Some question from a naive dater
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| Sat, 11-25-2006 - 1:31pm |
I've been online dating for a total of 4 weeks and after a rough start it is starting to show some promise. There's one guy that I would even say I am "seeing", although not exclusively. I'm still working other contacts. So some questions came up that I wanted to get your opinions on:
1. I met this guy who seems really charming, intelligent and good looking. His personality really shows through his profile and the two emails he's sent me. But on that second email he asked if I would like to meet for an "adult beverage." Is this too soon? Is that an automatic ding, despite the other positive vibes I have?
2. Is it acceptable to always let the guy get the check? I have a huge problem with this because it doesn't seem fair, but if his profile says he makes $75k - $100k, should that lessen my anxieties about it? Also, my sister told me that offering to pay is actually insulting to a guy? Is this true?
3. In the same vein as #2, when do I reveal to a guy that I am flat broke? I cannot even afford to give my kids a decent Christmas. So, paying for any dates is completely out of the question, but I don't want my financial situation to hold me back from meeting someone. It holds me back in too many areas as it is, and I am working on the problem (going to school). However, I certainly do not want a guy to think that I'm a gold digger. But is it better to just let him pay for all the dates without explanation, or should I explain why I'm not offering to pay? Or maybe it's a bad idea to date when I'm broke, anyway?
Thanks for your opinions...you guys are great :)

My thoughts:
1. I don't think asking to meet that soon is an automatic ding at all. You're online to actually MEET people, right? I don't like to exchange more than a handful of emails before progressing to a short phone call and hopefully setting up a coffee date.
2. My preference is that the guy pay for the first 2-3 dates and then I will usually reciprocate after that. I don't think offering to pay is an insult, exactly, to most guys, but many guys realize that for many women, offering to pay means she's not interested in the guy (that's the only reason I would offer to pay on a first date--if I didn't want there to be a 2nd one).
3. This is a tough one. You need to be prepared to pay at least your half (because some guys will insist on splitting the check), so I'd be sure to make sure the early dates are at places you could afford just in case. And what about money for baby-sitters (or do you only go out when your ex has the kids)? As for when to bring it up, I'd say maybe after the 3rd or 4th date if you get that far...maybe say something like, "I'd love to treat you next time but things are tight for me right now. I'll definitely have you over to dinner once we get to know each other better." I don't think too many guys don't realize that many single moms have a tough time of it financially so it shouldn't come as a huge surprise.
Sheri
1. I met this guy who seems really charming, intelligent and good looking. His personality really shows through his profile and the two emails he's sent me. But on that second email he asked if I would like to meet for an "adult beverage." Is this too soon? Is that an automatic ding, despite the other positive vibes I have?
Thanks to all for the thoughtful comments :) Yeah, I only go out when my kids are with their dad. We split custody 50/50, so I don't want to leave them when I do have them. And I'm meeting that guy for drinks when he gets back from Paris next week (oooh, now HE can definitely afford to pay for the dates! LOL) The "adult beverage" thing kind of goes along with his personality, so I didn't take it as a bad thing, but I would have if I didn't already have an idea of what his personality is like - it IS a little wierd ;)
And I love all your suggestions on how to approach the no-money thing. I'm just really embarressed about it. But I do always make sure I have cash on me when I go on dates. To make it worse, I live in a really rich part of town, just in a very bad/rundown pocket. But when I say I live in the Biltmore Area I've had guys say "wow, that's a nice area." One guy even said "woohoo, I got me a sugar mama!" Um, yeah, he got one date and blew it, so that was it. LOL
Ugh, so my ideal guy has to be okay with the fact that I've taken a vow of celebacy before marriage, that I have 2 kids, and that I am flat broke and he will have to pay for most, if no all of our dates. Maybe I should just put that all in my profile. How many responses do you think I'd get? ;) LOL
1. My question is why does he call it a "adult beverage?" I guess I am inquiring on if you are at least 21 years old? Other than that, it's not too soon - just feel out his ultimate intentions.
2. In my book, the guy should always pay for at least the 1st two-three dates. If the dates become more frequent, then offer to pay, especially if you ask him out.
3. I got laid off in the middle of my on-line dating expreriences and then I became under-employed - in a nut shell I had to take a job in a call center making hardly any money in the interim. And yes - it bothered me because I was starting to do alot of online dating and always made sure that I pulled a $20 from the ATM (just in case). Well $20 can add up here and there. Maybe it's my age, but the guys I dated were in my age group and always insisted on paying for everything, plus they were established financially. Once I got serious with a couple of guys (not at the same time) and they knew how flat broke I was and were sympathetic. One of the guys got me a job at his company, and then the other guy eventually became my husband.
So don't let your lack of funds stop you from dating, just be real careful where you go out. My fear was always that a guy might expect something in return for a lobster dinner.
I, too, am a "broke dater."
This is a TOTAL anomoly to the standard operating procedures of normal dating, but it happened and it was horrifying:
I had a guy who insisted that I pay him back for our dates. We had three, in all. One was a first meet over a beer and a split appetizer. The next one was at a casual pizza place, where we each had salad and pizza, no alcohol. The third was a movie and coffee afterwards. I repeatedly offered him money, mostly because I kinda knew he was very....careful...about his money and because I never know what a man is going to expect if I do/don't offer to pay. He never accepted my money, and boy, I bet he wishes he had! We had quite a blow-out about it a few months later when he finally realized I meant it when I said I wasn't interested, and I sent him half of what he felt I owed him, but I sent it only to get him off my back. I was afraid he'd start stalking me or something.
That experience put me on a dating hiatus for about 4 months. :)
I'm back online, and here are my thoughts on your questions:
1. I think he was just trying to be cutesy and clever....and I don't think there's any red flags about meeting up for a drink, as long as you know you can handle your alcohol! :)
2. I kinda always assume the guy's going to offer to pick up the check on the first date or two, but I also always have money with me just in case. I always offer, with the honest and outright admission that it doesn't mean that I'm not interested, just that I hate watching someone I don't know pay for me. I know it bucks the trend, but it makes ME feel better. They always refuse, anyway. And I always go, "okay!" But I also always make sure that we're going somewhere that I can afford if I have to.
3. I like the others' suggestions so far. Offer to cook at your place once you get past the first few dates (though you'll have to spell out that "me cooking you dinner doesn't mean you're getting sex"), or try to take advantage of outdoor activities in your area, since they're often free. Or, like the others said, explain your situation. Most men are understanding, and if they're not? Then they're not for you!
Jess
I've really enjoyed reading all of your responses to this question!
I honestly feel odd having a guy pay for me... but then all the guys I dated in the past were absolute jerks. I've learned the hard way! I have a real strong sense of independence about me... maybe I need to lessen that a little?
Again, great replies! :)
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