Sure most of the time

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Sure most of the time
14
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 2:15pm
Well, here it goes. I have been envolved with a man I met in MSN chat for

several months. This is not my first cyber fling so unlike most I don't have

major hangups about it. However, this time my partner of choice is married.

We were just chat friends whispering back and forth both of us writers. One

day he came out and told me he cared and wanted a long term relationship with

me. He had cybered with others in the chat room I knew about that so I wasnt

surprised the discussions became intimate over time. Soon the entire chat room

was aware we were a "couple" he was openly discussing it proudly. We exchanged

pics and we talk about everything. Making plans for the future and we opened

our own chat room and run it together. He works nights and chats with me before

he leaves for work and when he arrives home till morning. His wife wakes and

he says goodnight to me and goes to bed. Many times after we talk online he calls

me from work to talk before he starts his shift. Some afternoons she is there

when we talk online we just keep our chat as friends. He has cried on the phone

and assures me we will be together soon and I know he spends as much time as

possible with me. From what he tells me his wife is bisexual and sleeps with women

also. He admits he basically looks the other way because he doesnt love her. But

he does care that shes okay. He insists they dont have sex since he has been with

me and that between the job and me he could never even consider being with her.

I live above my parents and he discussed with me if I move to another apartment

he will immediately leave her and move in. We have written together and met I

wont sleep with him of course because hes married. In a month I am moving and

he plans to be with me. I really do believe I love him I have been married before

Im not so young anymore,lol. He has told me they live in filth and she goes to

and takes her son along. She doesnt work he pays all the bills. He is aware when

he leaves they are going to end up in a shelter or with a friend since she doesnt

work. I have talked with him as he does laundry and cleans honestly I believe him.

Once he told me about the landlord stopping by he was embarrassed. He said when

he worked days he was able to do the cleaning but now he cant keep up. Shes always

out. Some guys say alot about wives and its all fiction. But I believe him. I do

want to take him in to help him out so he can get on his feet and out of his

situation, relationship or not hes my friend. BUT, I have my kids..they are number

one. Im so confused

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Avatar for kelstev
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 2:43pm
Hi and welcome. I guess my first question is if your children are #1, then why on earth would you want this stranger to come and live with u and your children? Another question I have is why does he say u should move out of your apartment above your parents? I also want to say that u shouldn't believe everything that you are told. He's still having sex with his wife. Why would he just all of a sudden stop having sex with her because he is TALKING online with you? People will say what you want to hear. He's probably not happy in his marriage (why would he be doing what he's doing online with so many women..not just you if he was happy) and tells you his sad, sad stories about how bad his wife is. Remember, there are TWO sides to every story...you are hearing only his side. Also..does he think he can just leave his family and not be responsible for them? I just don't understand why you would even want to be with a man like this. I also believe that if he wanted a clean apartment, he would maybe stop with all his online activities and get it cleaned.

Good Luck with this one...I think you'll need it

Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 3:41pm
First of all, welcome to our board. I hope I, or all of us here can help you in every way. I want to tell you a story and maybe through my story, you can see some of yourself, if not...well...I will tell you what I think you should do after that. So, here goes. ( I will try to make it short)

I was married, divorced now, but I have two little boys, (they are my number one priority!) and I met a married man on line as well. We were simply two people looking for someone to talk to. We had similar problems in our marriages and he was aware of my intentions of wanting to leave my husband at the time. He and his wife had been married a year or so less than my husband and I. They had no kids. We became friends, then instantly connected. I will not lie, we fell in love with one another. He saw pictures of me and we did not have web cams to see each other. I never saw a picture of him. I accepted that for some reason. He claimed he had never connected with anyone like me and thought of me as his soulmate. He wanted to be with me. So, we were planning to meet half way for the day. He ends up being in an accident and is on bed rest for 6 weeks. In that time we continued to talk over the phone daily. I still lived with my husband.

