Support, can anyone here please relate?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Support, can anyone here please relate?
13
Sun, 11-22-2009 - 9:49pm

Hello all. I've been in a so far successful long distance relationship for 3 years now. My boyfriend and I are 12 years apart I am almost 21. We met online back when I was in high school, through a file sharing (P2P) program and we were both hosts and helpers of a chatroom and our chatroom was like a family we had a lot of friends in that room together that would regularly go to this room, it was a help room where users could go to ask for troubleshooting help, etc..So we were friends before we started dating and saw each other in person. Another fact is that I was the one to flirt with him first and come on to him he never ever did anything perverted or said anything that would force me to do anything, it was all my doing I made the first "move" so to speak.

Well that was years ago and just last year my dad let me move to another state for college, which happened to be the state my bf lives in of course. Well, my dad made me move back "home" because he found out about my bf, yet apparently he knew about him all along and just didn't have enough "info" or proof about him to turn him in to the police I guess. Apparently he had a lot of our instant messaging conversations that I had no idea about, he never ever confronted me about this or made me stop being on the computer all that time when I was younger.

Of course from a parent's point of view he views my bf as a big bad predator and he's not at all. If he was I would know by now he would have done something after these 3 years of seeing each other in person and seeing him about every day when I lived by him last year. My mom also met him and she doesn't even know our history or how we met and I think she would know if he was a bad guy when she met him.

I really think we are meant to be otherwise there's no way our relationship would have lasted this long and is still going strong. I'm still trying to do everything I can to keep us a secret basically from my dad because he's already taken me away from him I don't want him to do anything else to make me never see him again. I'm almost 21 now and I'm still worried but don't think there's anything he could do now to turn my boyfriend in or keep me from him. The only thing he said was that if we ever got married he wouldn't have anything to do with me (which I think is stupid but whatever).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2009
Mon, 11-23-2009 - 12:38pm

Hi Stephanie,


Welcome to Online Dating. I'm glad you signed the roll call book and posted your question.


I've never had an experience like yours although I have always gravitated to older guys as well so I can understand the attraction. And there were certainly guys I brought home that my mom and dad didn't didn't care for.

 


Your final reward will be heartaches and tears if you’ve cheated the man in the glass.       &nb

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2009
Mon, 11-23-2009 - 2:35pm
Sorry I agree with your dad it seems creepy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Mon, 11-23-2009 - 3:06pm

Hello! Well, I've always been really mature for my age and actually when I first met my BF online I lied to him about my age and told him I was older and didn't actually tell him my real age until awhile later when I was actually of age. I really do not think that age matters once you are over 18. I know it should matter when someone is under 18 but we didn't meet in person until I was legal, so it's not as creepy as it seems. His parent's neighbors are also 12 years apart but in their 30s and 40s and I think this is why his parents aren't worried about us and people that see us together never think anything creepy, maybe in text it sounds weird but in person it doesn't.

Now that we've been dating in person for 3 years we do have a lot in common, we used to argue but now we hardly ever do and we get along great. It also seems normal to me because my only sibling is my brother who is 9 years older than me so I'm used to being around his friends and I've always hung out with older people such as my cousin and her friends. I never hang out with anyone younger than me.

We actually did break up for a year online before we actually "met" and I stopped talking to him for a year because I was into christianity and my best friend who was a religious freak told me I couldn't date him because at the time I didn't have a set faith and he is Catholic but my whole family is Catholic and now I finally converted too, but at the time I believed her and spent like every day at church with her. A year later I came to realize what I missed the most, him, and I was really strung up on religion so then I came back to my BF.

Yes it seems creepy from a parent's side because of the age thing but it's not like we ever did anything bad like I said we didn't meet in person until I was legal.

I have no intentions of breaking up with him to find someone else. Sure I see cute guys here and there but I feel we share so much and I really love him more than anyone and I really like his family. I plan on moving back with him and us getting an apartment together once I graduate and find a good job there.

He obviously feels the same about me, he's waited for me for a long time. He waited to meet me in person until I was legal, he's now waiting for me again through long distance after a year of being together. We've took turns back and forth to come see each other. I think it is meant to be and if it weren't it wouldn't have worked out by now. I mean we will truly see how it plays out after I graduate.

My mom has nothing against my BF. It's just my dad and I think the only reason he has anything against him is because he knows our past history and if he hadn't I think he would be fine with him. I'm not sure when they will ever even meet, probably not until I move back after I graduate and we live together.

Yes it seems creepy from a parent's side because of the age thing but it's not like we ever did anything bad like I said we didn't meet in person until I was legal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Mon, 11-23-2009 - 3:08pm
Really, age isn't everything.

