Something I'm thinking about

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Something I'm thinking about
18
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 9:44pm

Like many others who have posted here, I have found that most of the men for whom I really felt an attraction were men who were

 

 

 

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 2:53pm

All that stuff is true (Harville Hendrix, Steven Carter), but on a more simplistic level what I've found is that guys that are available to me are either physically unappealing to me or have one of my big dealbreakers--children that they are raising under the age of 12.

I ask myself why haven't I run across an available guy that I find physically attractive and isn't raising little ones???

I'm off to see my therapist...LOL

Avatar for cyclegirl36
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 3:52pm

Interesting...I don't if you have read Deborah Fords' "Dark Side of the Light Chasers". The book really kicked my butt, pardon the expression...just says it all, ya know?

About the how we are mirrors of each other, traits you see in others you don't like are actually traits you don't like or have not embraced about yourself and vice versa for things you admire in others.

I know I have been really hard on myself for many years and not wanted to look at my "dark" side. I felt if I did, I might just wither away. The great thing about this book is it showed ways to embrace ALL parts of myself, the good and bad,without falling into pieces. ie. my stubborness,something I considered a "negative" trait, has served me by helping me to stand my ground, set boundaries with others, etc.

I find now that when I come across a "nice" guy, I am drawn to them. Still have not made any match but at least I am considering them. Thats progress for me. Also, says I am finally growing up!! I used to be only drawn to the lying, cheatin', no good, dirty, rotten, scoundrels. Sounds like a really bad country song:)

Unfortunately, I still am drawn to the "unavailable" man. That talks to me about my self-worth or lack thereof. There's a part of me that just doesn't feel I deserve or am ever going to find the one. That's what I have not figured out yet. I know have got intimacy, abandonment "issues" and done the shirk thing in the past to explore them. I am missing something. I have read "He's Scared, She's Scared". Probably the first actual "relationship" book that I bought. It was o.k. and makes some good points about c-phobia. The core though, for me, is something alot deeper that just being a c-phobe. Only the tip of the iceberg.

Wow, arent' you glad you asked???

Cyclegirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 4:17pm

One thing I’ve really learned over the past year is that we don’t see ourselves the way others do.

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 4:41pm

The traits that I don't like about myself are shyness, lack of assertiveness and a tendency to feel that socially, I

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 10:33pm

Hi JH....


It's your co-partner in crime on the OLD board.


Mind if I offer a suggestion?


What would happen if you sought out a few men who were the exact opposites of your personality?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 10:53pm

the issue i believe lies w/in your father.

if you are attracting emotionally unavailable men it is perhaps because your father was emotionally unavailable for part of your life or all. also he perhaps seemed ambivalent towards you.

abandonment issues also.. you figure your father left you so will another man so you attract what you know

that is my case. yes i have attracted mostly unavailable men.not to say that alot of their qualities were great and they mirrored some of the good qualities my dad had, however, they are never fully available.

my dad was a very loyal, committed dad and saw me everyday one time a week for 13 years. he was available but only 1x a week that is not a lot. at 15 years old he left me for another woman (hence my stepmom ) and she became the priority along w/ their new "baby" babies to come. hence he abandoned me therefore, i attract men that are unavailable because this is what i know..

i do know i do this and when a very emotionally available guy comes along there is uusally not much chemistry. i do know i need to work on why i don't have chemistry w/those type of men or even if i do have chemistry w/ the ones that never seem to make the long haul .most of the men that i attract also enjoy their "space". not sure if that could do anything w/ the fact being i only saw my dad 1x a week and i scare when someone wnats to spend every waking moment w/ me..

if you think about things they do make sense, it's just how do you change your feelings/attraction/chemistry for the "right" guys that will make the long haul. ?

I have read that book "hes scared shes scared ' also ,sheri, good book.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 11:04pm

Thanks for your two cents on that...I do believe it very much has to do with my father not being present. It is very difficult to have that chemistry with someon who wants to be with you 24/7. It pushes me in the opposite direction. I too, very much like my space. That's why I think it all comes down to how you feel about yourself...if you can accept the fact that those things did happen in your life and don't represent things that you did to cause them. I think many people go through life believing that they are the cause of the abandoment.

Keep me updated on what you do to help yourself. God only knows that I can use the help also. The book "he's scared, she's scared" was great. It not only showed me that I pick unavailable men, but that I can very much be a passive commitment-phobe.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 9:07am

When I was a kid in school, I always used to feel like I didn't fit in socially.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Pages