We planned another date to meet, but as time went on it never happened. Things kept happening to keep the date from being made.(Was it meant to be or not?) He became depressed and kept promising that once he was better he would leave his wife. Again, never saw what he looked like. Not even a pic. So, I decided to go on as planned and leave my husband. No, I didnt leave my husband due to this man. I left because my kids and I deserve to have something more and be truly happy. So, now we are. After I left, I tried to keep in contact with him, but with the divorce I was in and the problems I was having personally, we lost a few weeks or more of contact and for months it seemed, we were not speaking. SO, finally he gets in touch and he is better from his accident and I still thought he might leave his wife. We had been talking for over 6 months at this point. Finally, he tells me he and his wife are pregnant. He is sad and claims they only had sex once. The pregnancy was no surprise to me, since I knew every single time they had sex. At least, from what he told me. SO, she had been pregnant the whole time and he says she just told him and he was telling me as soon as he had gotten the news. SO, he said he was still leaving her and wanted to be with me. He was very unhappy with her and claimed there was nothing between them anymore. Well, fast forward. For one year this man told me he would leave. After his child was born, he still said he would leave. I still believed him. (I was a fool) What happened you ask? Well, I got smart. I changed and he was no longer someone I wanted. I told him it was over and he should stay with his wife and child. He was devastated and claimed it was because he had finally, after one year sent me a pic. It was certainly not the pic. I ended it, because it was not right to continue something with a married man, when I truly had no idea what was happening in that house. I felt he had been honest with me, but I was still 2nd, because he never left. He would tell me how awful it was, and how he was so unhappy, but he would never leave. He would say he was going to after his daughter was older, and it was just one excuse after another. He gave me as much time as a married man could, yes. I was still 2nd. I was not first. So, I asked myself what I wanted out of a real relationship. Someone who would do anything in the world for me. Someone who put me first on their list. Someone who was available.

I am certainly not saying that my situation was the same as yours now, but I am saying I know how it feels to be in love with someone who is not emotionally available for you at the moment. When you get to a point when you need him, I mean really need him...and he is not there, you will realize the truth about the situation. I was confused for so long, because I wanted so much to have this man want me after my divorce. I wanted so much to be rescued that easily from everything. My kids are important to me and were during this time. After things began to unfold, I saw the truth. Listen to your heart in this. You know what you should do, and you need to do it. I have not spoken to Rob since I ended things. I feel stupid and like I was lied to for a year of my life, but then I think...I needed him to see something in myself. I found myself. So, it was not a total loss. Just something I needed at the time. I do not need him anymore. All I need are my two boys and me. We are happy. I hope you find some answers in my post. Sorry, it got so long. I just wanted to share with you, my whole story. I hope it helped. Goodluck to you sweetie. I would really think twice about continuing this relationship. He needs to deal with his life, and not use you as an escape and I feel that is what he is doing. Dont let him make one more excuse for not leaving. End it before it is too late.

Gail

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 6:28pm



Okay I agree on one hand he should resolve problems himself

That is my concern about taking him in. However, the child

that lives with him is not his, they have been married a year.

He is the only one working, she worked till they married and then

quit her job. Has had three jobs since though. There is no physical

reason he should support her, she gets no support because she doesnt

know who the father of her child is. And I know he does houswork I have

to wait while he changes the laudry loads over when we talk. I have

talked with his twin brother and met him briefly. He has talked with me

and so has his new wife. They have confirmed alot of what I am told.

And she came into chat twice trying to cyber me so I know she is bisexual.

His accusations of her fooling around I believe because she is never there.

