So Sad

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
So Sad
34
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 11:12am
I went on the coffee date this past Saturday with a guy I met online from my area. I have previously posted a message about him. He is very shy but he seemed like a really nice guy and we seemed to have a lot in common. Well, we met and talked off and on for 2 hours at a coffee shop. I say off and on because there were some lulls in the conversation because he has a hard time coming up with things to say. We did talk about quite a bit though and laughed some. It seemed to have gone well, to me anyway. He told me that he already met someone in person from online a few months ago but it didn't work out. He asked if I wanted a drive home so I said yes. The drive was a short one and it was pretty quiet. Before I got out, I thanked him for the coffee but never said anything else, probably should've though.
Anyway, the next day I called him because I was anxious to see how he thought it went. I asked him how he felt about me but he didn't say anything. Remember he is shy. I then asked him if he wanted to get together again, maybe this weekend to do something and he said he did and asked me if I did and I said, "yeah I do". I was a little nervous asking him this so I just told him he could call me sometime this week and we could make plans for the weekend. That was Sunday, it's now Wednesday and I haven't heard back from him at all. I don't know what to do now. He stressed that he was an honest person and extremely trustworthy and that's how I took him to be also. What would be the right thing to do? Would e-mailing him be wrong or phoning again? I just don't understand why he's doing this. He didn't seem to be that type of person at all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: kathy748
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 2:26pm

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You've mentioned that several times and I don't get it. What is THAT type? The type who is too kind to just come out and say, "Look, I just am not feeling it?" The only way he wouldn't hurt your feelings here is to ask you out again and genuinely want to go. If he called you and said, "I'm not interested," that's going to sting. If he ignores you, that's going to sting. Have you never been out with someone you wanted to feel something for but didn't? Was there any way to let him know that without hurting him? It's not dishonest or cruel and it doesn't make someone "that" type of person. It's just the nature of the beast. It's especially hard on here. If you go to a bar and see someone, you strike up a conversation and you know immediately whether there's chemistry or not. Online, you see a picture that's probably fuzzy and looks nothing like the person, you share a few e-mails, maybe a phone conversation or two, THEN you meet. By then you've invested all this emotional energy into thinking things are going to be one way or another and that is why you're disappointed. That's my take on it anyway. You're probably a very beautiful person with lots to give to a relationship and it's his loss that it didn't work out. Maybe he's stupid for letting you go... Maybe he really liked you but he decided he's not ready to date at all right now. If that's the case, there's nothing you can do about it. He has to work on his own path and you have to work on yours. Go out there and find someone else. There are plenty of fish out there...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
In reply to: kathy748
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 4:44pm

Oh, yeah, I can tell a story about being the one to try to talk someone out of breaking up with me, too!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
In reply to: kathy748
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 9:20pm

Hi Kathy,

I'm not going to reiterate what everyone else here has said. But I do want to point out 2 things I've noticed in the time you've posted.

1) You said you were confused about what to do. I want to urge you to trust your instincts. Your instincts told you that something wasn't right. Listen to them. Trust your guts and hear them--they usually will not steer you wrong.

2) I noticed you said "He could have changed." WARNING! No, he won't change. Yes, people are nervous upon first meetings, people need to be comfy. But if after a few phone calls and a meeting, and he's still acting the same? That may just be who he is. NEVER think a man (or woman) will change over time. People are who they are. Period.

3) (I cheated... I'm going to add one more here.) PLEASE start seeing you for the beautiful woman you are. I remember reading an email that reminded me that the man or woman who is worth your tears will never make you cry. So that's what I leave with you. Anyone who is worth you fretting over will not give you reason to worry about them.

Big hugs... don't leave OLD... just learn from this experience and let it work for you. There's good and bad in everything. As my mother used to say "You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet the handsome prince." :)

