In a sticky situation..... Need advice..

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2005
In a sticky situation..... Need advice..
21
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 11:03am

I have a question for all of you, and hopefully you can help me out. I am in kind of a sticky situation right now. I started talking to this guy on the internet about 2 months ago. We started out talking just as friends, and everything was great between us...Then we found out that we had feelings for each other, and we decided to try to have a relationship.

He lives in New Jersey, and I live in Arizona, but we thought that we would give it a try since we had so much in common. Well my major problem with all of this is that when we first started talking, he asked for a picture of myself. Well I have always had a problem with self esteem and self image, so I stupidly gave him a picture of another girl who is pretty attractive. I wasnt really thinking at the time that anything would happen between this guy and myself and I didnt want to think about what he would say about me if he saw my real picture. Now I am not saying that I am a horribly unattractive person. I have blonde hair, blue eyes, i'm 24 years old 5'8. I think that my main problem with myself is my weight. I have always had a problem with that. Now the guy I am talking to is an average looking guy who is also a little overweight, but I dont care about that thing.

Well now he is talking about coming out here to meet me, and it has me scared. Because I dont know what he will do when he finds out that the pic I gave him was not a real picture of me. He tells me all the time that he loves me for my personality, and the ways that I act, and how much we have in common. Since I have only showed him one pic of myself, I try to believe that....But I dont know for sure....

Can anyone tell me what I should do before this guy decides to come and meet me? I really dont want to lose him, so that is why I am hesitant on telling him the truth, but on the other hand, this cannot continue with him thinking that I look like someone else....

Please help me! Any advice would be appreciated...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 6:43am
you know what you have to do...tell him the TRUTH PLEASE!!!I don't know why you would do what you did...actually I do understand how you must have felt....nervous and unsure if he would like what you look like...well I too have this same feeling about myself at times.I hate to have my photo taken.I feel that I don't look good enough to date anyone...its just my low self-esteem talking.You really need to tell him the truth as soon as possible.If you guys want a good relationship to blossom.....this needs to be done.He might feel hurt at first BUT you really need to do it if you care about him.You will feel so much better that you did it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 9:18am
So you think she should CONTINUE lying to this guy? I'm not really sure how you justify your statement that she didn't intend to deceive. Yes, she is regretting it and she needs to come clean. What kind of relationship would she be setting herself up for if she further compounds this situation by lying again? You may be OK with it if someone did that to you, but I wouldn't put up with that for one second!
Stephanie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 9:45am

Just a friendly reminder that everyone has a right to their opinion, even if it does not agree with your own. Therefore, if someone has a different viewpoint please do not and make it necessary for that person to defend themselves.


Thanks!


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 9:50am

OK, the thing is this is not a small lie and to perpetuate the lie just makes things worse. I would not want a relationship built on a lie and then to continue the lie... things have a tendency to snowball when you start.

She did intend to deceive him although her motivations may not have been malicious. When you send someone else's picture, that's deceptive. Her best bet is to come clean and hope the guy can forgive her.




Edited 2/22/2006 9:54 am ET by vexer_hw

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2005
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 11:01am

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to thank you for all of your suggestions and comments. And I deserve everything that you guys are saying about me. It was decietful of me to show him a pic of someone else. I wasnt thinking at the time that I would get feelings for this guy, so I didnt really think that this kind of thing would be a big problem. I never intended on meeting him. But it doesnt justify what I did. I am going to tell him this weekend when he gets back into town, and I am sure that he will not talk to me again. And I deserve that. I dont deserve a guy as nice as he is, after I did something like that. Its just that I have such low self esteem, that I am always afraid of what someone will say about what I look like, and I am afraid that I will be hurt by their comments. I have always been that way. I feel horrible about doing this, and I will never do it again. I may never talk to anyone on the net again actually. But again, thank you to everyone for your advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 11:18am

I don't think the answer is to never talk to someone again on the internet. I would instead consider getting into some short term counseling to work on your self esteem. Hating yourself for your weight isn't good. One of the biggest complaints about dating on the internet, is lying and false pictures, I've seen it time and time again, men getting pictures of women or women getting pictures of men of when they were younger, 50 lbs lighter, when the guy had hair etc, and it's false advertising and then the person is pissed when the guy or girl is mad and doesn't want to stay on the date and they say well he should like me anyway, not so, if someone sends a picture with a full head of hair and you show up bald, it's not fair to that person, if you say to them, here is a picture of me from 5 years ago I am bald now, then at least you are letting that person know, or here is a picture of me from 5 years ago but I'm 50 lbs heavier, okay you are letting that person know, but to just show up on the date 50 lbs heavier and just expecting that person to accept you the way you are now and not feel deceived, is not okay. Its one of the biggest complaints you see in chatrooms on peoples dates.

I think you definitely have low self esteem and I think you should work on that, being overweight doesn't mean you are ugly, and that nobody can love you, but the person who should love you first and foremost is you and the only way you can do that is to accept yourself, get yourself into counseling, learn to accept who you are, if you aren't happy with your weight or your style then take some positive steps to change your attitude, your style etc. You can do whatever you set your mind too, it's obvious you are a great person, he likes you, your personality has him hooked, stop letting this self loathing hold you back from being the person you are intended on being.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 11:20am
Trust me, we ALL make mistakes. Since I am probably one of the older ladies on the board, let me pass this advice on to you. Don't spend too much time kicking yourself in the butt. Acknowledge your mistake (which you have done), learn from it and move on! Thumbs up for your decision to come clean with this guy!
Don't shut the door on meeting someone on the net! Just play things honestly next time.
Stephanie
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 11:55am

Hey, what sniffle_sally said is right on. Don't let this keep you from talking to other people on the Internet or from trying to find Mr. Right in any way you feel comfortable. That said, you do need to work on your self-esteem so that you will be confident and will bring your best self to a relationship when you find it. Counseling would be a great idea. And if you're not happy with your weight, do something about it! Start exercizing, join Weight Watchers or go to your doctor to see if they can put you on a nutrition plan. You have your destiny in your hands on that one and only YOU can change that. And no matter what, you are worthy of being loved and having someone in your life just as you are. But that person deserves an honest representation of who you are.

Good luck - maybe he won't stop speaking to you, but it is better to be prepared for the worst.




Edited 2/22/2006 12:32 pm ET by vexer_hw

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 12:04pm

First, no scoldings from me. It's evident you feel bad enough as it is. And we've ALL made mistakes haven't we?

It's unfortunate this happened, yet, I do see some people might choose to falsify how they represent themselves. Whether or not this works to a person's advantage later on is usually questionable. And while I doubt many folks would forgive and forget in a scenario like this, you truly have no idea how he'll react until you tell him.

Share what you told us with him, and the reasoning behind it. You sounded sincere in your original post. Sure, there's a mighty good chance he'll be angry and feel deceived. He may put an end to things immediately. He might need a few days to mull it over. He might be understanding and come around. ??

Tell him because it's the honorable thing to do. And whatever happens, you'll be fine. You learned a valuable lesson and will do things differently next time. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2005
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 2:24pm

«Self confidence and beauty are first a matter of attitude. »Anonymous

Please stop telling yourself that you " dont deserve a guy as nice as he is,"... you do ... but you must first believe it. Work on that and in time the rest will follow. Be patient and "stop kicking yourself" like another Lady said. Changes in self attitude take time and are FAR from easy but you will benefit from it at first and the others will too.

:-)
Winnie




Edited 2/22/2006 8:03 pm ET by funnywinnie10