Taking it slow?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2005
Taking it slow?
13
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 2:33am

I had 3 dates with a guy I met on Match. He is 11 years older than me, a mature middle-aged guy that is looking for marriage. We had great time together each date laughing and sharing our life stories. There was no touching, kissing or any sexual suggestions involved.
It’s been a month since we first met. We see each other once every weekend, and the rest of the times just emailing or occasionally he would call me. He didn’t ask for a date on V-day, which I thought was ok since I had other obligations anyway. I emailed him in the morning just to say happy v-day, and he called me tonight to say “happy Valentine’s day” back to me. He made it clear that he didn’t go on a date, and I did the same. He also asked me on another date this coming weekend.

Am I being too anxious to feel that he is being slow? Does this look normal for a beginning of a relationship? I see that he stills checks Match every day, which is bothering me a little. Can someone tell me in a normal online dating situation, what should be happening a month into the relationship?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
In reply to: bigidig
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 7:08am

Has there been any physical contact at all at this point?


You should expect him to still be on match. If there is no agreement of being committed to each other, then both of you are free to date. (And personally if I were you, I would date other mean and not put all your eggs in one basket.) It may be going slow because you were hoping for it to go a bit faster...


Aside from the physical part, the way you're describing it sounds quite normal. Hope this helps.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2005
In reply to: bigidig
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 11:39am
The only physical contact would be a few hugs at the beginning and the end of the our dates. They were good ones though.
I really like him and would like to see how things go before I go on other dates. I never really tried dating more than one guy, don't really know how to handle multiple dates, actually. while I understand logically it is ok for him to still be checking his Match, it still makes me feel insecure about us. I would think normally, if you like someone you meet, wouldn't you just give it a shot and try to focus on this person until there absolutely is nothing there after all? If he still has to think about whether we match or not at this point, what are the chances that this can work? May be I'm not being realistic? Thanks for the reply.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: bigidig
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 12:15pm

No, I wouldn't say that's the "norm". I feel it's important not to put all my eggs in one basket too soon...one particular guy might *seem* like a good guy, but I'm not going to really KNOW that until we have been dating for at least a couple months. So why would I stop meeting other people in the meantime, until I have a better idea of how good a match one particular guy really is for me?

How on earth is he supposed to KNOW after only 3 dates whether you're a good match or not???? All he can and should "know" at this point is that he enjoys your company and wants to see you again.

You're certainly not wrong to want to date the way you describe if that's your preference, it's just not so common these days, so you may not find men who agree with your approach. It's like we've gone back to how dating was in the 50s...you go out on lots of dates with different guys (and you certainly don't have sex ;-)) until one guy asks you to "go steady" (be exclusive).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2005
In reply to: bigidig
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 12:40pm

Hi Sheri,

The thing that confuses me is that in these days, we hear so many stories about getting involved too quickly, how a guy is head over heels for a girl, and nobody really takes the time to get to know the other person anymore. Aren't those things the "norm" instead? I find my guy and his slow action "abnormal" in today's dating scene, but surprisingly you are saying the opposite.

I'm new to online dating, and may still need to adjust my thinking. In real life, a guy meets a girl, likes a girl, so he will pursue her and want to be with her. Simple as that. There's not so much thinking about whether she's eventually a good match or not. They say "Love is blind", isn't that how a normal relationship starts? In an online relationship, I feel like we are in a market, and everyone is vulnerable, waiting to be picked and selected. It's too practical and logical sometimes.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: bigidig
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 1:08pm

Well, I was talking about the "norm" for emotionally healthy people, not unhealthy infatuation junkies ;-).

And I have to disagree that 'real life' dating works like you describe. I haven't met a lot of people I've dated offline in recent years, but in the situations where I did, we still had a non-exclusive dating period where we were getting to know each other. I think that's how smart, self-aware, mature, emotionally healthy people date, regardless of how they met. If someone isn't thinking about whether I'm a good match for him, that's not someone I really want to be with, frankly!!!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2005
In reply to: bigidig
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 2:34pm
Thanks for your advice. I agree about the emotionally healthy people vs. emotionally unhealthy people. The ones that started really quickly ended just as quickly in my case. So my answer is that he is doing the right (and good) thing, and we'll just have to see what happens.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
In reply to: bigidig
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 4:59pm

Hello There,


 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2005
In reply to: bigidig
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 9:10pm

Apparently this guy is disappearing on me after all. I have not a slightest idea what happened to us that made him “ghosting” on me. I can’t believe that my judgment of this guy is really so far off from reality! He last called me on V-day, and said he’ll call later in the week. It’s Sunday night, and nothing from him. I have a show coming up with me performing in it and he once said he’ll come for that. Should I send him an invitation via email just to test the water?

He’s been very responsive and mature ever since we met. He always called if he said he’d call, and etc…. Do people (including genuine ones) online do this often? What can be said about this kind of behavior, to just disappear on someone? I honestly thought he and I at least could be friends. We got along really well. This is such a disappointment to me!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: bigidig
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 12:42am

Yes, I'm afraid it happens all the time.

You could send the email, but then if he responds, you don't know if he's doing so just to be polite or what. The only way to tell if he's really interested is to see if he calls or not.

If you are sincerely interested in being friends, I'd wait another week or so, then send him an email that says something like, "hey, I'm assuming that since I haven't heard from you, you've decided we're not a match. I'm disappointed but I respect your decision. I really enjoy your company, however, so if you'd be up for it, I'd like to hang out as friends from time to time." I sent a similar email to a guy who became one of my closest male friends, when he didn't call after a 2nd date years ago. We're friends to this day (I even went to his wedding).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
In reply to: bigidig
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 4:06am

I'll throw in a trans-pacific view-point, here.

It is uncommon, from my experience, in Australia for people to date (even at the getting to know you stage) more than one person at a time. There is an aura of exclusivity very early on in the process. This is probably more so for women than men.

Some may do it, but they are generally frowned upon socially for dating more than one guy at a time, even early on.

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