In a sticky situation..... Need advice..

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2005
In a sticky situation..... Need advice..
21
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 11:03am

I have a question for all of you, and hopefully you can help me out. I am in kind of a sticky situation right now. I started talking to this guy on the internet about 2 months ago. We started out talking just as friends, and everything was great between us...Then we found out that we had feelings for each other, and we decided to try to have a relationship.

He lives in New Jersey, and I live in Arizona, but we thought that we would give it a try since we had so much in common. Well my major problem with all of this is that when we first started talking, he asked for a picture of myself. Well I have always had a problem with self esteem and self image, so I stupidly gave him a picture of another girl who is pretty attractive. I wasnt really thinking at the time that anything would happen between this guy and myself and I didnt want to think about what he would say about me if he saw my real picture. Now I am not saying that I am a horribly unattractive person. I have blonde hair, blue eyes, i'm 24 years old 5'8. I think that my main problem with myself is my weight. I have always had a problem with that. Now the guy I am talking to is an average looking guy who is also a little overweight, but I dont care about that thing.

Well now he is talking about coming out here to meet me, and it has me scared. Because I dont know what he will do when he finds out that the pic I gave him was not a real picture of me. He tells me all the time that he loves me for my personality, and the ways that I act, and how much we have in common. Since I have only showed him one pic of myself, I try to believe that....But I dont know for sure....

Can anyone tell me what I should do before this guy decides to come and meet me? I really dont want to lose him, so that is why I am hesitant on telling him the truth, but on the other hand, this cannot continue with him thinking that I look like someone else....

Please help me! Any advice would be appreciated...

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Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 11:23am

Apologize, explain, and send a real pic of yourself.


Hope for the best, that it won't be that important and he'll appreciate you coming clean... but you should also realistically expect that you may never hear from him again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 11:27am

In my mind, there are two options:



1. You don't tell him, continue the fallacy and disappear from his life.


2. You come clean ASAP and let the chips fall where they may.


Personally, I would opt for #2. And I would tell him your reasons for sending him a fake picture. I can't promise you what his reaction will be, but you'll at least feel good being honest and not hiding.


Also, if you haven't met yet, be careful. Many times even though there's great chemistry on the phone, when you meet a person live, there is none.


Hope this helps. Keep us posted on how it goes.


Kerry


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 12:04pm

You're going to have to own up to it and tell him that you did this and why. You can expect him to feel angry and betrayed. He might never want to talk to you or meet you. But definitely do this before he makes the investment to buy a plane ticket to meet you.

Sorry to be harsh, but why in the world would you ever do that? Did you think that you would never meet? And when you decided to start a "relationship" with this guy that lives across the country, why didn't you come clean then? It would have made things a lot easier.

Chances are, he won't be real happy with you deceiving him (and that's what it is - deception - no matter what the motivation), especially since he is a nice, average-looking, slightly overweight guy himelf.

You have no choice but to tell him or to end the relationship if you ever have any intention to meet him in person.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 1:14pm

I agree with the others, you have to either own up to it and apologize, apologize, apologize, or cut off contact. I would encourage you to admit what you did and why you did it, though. Here is why: you say you did it b/c of low self-esteem, i.e., you don't think much of yourself. If you try to squirm your way out of this rather than being honest and taking your lumps, you will feel even worse about yourself, whereas if you do the right thing, no matter what the outcome you can be proud of yourself for having the integrity to be honest in the end.

You made a mistake. Fix it, let the chips fall where they may, and make a vow to yourself to never do it again. Good luck and let us know what happens!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 5:16pm

You have no choice but to tell him the truth. What a shame. If I was him I would make it real clear that it didn't matter about your weight but it does matter that you lied.

I can't believe we still find ways of lying not only to ourselves but to people who could possibly be the most important person in your life. Learn a lesson from this...lose some weight....take new pictures...and start over.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2005
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 5:24pm
i felt the same way too..but i gave my friend a pix of me without my bottom half.
I understand what you are feeling but really the hard decision is accepting who you are.... if you didn't give him a pix of you and lied about the pix that's not a good way to start this relationship. And he might not like you for that... so be prepare... for this...
good luck...
jackrain.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 5:47pm

YOu need to come clean. People do this all the time on the internet and it's incredibly deceitful, whether you want people to like you for who you are or not you need to be honest with who you are, you cannot expect them to fall in love with your personality and show them a false picture and be okay with them knowing you lied.

You need to come clean, tell him you were afraid he wouldn't find you attractive so you sent him someone elses picture, you know it was wrong and you are sorry then send him a picture of yourself. Be prepared that he may get mad that you have deceived him. It is not cool to lie to someone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 10:51pm

Cant you just say it was an old pic?
How far off is the pic from the real you?
If it is only a matter of weight you can say that you have gained a lot of weight in the past 2 years and that the picture is dated.
I dont believe you should stress too much over this. You lied but you did not intend to deceive so just let him know your pic is not how you look like right now no need to elaborate more

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2005
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 11:54pm

Hi

I agree with all the others you must tell the truth. I can only imagine how this will be a difficult moment to pass (i.e. waiting for his reaction). Tell yourself that the truth will also liberate you from this “burden”.

That being said, please remember that it was your personality that helped create the connection you have with that man. I am certain that this “personality” is beautiful… and WORTH IT regardless of your weight.

I know that is it somewhat easy/corny to say that someone’s inside is as important as the outside… especially in this image based society… But, have faith in who you are and also have faith in him too… he may surprise you …..

Best of luck …. Be who you are, stand tall and proud. Do it for you first and that self-confidence will make you more attractive in the eyes of some and in yours .

Winnie ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 6:27am
She did intend to deceive it's not a picture of her.

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