In a sticky situation... UPDATE

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2005
In a sticky situation... UPDATE
14
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 11:48am

Well, everyone, I am sure most of you remember my problem that I had with a guy that I have been talking to for a while... Here is the link to the topic that I am talking about:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlcyber&msg=11146.1

Anyways, I told the guy yesterday. I confessed why I hadnt showed him my real picture... And like everyone predicted, he blew up. Because I had lied to him...He told me that he didnt want to continue a relationship. I apologized continuously to him, and told him that I wanted to work things out.... Well he was pretty mean to me. Understandibly. He was at work, so we pretty much talked through text messages. Then he called me and told me that maybe I would have better luck with the next guy I was with. Which pretty much told me that he didnt want to continue anything for sure. Well I was pretty upset about everything, and I was crying like crazy. I told him exactly why I had done what I did. Told him about my self esteem issues, and how that was the only thing I had been lying about. He seemed to calm down a little, and he asked me what I thought he should do. I told him that I would like him to give me another change, to prove that I am a nice person, and that I really do have feelings for him that are genuine. I then sent him a real picture of myself. His exact words after that were: "Are you kidding me? You lied about that? You could have avoided this whole thing..." I told him I lied because I didnt think I was a nice looking person. He told me he thought I was. He then called me and we talked things over, and he decided to give me a second chance..... The only problem I have now, is that I have these doubts....Like is he just doing this because he feels sorry for me? Is he just trying to pay me back for what I did? Or does he genuinely still have feelings for me.....

I guess I'll have to wait and see...




Edited 3/8/2006 11:51 am ET by kawaiikoneko81

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 11:57am

It sounds like he was genuine about his disbelief that you lied when you are probably better looking than you think you are. His response sounds like he thought you looked fine and had no reason to lie or send a phony photo. I also have self-image issues, but I would never consider sending a photo of someone else because eventually you have to come clean about it. Just remember the pain of not being truthful and vow not to do it again. The truth is usually always better than something that is made up.

It sounds like the guy is still interested in you anyway, and I think you need to be thankful for that. I hope that you stay together for a long time and can eventually look back on this incident and be able to put it in its proper perspective.

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 12:08pm

Well honey, I'm glad to hear you came clean and sent a real pic of yourself!


Now that it's out, just let it go, drop it and do NOT bring it up again. If he wants to bring it up, he will, but if you bring it up it's like kicking him while he's down. He will need some time to 'process' the new information and decide how he feels about it and you. Seriously, you dropped a huge bomb on him and you should consider yourself VERY lucky that he's willing to try and overlook it and move on. But it may take some time for the whole thing to blow over, and it may bring up other issues over the near future.


Do yourself a favor and don't beg or grovel for this guy... or any guy... or anything!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2005
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 12:14pm

Here is the picture I sent him....I dont know how he still likes me...I just dont think I am that good looking....

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v718/Kawaiikoneko8/2.jpg

But thank you soo soo much everyone for your help with this! I really appreciate it!




Edited 3/8/2006 1:23 pm ET by kawaiikoneko81
Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 12:27pm

It's not a 'flattering' picture (angle, lighting, blurry, no smile) but I would NOT say you were bad looking! Can you get a friend to help you take some better pics of yourself? Maybe you'd feel better about sharing pictures, if the quality of picture was better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2005
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 3:22pm

Hi there,

I am so happy that things turned out the way they did ... You HAVE to be yourself from now one and take it slow :-) Keep having faith in yourself and in him too.
Winnie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2005
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 8:31pm
I didn't see the picture because the link is gone, but the important thing is that you need to have confidence in yourself. That is going to attract someone more than model looks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 9:41pm

I think you are your own worst enemy here....your cconstantly questioning every move someone makes is a sign of your own insecurity. You will continue to destroy your relationships until you seek counseling for your low self esteem. To tell someone that you didn't send your own pic because you weren't a good looking person is just a huge mistake. If you think it fine but don't verbalize it. I question why this man after having this experience would remain with you. Your negativity will never breed a healthy relationship.

I write this from experience. So many of my OLD failed because I went into waiting for them to fail. These days with the way I feel about myself now I succeed. I go into meeting people with confidence and I have found the difference in their reaction astounding. I always blamed the guys but it was my fault.

Please do not take it wrong. I write this from experience. Seek counseling to raise your self esteem and then pursue a relationship. You're putting the horse before the cart here and it won't work.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 12:50am

Just as you said in the last line of your post....you'll have to wait and see. If I were you, I'd proceed with caution. He may very well be a genuinely nice guy with good intentions. You may hit it off, get along famously and ride off into the sunset together...

But also be alert to the possibility he may continue harboring resentment from feeling deceived. He may have something waiting up his sleeve for you- not trying to put a damper on the situation, but under the circumstances, it might be wise to be realistic here.

No matter how well you've gotten to know someone via email and phone calls, it's never quite the same as that first in-person meet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 9:02am

I agree with fluffybuttdiva here -- Kaw, you really, really need to stop with the "poor me, who would ever find me attractive" stuff. Even if you FEEL that way, you can't present yourself that way because that attitude itself is unattractive. CONFIDENCE is attractive. Insecurity, not so much.

I think many of us (I used to do this until I saw the light) fall into the trap of being self-deprecating because sometimes people respond with flattery. ("Nice dress." "Oh, this old thing?") But that comes off as fishing for compliments, at best. THink about what you are really saying. Do you want a man you care about to see you as somebody who needs reassurance that her flaws aren't a turnoff? No, you do not. You want him to see you as a fabulous catch.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2005
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 12:09pm

I have been talking to this guy now, for the past couple of days, and I just dont know what to do really.... I mean I always have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I talk to him because I keep thinking: "Why is he still talking to me after what I did...Is he trying to just get back at me for lying to him? Is he going to play with me for a while, and make me thing everything is ok, and then decide to tell me that he has been seeing another woman?" He has been acting a little differently also since I told him the truth. Which is understandable, I mean I dropped a huge bomb on him... I flat out asked him last night when he called me, if he was ok with everything, and he pretty much said that he just wanted to move on, and forget about what happened.... Yet I cant seem to stop thinking that all he is doing is playing some kind of game with me now, since I decieved him...I dont think this is going to turn out well regardless, because I cant stop thinking that this guy can do so much better than me....

He just seems different now....

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