Good luck and keep us posted.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
In reply to: kathy748
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 2:59am
I'm really bewildered by the fact that you're getting so upset over someone you've met only for 2 hours. And it wasn't even a good two hours! I think the fact that you asked him how he felt about you after said two hours is a good window into how you think and, frankly, I think it would scare any guy, shy or not. You meet people at parties for longer than that - you wouldn't freak out if they didn't call you (or would you)? You just need to ease up in general or you're going to find this happening a lot. I would consider a 2 hour coffee date more like an informational interview in the job world. No one goes in expecting a job offer because it's not even a job interview - it's only a chance to learn more about the company. A company wouldn't consider you for a second if at the end of an informational interview you asked how strong a candidate for the job you were because they'd be thinking "but you're NOT a candidate for a job?!". Hope that makes sense.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
In reply to: kathy748
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 7:44am
Ok, maybe that was wrong of me to ask him how he felt about me. I only meant it as to see if he wanted to go out with me again. He said yes but I wish he didn't. He could've said he'd think about it and let me know or something like that. But he said yes. That's what bothers me the most. I know it happens all of the time but I have a very hard time with it. I know I couldn't go through with this again any time soon. I'm not the type to take rejection over and over. I just can't do it.


Edited 4/1/2005 8:46 am ET ET by kathy748
Avatar for calilawgirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
In reply to: kathy748
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 8:40am

Sweetie, he didn't reject YOU. He doesn't even know you. You spent two hours together.

He rejected his perception of you, not you. Just like, whatever these feelings are that you have developed for him already, are not really feelings for HIM, they are your feelings based on your perception of him. Does that make sense?

Second, I don't know how old you are or how old this guy is. But the reason he answered "yes" when you asked if he wanted to go out with you again, is because he felt backed into the corner and didn't want to hurt your feelings by saying "No". IMO, that makes him a man not mature enough to be honest with you.

How much more energy and tears do you want to waste on a man who can't be bothered to be honest with you? HE'S NOT WORTH IT!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
In reply to: kathy748
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 9:04am
I'm 30 years old with very little dating experience and he's 32 with very little experience also. I fall for guys hard, that's why I have such a hard time with this. I've always been this way. I guess I've been thinking this guy was something he wasn't. His friends were trying their best to get him a gf. They're the ones that convinced him to sign up with lavalife. They even e-mailed me once when I thought he was ignoring me, when all along he's been using their computer since he didn't have one and he didn't get much time on it because of their conflicting work schedules. We've been e-mailing back and forth on lavalife for quite a while and then talked on the phone for 5 days before we met. I knew he was very shy but that was ok with me. I used to be that way myself so I understood. I took him to be a very nice guy but now I'm kinda changing my opinion about that. It'll be a week tomorrow since I met him and I'm just as hurt if not more than I've been.


Edited 4/1/2005 10:07 am ET ET by kathy748
Avatar for cyclegirl36
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
In reply to: kathy748
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 9:35am

A quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson:

"What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say"

translation-"Actions speak LOUDER than words"

Have to say that to myself over and over when people say one thing and do another.

Lots of fish out there..let this one swim away.

:)

Cyclegirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: kathy748
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 9:42am

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Weird. Are you sure he's not gay? I understand shyness but if someone's friends are having to push that hard to get the guy a girl, that's just weird. It's obvious that for whatever reason, he's just not into women right now. He also may lack maturity (or maybe sanity!), but that's something that only someone who knows him can say. Just think about it this way -- you'll go on with your life, meet someone, fall in love and be happy while he'll be sitting there all alone in his little life, watching all his friends get married and settle down, and he'll be pathetic and alone.

Or not.

Someone once told me: "Resentment is setting myself on fire in the hopes that the smoke will bother you." The best revenge is just to move on and find your own bliss. Let him deal with his issues. And, believe me, dude HAS issues! Get online and start flirting. There's bound to be someone out there...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
In reply to: kathy748
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 10:39am

I don't know what his problem is. I thought I could try to help him come out of his shell that he's having such a hard time overcoming but I guess he doesn't want my help. I can't understand him at all. I'm wondering about his previous date with a girl he met online. He said it didn't work out. I don't know if it was his choice to end it or hers.
It's funny because a friend of mine said the same thing about him being alone the rest of his life. It is really too bad. I think he needs counseling or something like that. I do feel bad for him but I'm also mad that he wouldn't give us a chance. Well, it's his loss because I'm a nice person and he's missing out on a lot.
Oh yeah, I decided not to call him like I was thinking before. I did send the one e-mail on lavalife but his friend opened it and I don't know if he'll see it or not. That's another thing I don't like about this situation. His friend can delete the message if they want to before he sees it. I don't know if she would or not but who knows. I don't think she did it yet with all of the other e-mails I sent.

Edited 4/1/2005 11:43 am ET ET by kathy748




Edited 4/1/2005 12:25 pm ET ET by kathy748