Yes it seems creepy from a parent's side because of the age thing but it's not like we ever did anything bad like I said we didn't meet in person until I was legal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2009
Mon, 11-23-2009 - 6:01pm

My mom has nothing against my BF. It's just my dad and I think the only reason he has anything against him is because he knows our past history and if he hadn't I think he would be fine with him.


I see what you're saying but you can't change the past. He does know your history and my bigger point is that even if the two of you do end up together, I think you'll have an easier time of it if you proceed with the blessing of your parents.


So trying to mend the rift with dad, instead of keeping things in the closet even longer, just makes sense to me.


 


Your final reward will be heartaches and tears if you’ve cheated the man in the glass.       &nb

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Mon, 11-23-2009 - 9:26pm
Yeah I'm thankful I have a dad that cares but now that I'm old enough to know what's good for me or not and know that he's not a bad guy like it seems I feel like I shouldn't be given such a hard time about it. I just don't know how I will "mend the rift"?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2009
Tue, 11-24-2009 - 1:06am

but now that I'm old enough to know what's good for me or not and know that he's not a bad guy like it seems I feel like I shouldn't be given such a hard time about it.

 


Your final reward will be heartaches and tears if you’ve cheated the man in the glass.       &nb

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Tue, 11-24-2009 - 1:50am

Well, I very much appreciate that he supports me financially and always has, my mom has never been able to afford to but I've always lived with my dad up until college, they have been divorced since I was little however my mom and I have a much better relationship than my dad and I. I'm not the one who turns my back against him he's the one that said he wouldn't have anything to do with me if I ended up marrying him so that's his choice not mine. That's not going to stop me from marrying a person I love more than ANYONE and want to have a family with. I mean my dad is just this way, he has nothing to do with his mom, my grandma, all because she helped my aunt pay her bills and stuff for awhile and her children, my dad hasn't talked to my grandma for years just because of this, and he would do the same to me just because he may not like my boyfriend. I'm not going to stop living my life and do everything he wants me to do just so he can have his way. He's a very controlling man he's a business owner and takes his work home with him. He's very intimidating and a lot of people in my family don't like him and know how he is. I know from his view he just wants the best for me but I think he really just wants his way and can't deal with the fact that I'm becoming more and more of adult each day and not his little child anymore.

I let him know when I was still in college a year ago where my bf was that if he made me move back "home" than I was just going to move back once I graduate and he's like that's fine. The only reason I moved back was for him and because he agreed to pay for my college if I moved back so this is where I'm at now. If I were to stay he said he would have made me pay for my college which means loans and would have taken away my car which is really his and my cell phone and everything so I really had no choice but to move back. When I graduate it's a different story but if we no longer have a relationship it won't be up to me it will be his choice because it's not what I want but if he wants to hate me just because of my boyfriend than that's pathetic.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 11-24-2009 - 10:28am

I guess I would wonder what kind of messages your BF was sending to you years ago that have made your dad upset. If you were chatting about how to play an online game or something like that (sorry I don't really know what kind of chatroom you were in) I don't think there is anything wrong w/ that no matter how old people are. If he was sending you messages of a sexual nature, even though he didn't know you were underage, I could see how that could upset your dad. I do not think he could be prosecuted for that if you told him you were over 18, so there would be nothing that your dad could go to the police about. By the way, if a person THINKS that someone is underage and sends them sexual messages, it is a criminal offense even if the person is actually an adult--police do this as a sting operation all the time to catch child molesters. So I guess I would find out exactly what it is that upset your dad about your past contact, I would assume it was because you were flirting w/ this guy. But as you said, you didn't meet in person until you were over 18 and if that's the case, I don't see it as such a big deal that there is a 12 yr age difference at your current age.

I think that based on the fact that your dad is still supporting you, if you want that, you need to make the decision to do what he wants now. After you graduate from college and are supporting yourself, then you can move back to your BF's town. As a parent of a 20 yr old, I would want my DD to get a job, get her own apt and date the guy for a while in real life before deciding to move in together or get married. I think you need to spend more time w/ him in person before deciding whether to get married. I also think you should use this current time when you're living w/ your dad to date other guys, even though you don't want to. I just think that having no dating experience and marrying your first BF usually isn't a good idea when you have nothing to compare him to. If you try dating other guys & no one else compares to him, at least you can tell your dad that you did try somewhat to look for someone else. Then if you do those things and your dad still doesn't come around, you are right--you will be making an adult decision and it's your life and he really has no right to tell you who to marry or not. He should at least meet the man before he forms an opinion on him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2009
Tue, 11-24-2009 - 2:32pm

I can understand you chafing under his attempt to control you. It's natural and probably frustrating.


But you can't change who

 


Your final reward will be heartaches and tears if you’ve cheated the man in the glass.       &nb

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