Suggestions for how to handle this?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Suggestions for how to handle this?
23
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 4:09pm

I posted in the NYE thread about this guy I went out with last night...all told we've had about 8-9 dates since we met.

I *like* him but he's got one quality in particular I don't know if I can deal with...and that is that he talks about himself practically non-stop! It's really driving me crazy. He'll ask me a question, and I'll start to respond, and then he's off about himself again. Like last night we were talking about our families, and I said something about my father dying when I was in high school, and he's like, ummm-hmmm, so my father was this, that and the other thing. I'm like, WTH???

The thing is, he's very gentlemanly and considerate, in other respects. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I don't think this will change unless I point it out (and even then who knows if it would plus of course it would hurt his feelings). So do I just stop dating him, or at least say something first and see if he can modify his behavior? If the latter, what do I say?

Sheri

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Registered: 01-09-2004
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 4:27pm
I don't know if I should be the one giving advice about dealing with bothersome behavior, since I sort of ended it with that othr guy over that. Anyway, I think the first thing you have to ask yourself is if you like him enough to want to continue dating him in the first place. If you do really like him and that's the only thing bothering you, maybe you could approach it like, "I want you to know that I think you are a great guy, compliment him about soemthing he does you like, and then say "I know you probably don't even notice this and maybe it's just me, but somtimes I feel like...and then spill it." Some bahviors can change, though I know we should never go into a relationship with the idea that they'll change. I know the , what I perceived as "effeminant" mannerisms weren't going to change in the guy I was dating and I couldn't get past them bothering me. However, I also think I nitpick when I'm not really into someone. A great guy friend of mine noted how I gave "slime" guy a lot of leeway, but didn't give this guy an inch. In other words, I let the jerk get a way with a lot because I liked him. Not a good thing, but I do know that we tend to over look little flaws if we're into someone. Your date's focusing on himself isn't a little flaw. relationships are based on being able to discuss and share with one another. I'd address it and see if it changes IF you really likehim. If not, is it really worth the effort?
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Registered: 05-28-2005
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 5:36pm

I think you're right. If he's polite and respects you in other ways, he's probably not aware of it. I think it might be best to mention it to him, but bring up a specific occasion. The perfect example would be the one you gave about the passing of your dad. That's extreme, imo. Maybe you can let him know that it hurt your feelings and you "needed an ear".....or something like that. I'm trying to come up with a way that you could approach it where it wouldn't hurt his feelings too much, considering he is most likely unaware of it.

FYI...it would really annoy me, too. But, if he likes you (and it seems like he does) I'm sure he would want to be aware that he could be a better friend to you in this way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 8:37am

Sheri -

My most recent ex-boyfriend was like this the first month or so we dated, always him-him-him. Like your guy, he would ASK the questions, but only as an entree into talking about HIS stuff.

We had a really good time together so I let it go (but don't think that it didn't make me simmer) and found that once he'd exhausted all his stories, he was much more patient about asking about and listening to mine.

I came to understand that he was pretty lonely when we'd started going out and probably just hadn't been talking much!

Anyway, we ended up going out for almost two years; I think that you, with your astute insight, will know fairly shortly if your guy is kind of like this, or whether he's truly self-centered.

Oh, by the way -- wooooohoooooo on finding someone you want to go on 8-9 dates with!!! I'm thrilled!!

Happy New Year -

Tracy

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Registered: 06-26-2005
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 8:47am

Hello and Happy New Year.

Usually when people cant stop taking over conversations, and talking about themselves, it usually gives you a window to see into how they process information.
There are usually a few traits, that manifest eventually.

a) The pitiful;- who usually steers a conversation, to let you know how he has been in the exact same situation, and wants your sympathy or should we say pity...you say..Traffic was hell getting here".. he'll go "oh you can't imagine how bad it was when I was getting here and my AC/heater in the car was on the blink"... he never elevates the convo beyond the prosaic

b) The interesting;- he has no patience for your side of a conversation, since he feels his own narration of his version is more interesting/conversation worthy, eg... My transmission conked out.. "him interrupting.... O when my brand new truck had its transmission go and bla bla bla". He likes to be entertained and will take matters into his own hands so ensure that... watch out!! also prone to drama LOL

c)The North star;- He has to guide the conversation. In his very capable mind, he is more intelligent,knowledgeable, compassionate, loving you name it. The scary thing about this type is, they usually appear attentive and caring, but you can never get a word in without seeming as if you are jostling for speaking time with him. The sun rises and sets according to mr nice him. He is a good *everything*,( without appearing conceited or seeming to blow their own trumpet). They are quite knowledgeable about stuff,therefore are quite used to having an attentive audience. But after a while, it is easy to notice that even in things that you are a better repository of knowledge,he still wants to hold sway, in that "Gentle caring way " that makes you want to scream.

Only patience and time will tell you whether you can deal with it, or if he will be willing to change, or if your pointing it out to him, will alert him and he will affect a change that is superficial just to please you.

In my own experience its usually the tip of a self centred iceberg.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 9:33am

You can hang me out to dry too if you want but I sometimes monopolize conversations. There is a group of people with whom I sometimes spend time. I try to avoid them but I find myself with them about every 4 months. They are deadly boring.

Because these folks have almost nothing to say I find myself being more entertaining than normal. Mind you, I am aware of what I am doing but I also need to stay awake too.

I don't know whether this adds anything to the discussion or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 10:27am
But you are adding to conversation, chamey, whereas NWW's Guy is taking conversation away from her. There's a big difference. His trait screams "it's all about me".
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 11:23am

I wouldn't consider that a "quality" Sheri.

Reminds me of a guy I dated **ONCE** he did the same thing, when I would finally be able to get a word in edgewise, and start to tell a "story" it would remind him of something else and he'd cut me off and go on and on about himself. I didn't even give him a second chance I was just so turned off by it.

But if you really like him I'd at least tell him that he does it to see if he's just not aware of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 1:25pm
The fact that he glossed over the fact that your father died when you were in high school and went back to his "all about me" conversation concerns me. I mean, having a parent die when you're in high school is big. If it were me, I would bring it up. Don't be mean or accusatory but lay it out there and see what he says. Then, as time goes on, see if the behavior changes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 1:31pm
I've dated guys like this, conversations are supposed to be like a good game of tennis and most think the ball is always in their court, LOL - it sounds like you do like him, I haven't read the other threads but I'd point it out - you have nothing to lose - might as well. I'd think about how you would say it as that would be tough, good luck!
 
 
Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 1:59pm

Thanks for all the feedback and suggestions. I think I will say something...that is, if I decide I want to keep seeing him. I really got the "ick" yesterday when I saw that he was calling...had to force myself to pick up the phone. Not a good sign, of course. But I don't know if it's because I'm focusing on this particular negative trait or something else. So I will most likely try to give him the benefit of the doubt and talk to him. I'm just so darn tired of doing that (giving the benefit of the doubt) and always getting burned when I do...it makes it hard to continue to do so!

I was much more excited to hear from my "fling" guy who's moving this Saturday. We're getting together tomorrow night, just to catch up a bit and say goodbye. Sigh...of course the guy I'm really interested in is the one who's moving.

Sheri

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