So upset by this. What to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2009
So upset by this. What to do?
Thu, 10-08-2009 - 4:24pm

Hi all,

I've been reading the boards for awhile and finally decided to ask for help on a problem.

I met a real nice guy on eharmony about three months ago. He seemed real interested and we talked through text, email, phone constantly. We met after a month and he said he liked me. We went out a couple of times then he was sent out because he is in the military. We continued to communicate through email for a couple of weeks and then he was sent home because his father, who had cancer was dying.

He continued to talk to me constantly through all of this though we didn't get to see each other much which is ok, I got that. But then he kept making promises to see me, but not following through, blaming his job with the military as the reason, which I suppose was true. He asked about the status of my eharmony account and I told him I was not using it anymore, which is true. He said the same, that it was just sitting here and that he wasn't talking to anyone else.

Unfortunately his father passed on about a month ago. Understandably communication slowed. I was willing to hold out and give him time, after all we were still communicating a couple times a week, though we used to talk everyday and we hadn't seen each other in over a month. I asked if he was still interested to which he replied yes, I asked if his feeling had changed, and he said no. Then he told me he really liked me and wanted to spend more time with me as soon as everything was settled. He's been away for a couple of weeks now with family and I really feel him distancing himself through lack of communication, shortened more disinterested feeling texts, and then to top it off a roommates friend received a request to communicate from him on eharmony! She had sent him an icebreaker about a month ago, not knowing it was the guy I was talking to, and he finally responded a couple of days ago, though he hadn't even viewed her profile before sending questions.

I feel lied to. He said he wasn't communicating with anyone else, and I have been patiently waiting for things to clear up since he seemed so interested in spending more time with me, going so far as to say he was pretty sure a relationship would come of our situation. He keeps saying that he really likes/is attracted to/and wants to see me. What should I do? I don't want to bring the eharmony request up for fear of looking stalkerish and insensitive to his loss, but it makes me wonder if all those times that plans fell through if he was really out dating other people.

I just can't see this guy who has been single for a fairly long time, who was obviously nervous around me, and who has taken so much time to get to know me and talking to me for three months to just suddenly lose interest out of nowhere when he's telling me the opposite. It was just really hurtful, not to mention embarrassing and really saddening to me, to see that.

Any insight as to what could be going on with this guy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2009
Thu, 10-08-2009 - 5:35pm

Sending questions doesn't really mean that he was planning on meeting her, especially since he didn't even view her profile. He might have decided to just send the questions because he was bored (sounds bad but some guys do I've found out), or didn't want to completely ignore the icebreaker. Also, it took him a month to reply to an icebreaker? Obviously not really interested in the potential match and obviously not checking the site all that much. But if the two of you have never really said or decided to be exclusive then he realistically is not in the wrong, though it would have been nice to keep you in the loop as to the fact that he's still looking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2008
Thu, 10-08-2009 - 7:28pm
While I think you need to cut the guy some slack cause his dad passed and due to the military (Im a Veteran married to a active duty sailor) and it seems that you have....I would call him on the eHarmony communication thing. Your not "stalkerish" you found out through a legit source. If he has made comments about being exclusive with you and isnt you need to call him on it.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2009
Thu, 10-08-2009 - 7:49pm

What to do?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-08-2009 - 10:13pm

He's in no emotional state to be in a relationship right now due to his loss, and he may be dishonest as well (lying to you about eharmony).

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Fri, 10-09-2009 - 10:57am

Just FYI - you can anonymously view someone's profile on eHarmony.

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