Suggestions for how to handle this?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Suggestions for how to handle this?
23
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 4:09pm

I posted in the NYE thread about this guy I went out with last night...all told we've had about 8-9 dates since we met.

I *like* him but he's got one quality in particular I don't know if I can deal with...and that is that he talks about himself practically non-stop! It's really driving me crazy. He'll ask me a question, and I'll start to respond, and then he's off about himself again. Like last night we were talking about our families, and I said something about my father dying when I was in high school, and he's like, ummm-hmmm, so my father was this, that and the other thing. I'm like, WTH???

The thing is, he's very gentlemanly and considerate, in other respects. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I don't think this will change unless I point it out (and even then who knows if it would plus of course it would hurt his feelings). So do I just stop dating him, or at least say something first and see if he can modify his behavior? If the latter, what do I say?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 2:09pm

Oh, Sheri....it's Murphy's Law, isn't it?

Even though the guy you like is leaving, I'm kind of excited that he called to see you one last time. Sometimes you just have to go with your feelings....

Avatar for eatatmoms
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 2:12pm

Ugh, the last man I dated before E was like that. I started to feel like I was his therapist and that he would only call if he needed to vent about something. I say go out with him one more time and if he still does it say bye bye. This may just be his typical habit.

Mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 7:58pm

i say give it time.. sometimes we nitpick things in a beginning of a r'ship because the guy has good potential and it's our fears getting in the way.. granted he could be talking about himself a lot but if he has a lot of other great qualities this may wear out in time.. yes conversation should be back and forth learning about each other..

do you think he is very interested in you as well? getting to know you as a friend, date etc?? that is important too.. but sometimes Guys /people are just that way in the beginning they like to talk about themselves.

i am not sure i would say anything quite yet.. it has happened to me in the past and usually i have found it wears off after you keep dating.. it might still be something he is trying to do to sell himself on you still..

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 10:40pm

I do get the sense that he is concerned about "selling" himself to me...he has mentioned being nervous around me because he wants to make a good impression. But ironically his doing so in less than a 50/50 manner is a turn off. I could tell you all sorts of details about his life but I would bet if I asked him something basic like where I grew up, he'd draw a blank.

And yes, he's made it clear that he is interested in me as a potential long-term romantic partner.

We'll see...I'm willing to see if it improves. I hope this is not my old issue of only being attracted to unavailable men coming up again, though...but I have to remind myself that just because someone *IS* interested and available, doesn't necessarily mean he's right for me, either.

There are a couple other things that I'm not sure about as well, but this is the biggest. We'll see what happens and in the meantime, I'm keeping my dating options open...I'm currently emailing a guy from CL...we'll see!

Sheri

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Registered: 05-31-2005
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 11:26pm

<<...but I have to remind myself that just because someone *IS* interested and available, doesn't necessarily mean he's right for me, either.>> You can say that for me too!


I'm really glad you brought this topic up. I've always battled with myself when guys talk about themselves too much and never really knew how to deal with it.


On a completely different subject, you're surprising me like crazy! I am surprised (happily so) that you are doing CL too... I remember a time when you were hesitant about that. You go girl. ;o) *nudge nudge*


PS: Come to chat next week! You have been missed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 7:16am

Sheri -- I dated a guy like this too. It never changed, and actually got worse as time went on. As someone else said, I felt like I was his therapist. There was no room in the relationship for ME. In fact, he called me about a month ago to rant about something that was stressing him out (there was ALWAYS something stressing him out) for 10 minutes, then basically hung up on me.

I would be cautious about proceeding with him. Next time he changes the conversational track, you might wait until he finishes a sentence, then gently say something like, "I'm not sure you realize that you stopped me from finishing my story," and see how he responds before bringing up the fact that he does it a lot. But it's a bad sign that you don't think he remembers what you've told him about yourself. That says narcissist to me, and I have dated enough of them to recognize the signs pretty quickly. With this last guy, I got very resentful and found myself turning into a serious "beyotch" with him, which is totally unlike me.

I'm glad to hear your fling is keeping in touch -- you never know what might happen and it's nice to feel like somebody appreciates you, even if it can't work out under the current circumstances. Mine (that much younger guy) is still around ... about 2 months now. I see him a couple of times a week which is more than I have seen pretty much anybody else for the last 5 years! We just have such a good time together. We have pretty much decided not to sleep together any more (we did a couple of times)but there's still making out on the couch...

Sposa

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 11:07am

Thanks Sposa...just to clarify, it's more that he's telling me stories about his life so that I can know who he is rather than him wanting me to play therapist. And it's not that he's *forgotten* anything I've told him, but rather than he hasn't asked or given me a chance to tell it, so much of my "story" hasn't come up. But yes, the word "narcissist" comes to mind. And that's interesting you should say that you acted resentful, etc towards that guy...I can feel myself doing the same thing with this guy.

I'm glad to hear you are still having a good time with your younger guy!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 1:22pm
Sheri,
I've read and believed that on dates people should be learning about each other equally. I confess I haven't read your whole thread but I intend to. I've dated guys who only talked about themselves, stories and such. Married one and was in a relationship for over a year with another. The thing I learned the hard way was that after they'd finally run-out of stories, they lost virtually all interest in communicating with me at all. Sometimes they'd tell me about their day, etc., but the relationship never got any deeper, especially emotionally. That was even though I was married to one for nine years! Also, they had very little interest in hearing anything I had to say, ever. Of course, your guy could be different but a "man's desire is his kindness" so just because he's gentlemanly now doesn't mean he always would be. Sometimes a lot of talk is a way of covering a fear of intimacy, which I think both my men were terrified of. I don't want to discourage you, every situation is different. Just some food for thought. Best.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 2:49pm

- again don't compare... everyone is different and it doesn't sound like he is being someone looking for a therapist.

Sheri my current BF who is wonderful did this in the beginning.. but he is no where near like this now.. he was nervous, not a big dater, was married for 12 years and always has been a r'ship guy... sooo he talked about himself because he didn't really know how to "date" per say..and yes he was still trying to sell himself, but now are conversations are pretty reciprocal but he carries it more than i do and that is just fine w/ me..

so don't be so soon to axe it or judge it. everyone is unique and i think you should keep trying and see if it starts to change .. and yes keep talking about yourself too..

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 7:52pm

Hey there, I just wanted to say I should be able to make it to chat next week...I've had stuff going on for the last few Monday nights! I've missed you guys too (sniff)!

Sheri