He discusses everything with me. His bills and his problems, and has told me

he would like to get together its entirely up to me. He just doesnt have the

courage to face her. And that is the issue here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 6:33pm
The issue here is that you need to run - not walk - to find a good therapist - and not just for your sake - for the sake of your children. That is the only issue - not him, not his disgusting treatment of his wife and children, not whether this would-be adulterer should get to be around you or your children in person (G-d forbid!). Tell him you are willing to talk to him one year after his divorce is final and not a mintue sooner. Until then, find a therapist and figure out why you would ever let yourself get involved in this mess. And no the answer is not "because I love him." Please get help.
Avatar for kelstev
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 7:12pm
He is treated so poorly, has to do all the housework, she fools around on him, the baby isn't his, she won't work to help with the bills, doesn't get any sex from her, PLUS she is bi sexual and I'm sure he told you that he didn't have a clue about that before they married....and he doesn't have the courage to face her?? Wow!! What kind of man is that and do you really want him in your life if he is so spineless? No...I think there is much more to this situation. I think you are dealing with a guy who is way too wrapped up in the internet. He needs to get things in order and I don't mean the laundry.

You didn't mention why he is asking your to move out of your parents place. I think I know why...but just curious as to why he would ask you to do that.

Oh and about the baby not being his...don't be so sure of that...and don't be surprised to hear that one day soon they'll be having another baby...cuz I bet you anything they are still having sex.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 8:22pm


Well, first of let me say my apt above my parents is much too small for him

to be with us its two bedrooms I have three kids. I share my room with my

daughter. He agreed we would find an apartment together and work out our bills.

Am I sure the child isnt his the boy is nine hes only known her almost two years.

If she explores outside the relationship thats not his fault. He is at home cooking

and cleaning when he is not at work..I do not need therapy because I care about

this man and what happens to him. I am incredible mother that nutures, plays along

with, and loves her kids. I have spent years raising them alone. I posted here

believing I would get advice not loaded judgements. Guess you are all perfect.

The other boards heard me out and gave nice advice.



Thanks for setting me straight on this board

Avatar for linds8300
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 11:11pm
I agree with what Kelly said....if he was so unhappy in his marraige why is he waiting until he can move in with you to leave her? I don't quite understand either....and I would definately use caution before moving him in with you and your kids!

Lindsay

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Avatar for linds8300
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 11:16pm
First of all...what does him doing housework have to do with your relationship? Everyone does housework at one point or another....enough said.

Second, just b/c the person in the chat room told you that they were this guys wife doesn't mean it was really her....you have to be careful with this stuff, don't just take everyone's word for it....do your own research and find out everything you can. Thats being safe and you should especially be extremely careful b/c your dragging your kids into this as well.

Lindsay

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Avatar for linds8300
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 11:21pm
Whoa, whoa, whoa....don't be so quick to say those things about us....you came here looking for advice on an online relationship...everyone on this board has been in an online relationship at one point in their life....I don't know what other board you posted on, but it is doubtful that they have had the experience the people on this board have ahd with online relationships....we've seen girls come here hurt b/c the guy they were with was a total fake and lied to them. I have been the victim of a guy I really cared about lying to me about practically his whole life.

The point we are trying to get across here is to BE CAREFUL. You can't trust everyone you meet online, there are a lot of wierdo's out there who just love girls like you who are so trusting and caring....proceed with caution before you get yourself and your children into a bad situation.

Lindsay

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 2:22am


I am so sorry I popped in here. You arent giving advice

you are judging both of us. We are concerned we cant afford

separate apartments and his divorce isnt final yet I dont know

the courts there he is in another country. My concern is

he should have time alone but I want to help but for christ sakes

I know this man and met him and talked to his family. I even met

his father who is dying of cancer. Never met the wife only spoke

on the phone. Believe me......I know whats going on. Its a good idea

you dont tell new people they need a therapist or cracks about their

parenting. I just wanted your damn advice about encouraging him to live



alone. He is leaving his country to come live his life with me. sighs

Its not like we havent met I know who he is and he has spent time with

me and my kids. What a waste of time and effort

Oh and to run from a friend who needs help.....never I have invited

two people to dinner from the chat room here at ivillage because they

had no where to go. I am his friend.



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