still online?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
still online?
9
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 12:37pm

Hi! New to this board, so bare with me....

I met a guy online about three months ago. We really hit it off and have been spending basically every weekend together, have plans for holidays etc....It is going great. He calls me his girlfriend and says that he is not dating anyone else.

Problem-- I know that he cancelled the one membership, however I know that he still goes on another online dating site (I know I shouldn't check-- but I sometimes can't help myself :))...

Any thoughts? I am scared to get my heart broken.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
In reply to: skinsfan530
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 12:48pm
I would ask him about it. If he calls you his girlfriend and neither of you are dating others, you have a right to know why he's on a dating site still. I"d just say, i noticed you still have a membership to this site, are we not exclusive?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: skinsfan530
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 2:09pm

I agree, ask him about it. This would be a good opportunity to clarify what each of you means by "exclusive". I usually do that when we're discussing exclusivity in the first place and talk about things like taking down profiles, just to make sure we are on the same page in terms of our expectations, but better late than never!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
In reply to: skinsfan530
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 2:22pm
I'm worried that he is going to think that I am spying on him, or snooping....
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
In reply to: skinsfan530
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 2:43pm

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I completely understand not wanting to get your heart broken. I had the same thing happen to me last year...a guy I was with exclusively was secretly on a dating site after we established we are exclusive. Agreeing that we aren't dating others is the same as not pursuing others and if any guys wants to split hairs on that, he's crazy.

How did you find out about the other profile?

I'm going to take a harsher view than the others here.

He says he's not dating anyone else, calls you his gf, you spend almost all your time together, and you even have holiday plans together.

Based on the mere fact that he has established with you that he is not dating anyone else (exclusivity), he should NOT have a secret profile and be checking it. It's as simple as that. I would clarify with him what he means by 'exclusive' once more *before* telling him you know about the secret profile. Once he comes out and clarifies it again, then it will be more clear to you if he is deceiving you on purpose. A guy who would deceive like this is...well, let's just say that's a huge red flag. What is trust built on if not for things like this? I dumped the guy who did it to me and it turned out that he was not only checking his profile, he was emailing and talking on phone with some of the women. He just slowly took it to the next level with one woman, even saw her and told her he was single. It's a slippery slope for guys with that mentality.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
In reply to: skinsfan530
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 3:28pm
I know. you are right, I should just say something. The problem is I feel like the way that I found the info was a little "sneaky". He was having some email problems and wanted me to look at it so he logged me into to his email account and while I was in there I noticed that he had some emails from this online sight (not the one we met on). so I did some further investigating and found his profile (and the fact that he does go on it). That is why I am having a hard time confronting him.... I am not a "snoop" generally
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
In reply to: skinsfan530
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 3:55pm

Okay, what I see is that you are shifting focus, blame- if you will, onto yourself for snooping/accidentally seeing the emails when he let you into his account. This seems to be working as a defense mechanism so that you don't just lose it. It's obvious that you value trust even by the way you are concerned about your own 'sneaky' behavior. The bottom line is that he is going against his WORD. (That is what trust is built on!). I understand the need to keep it together; This isn't your fault in any way. He isn't being forthcoming. He is the one who is being sneaky here.

Like I mentioned before, if you first have him verbalize you two's agreement you'll confirm for yourself that you aren't jumping to conclusions and you'll be able to just end it (if you choose to) based on the information you have about his online dating activity and how he is willing to deceive someone he is intimate with.

I know three months is long enough to feel attached to someone and this must burn. Stay strong!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
In reply to: skinsfan530
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 8:00pm
One question will help you make a decision: "Do you have any other dating profiles other than the one we met on?" If he says no, then you know all you need to know about his character. If he says yes and admits to the one you saw (and maybe others), this opens communication for what you need to know - which is whether to continue with him or not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
In reply to: skinsfan530
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 11:28pm
I see your point but disagree. I think if she explains she saw his online activity, it will look like snooping, because that's what she was doing. If she were driving by his house to check up on him and saw that he was with another girl, would his conduct erase her drive-by? And certainly confronting him (or asking him sweetly or whatever) will not go over well. He will just accuse her of prying, she'll say "But I thought we were exclusive!" and he'll start to think of her as possessive and whiny. She can't react the same way as if he were "cheating," because she doesn't know enough about what he was doing with his online contacts. I mean really, if she talks to him, what's he going to say? "I like you, but I don't think you're the one, so I'm keeping my options open." Will that make her feel better? Or will he make up some lame excuse such as "I wasn't e-mailing anyone, just reading messages from girls I have no interest in." Right. So what will talking accomplish? She should just pretend she didn't see him online and ignore him for 1-2 weeks. He will get the message, and if he likes her, he'll try to win her back without any of the unpleasantness described above. Men know when they're not behaving well; there's no need to always point it out to them. Ignoring him for a while is not game-playing -- it's making a point without being labeled needy and suspicious. Men early on look for reasons NOT to date someone. Personally, I wouldn't date a guy who claims to be exclusive then went on match.com, but I also wouldn't follow his online activity either; I have better things to do. Talking might be appropriate if (i) she hadn't deliberately checked out whether he was online, or (ii) they had been dating a long time or were married.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
In reply to: skinsfan530
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 12:02am

my emphasis was more on the clarifying for herself that they are supposedly exclusive than on the pointing it out to him that she knows he is online. I don't seriously condone *telling* him she knew what he was doing. i think the point and the issue is more about her having the resolve to decide if she can be with him after doing that and then moving on or not. frankly, she deosn't even have to tell him that she knows in order to make the right decision for herself.

i disagree with playing games. i dont think ignoring him for a while in hopes that he will come back to her can erase that he was pursuing on another dating site when they were suppose to be exclusive. you can play the cat and mouse game but that doesn't do anything for deeper stuff like integrity and character...