rather be single and have my dignity and pride intact than to be in a relationship that I lose my entire identity in. In other words, GET SOME PRIDE. You'll be much happier about it in the long run.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
In reply to: kathy748
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 11:29am

Am I missing something here? You had one meeting- you had coffee for two hours where there were obvious lulls in the conversation which he really made no effort to fill. When he dropped you off he made no mention of another date and all other futile attempts on your part to set up another date have been rebuffed. Why is it you want to talk to this guy soooo bad? Why is this hurting you "very very bad"?

You don't know this man. Why have you become so attached to him this early on?

Now if you are new to OLD, maybe this is just your hurt ego talking. But like the other posters have mentioned, this is common in OLD. He just isn't that excited about you (for whatever reasons) and he isn't mature enough to tell you it just isn't a match. In order to OLD and not get hurt everytime there is an unanswered email or someone isn't interested in you, you have to STOP wondering "why". It's their loss if they aren't interested in you. Every person has their own likes/dislikes/hang ups for what they are looking for, don't blame or fault a person because you don't fit into what they like. Accept that it's not a match and move forward.

I'm sorry you are hurting right now. Try putting your emotions aside and looking at the big picture. Stop calling him, emailing him, thinking about him. Move on. Spend your energy on someone who WANTS to get to know YOU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
In reply to: kathy748
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 12:28pm
Thanks for the advice. I'm through with online dating now. It's just not for me. I'll look for someone the old fashioned way. Hopefully that will work out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
In reply to: kathy748
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 12:37pm

As amjay recently said about something: "Been there, done that, have a whole drawer full of T-shirts."

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
In reply to: kathy748
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 12:59pm

Just so you know, this same thing could happen when you meet someone the "old-fashioned way," too.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
In reply to: kathy748
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 1:14pm
I know it can happen the old fashioned way too. It's just a different way to go about it for me, anyway. I'm glad you told you're story. You sound so much like me. I was seriously thinking of calling him again but I'd probably be more hurt if I did and he didn't get back to me again. I'm just so baffled by the whole thing because like I said, he definitely didn't seem like that type. He was so shy and quiet and I thought he liked me but oh well. We did so well talking on the phone, even though there were lulls in the conversation there too but I was willing to overlook that. He could have changed. I do wish this never happened but I guess there's nothing to do about it now but to try to forget it as best as I can.


Edited 3/31/2005 2:21 pm ET ET by kathy748
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2004
In reply to: kathy748
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 1:37pm

Wow, CGUN -- that story hit very close to home for me. Thanks for sharing it. I think those type experiences are good for newbies to hear also, because they can begin to realize how often that happens on OLD.

My second-ever online date was like that. A woman contacted me on Match and we began having phone conversations soon after. I was amazed at all that we had in common and how well we seemed to "mesh" while talking. We set a date (she lived two hours away), and she even mentioned some stuff we could do "on our next date". Looking back it's easy to see that she had inflated expectations also.

We met and had a very nice date. Just went out to eat dinner at a nice restaurant and then went back to her place and talked for a couple of hours. I was smitten by her -- she was very attractive, sweet, and smart. I remember thinking how I couldn't wait to go out with her again. Everything seemed to go well and when I left I asked if she would like to go out again sometime soon. She said certainly.

I called her the the next morning (Sunday), and we had a brief conversation. She said plans for a date the next weekend were uncertain because her mom was in town, but she would let me know. I would never have any communication with her again after this conversation.

I tried calling her Monday night and got no answer, but didn't think it a big deal. I tried calling again Tuesday night, but again no answer. This time I left a quick message. I didn't call Wednesday but by then I was really stressing about things. I already had the feeling I was being ignored by her. I realized any more calls would appear stalker-like, but I wasn't willing to give up yet, so I called again Thursday night. No answer, of course. So, I leave a message oficially asking her out for the next weekend if she is available. I tell her she can call me and let me know if this would work or not.

That next week was so depressing for me. Like CGUN, I still held out hope for some reason that she might have been busy and call me, but it didn't happen. OMG, it did hurt bad. It was just that terrible sting of rejection.

I have been back to see her profile a couple of times since then, only to see if she was still online. It just made it worse to see that yes, she was still online, and yes, she was still active. It was easier to tell myself that she had gotten back with an ex.

Look, OLD is not for everyone. I'm taking a break right now myself. But, in every bad experience there is something to be learned, and you just have to move on and stay positive.

Good luck. :-)

Eric

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
In reply to: kathy748
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 2:23pm

CGUN and eric - both of your stories are awesome! Thanks for sharing that with newbies and us long-termers alike! I was like you at the beginning too. I had a similar story of a guy that seemed so into me - we chatted for hours and talked about everything. He told me to call him when I got back from a trip I was taking so that we could plan when to get together. I emailed him once while I was gone... nothing. I emailed him again when I got home... nothing. So I had a glass of wine one night and got my courage up to call him and tell him that we would never know if we had any chemistry until we actually met so why didn't we meet so that we could see? All I got from that was he closed me on eHarmony saying he was "pursuing another relationship". In the 4 days I was gone he went from digging me to pursuing another relationship? I don't think so. He just changed his mind. But I made myself miserable over this guy I didn't even know! I cried, I wondered what was wrong with me, I considered sending an email saying that if his other relationship didn't work out to give me a shout and we could try again. I didn't tho. You know why? Because I found this board and everyone convinced me that it would do no good and that I was making myself crazy for nothing over a guy that I didn't know and wasn't worth it!!

So kathy, most everyone out her has said to NOT call him with a couple of dissenters. Go with the majority. I know it is tough, but do whatever you have to do to NOT call! Hide your phone, keep busy - read, go to a movie, work out, go out with friends... Also, don't give up on OLD because of one experience like this. Yes, OLD is not for everyone. I used to take every rejection personally but I have developed a much tougher skin over the last few months and learned that if they don't want to go out with me, big deal! If they don't want me, I don't want them either!

And also, I want to reiterate that there is no "type" of person that ghosts like this. Someone is not a bad person because they do. It happens over and over in OLD. I have had tons ghost on me and I have ghosted on a few too. The guys that have ghosted on me mostly seemed like great, sweet guys. That doesn't mean they are not because they didn't like ME. It just means that they felt that we were not compatible and I am sure I am better off without them anyway. But it doesn't make someone bad because they are afraid to reject you - most people hate doing the "brush off" and are cowardly about it so they just drift off so that maybe you'll start disliking them and decide to blow them off. As CGUN said, it is not specific to OLD - it happens in real life all the time too. Most people don't like confrontation or are afraid that if they do try to tell you this that you might try to talk them out of it and it will be a painful experience so they prefer to just let it go. Frustrating yes, but very true. If you are not cut out for OLD, that is understandable, but don't give up because of something that happens every day.

You are better off without this guy that couldn't give you a straight answer and couldn't make conversation with you. Lulls in conversation are expected but if they keep going, they get to be awkward. There is someone out there better suited for you.

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