Sometimes it just seems hopeless...
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| Thu, 05-19-2005 - 10:07am |
...even though I'm trying hard to have a positive attitude.
The last few women who I have contacted on Yahoo Personals have sent back the canned response "Thanks, but I'm taking a break from dating for a while". My timing must be awful... after all, these women have active profiles up on a dating site, yet I guess they decide to "take a break" at just the time I contact them.
Sarcasm aside, though, I understand that it's really just a polite way of saying "not interested". I'm sure I could go back a week later and see that these women are still active.
I think I get most discouraged because online dating is *designed* to make it easy to meet people. That's the whole purpose of it all. All the women who have profiles on the sites are presumably available and are looking to meet nice men. So, when there is a lack of success in the OLD world, it makes me feel like any other means of meeting someone will even be more difficult (like a bar or club or grocery store, etc). Does anyone else feel like this sometimes?
Eric

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Forgot to mention.
You could always take a car mechanics class. They are always full of women hoping to meet men.
Or a cooking class. At least you'll eat well if you don't meet anyone.
Oh eric, I know exactly how you feel. BTDT a thousand times. A break from dating, OLD or RL, aLways made a difference to me.
I like the advice that offered to get involved with something that interests you. It will fill any "down" time while possibly offering you the chance to meet someone.
Hang in there!!!
Eric, SO MUCH depends on two things: your age and your looks. The younger you are (and the better-looking), the easier it is to meet people in real life. When I was in my early 20s, I learned to approach and flirt with any good-looking young fellow I saw...anywhere! I didn't even look at ring fingers first, as they were so young, they were unlikely to be married...or taken. As I got older, I had a smaller pool to fish in--and I didn't make fishing my priority. So if by "dates" one means "going out with a man that I had a possible romantic interest in," then I had NO DATES for 20 years. Seriously. God bless OLD!
Why are these women rejecting you out of hand? I reject men without even reading their profiles if they look hideous to me in their photo. Do you have a big bushy beard and a wild crazy look in your eyes? ;)
Did you have someone critique your profile description of yourself? The people here seem to do good critiques. I get very few responses to my profiles on Match and Yahoo, but darn it, the men who do respond (either taking the first step, or replying positively to my overtures) are genuinely interested in someone like me. I think some people give up too soon. I met a guy recently who was quitting Yahoo because he hadn't found anyone (except me!) that interested him...in only one month. Gee, IRL, one month is scarcely enough time to meet a worthwhile date.
That said, it's definitely worth taking a break once in a while and letting one's wallet replenish, as it were. I'm doing that at the end of this month. I've had some good dates and have a boyfriend right now, and haven't seen anyone more enticing in months. :)
I think I do know exactly how you feel and even though I haven't read the other replies before writing mine I'm sure that everyone else is going to say they know the feeling too. I'me into my sixth week of OLD this time around, and I'm feeling totally discouraged. So much rejection that it's hard to take ...
I went out with someone on Tuesday and had a fantastic time ... Leading up to the date we had been IMing for a couple of hours every night. He was charming, witty, silly, all the things men can be when they like you ... After meeting he turned into a dour, glum man complaining about how much work he has to do and how exhausted he is ... hasn't called and terse emails and tonight a very yucky IM session ...
It's so hard to keep going on because it seems like every time I like someone he doesn't like me and vice versa ... It's kinda sad and I'm feeling very dejected. I guess LG is right, it is best not to approach OLD as the place to find a long-term relationship, not to rely on it exclusively.
How do you deal with all the rejection?
>>How do you deal with all the rejection?
1. Get good at being rejected. Get used to the feel. The better you handle rejection the better you'll do online.
2. Don't get personally attached before a month -- in the back of your mind figure they're gone at any time for any reason.
3. Don't put up with any excuses - if they cannot make time to be with you - a polite - "that's ok" works well along with a mental "next" said silently to yourself.
See Online Dating for what it is -- a weaker form of meeting people. A large percent of those online are there as a "quick fix" for a broken relationship. Some are there to make another person jealous. Don't think that just because they have a pretty picture and compatible profile -- that they're anything but a stranger.
After a while you won't take the rejection personally. It will become easier to move on to the next one. I also find it helps to think occassionally about the relationships that did work out (not necessarily online) to bolster your confidence that there isn't something wrong with you.
LG...
Pianoguy couldn't have expressed OLD any better than you did.
Eric, I hear you!! Loud and clear.
I have come to the conclusion that most people (men for me) are treating online dating like a *toy*...a *game* or whatever else you want to call it.
It's like a virtual candy shop of women (or men) for them.....and no one matters because the next catch will come along or bigger, better deal.
When you meet someone on the street it's happenchance....a stranger who is single and *poof* ~ a connection can be made. No one on the "street" is thinking..."maybe someone better will be walking on the other side of the street"....kwim?
I am really getting frustrated....I am taking this seriously....I am looking for one good man....someone who I can connect with. I don't want to have a revolving door of first dates. Ugh.
I wonder if there is something we can add to our profiles to send radar out to the serious onliners....
One way to cut down on feeling so rejected after a first meeting is to cut WAAAY back on your interaction before the first meeting. IM'ing for "hours" every night before meeting is a HUGE mistake. I advise not IM'ing at all, frankly, but I know that doesn't work for everyone. But the bottom line is, meet in person ASAP.
Sheri
Thanks everyone for all the responses and good advice. It really helps to be able to "talk" to people who can identify with you, and also have some good suggestions.
I especially liked the idea of getting out and doing some activities that I enjoy, and maybe meet someone with my same interests. I like to play tennis, so maybe a tennis club or something along those lines. Maybe I can meet someone like Anna Kournikova? (lol, j/k) Talk about a lack of things in common. :-)
I have heard of speed dating, but I really don't think I would be comforatable doing that. Sheri said it well, it would be tough to make small talk with all these strangers in a short period of time. I don't think I would ever be at my best in that situation.
My discouragement comes from one main factor - it's not that I'm going out on all these dates and getting rejected - it's that I'm not even *getting* to the dating stage. I've only had three dates in over a year. I go by the tried-and-true rules of OLD - not too many emails, short phone conversations, not a lot of IM'ing, and get to the meet quickly. I just get very few responses to begin with, and a very large percentage of my respondants end up ghosting.
Marigold - it could be my profile, I don't know. I have not changed it in a few months, maybe I should update it. I agree with lg's advice of having a close up, a candid, and a full body shot, although I don't have all of those.
If anyone wants to critique it it's on Match.com: eric_35m
I am going to start trying more IRL dating and see how that goes. In the meantime I got an email last night from a "prospect", so we'll see how that pans out.
Thanks everyone,
Eric
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