Taking it slow... how?
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Taking it slow... how?
| Wed, 12-14-2005 - 12:31pm |
So far I've been good at taking things slow with P, well at least I thought I was.
| Wed, 12-14-2005 - 12:31pm |
So far I've been good at taking things slow with P, well at least I thought I was.
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Jennie, if you don't care about the risk, as you state, then why are you asking? I'm not asking to try to be difficult ;-), but on some level you must care, or you wouldn't be asking these questions, would you be? In any event, you can always slow things down if you CHOOSE to.
Also, I'm curious...did you guys talk about the situation with the ex in chat the other night? That would be at least a caution flag for me...not that there aren't completely psycho exes out there, but my experience has been that the guy has *usually* done something to keep the ex hooked in and create expectations on her part (in other words, it's not all in the ex's head).
Sheri
So should I delete my post, because I feel like letting things move a little faster then asking for advice here is pointless?
It was an honest question, trying to get to the bottom of why you're asking, partly so I can give you an answer that's useful to you, and partly to get you to think about whether you actually ARE ok with the risk. I guess I'm wondering if you really are...yet you said in your OP that you were ok with it. No need to get touchy, I hope you know by now my questions and posts are well intentioned ;-).
Ok...so you have a red flag...the smart reaction to that is slow down, take your time, and get as much information as possible before jumping in. You know what he has said at this point, and it sounds legit...but only observing his actions *over time* (i.e., more than a couple weeks, no matter how many hours you've spent together) will let you know whether his words and actions are congruent, and/or whether there is more to the story.
BTW, I'm not sure it's true that there is always a red flag, or that no red flags means someone is perfect...it just means there's nothing that causes alarm. People can have flaws without them arising to the level of "red flag" flaws, if that makes sense.
Anyway...if you really do want to slow things down, how you do that is see each other no more than 2-3 times a week for at least another month or so and no more sleepovers. I also find it helpful to remind myself frequently, "yes, he SEEMS great, but time will tell".
I'm curious, what does your counselor say? Is he in favor of moving more quickly?
Sheri
Maybe my question would be how do you slow down when your head knows it's smart but no part of you really wants to slow down?
Ah, ok, that I can answer ;-). I have actually managed to do that a couple times ;-), and what's worked is to remind myself of a few things like:
--how great things seemed with other guys in the beginning and how wrong I've been in the past
--the fact that if it's the love of a lifetime, you'll have a lifetime to enjoy it, so what's the rush
--the related fact that I've never regretted NOT rushing into things, but have regretted rushing
--how hurt I've been following the pattern of rushing into things and how I want to take better care of myself THIS time
I think it's lovely that he has given you the gifts he has...but they could also be looked on as too much too soon (the whole c'phobe fantasy thing). Time will tell.
But bottom line...if you want to take the risk, take the risk wholeheartedly. If you want to reduce the risk by waiting and taking things slowly (and that's all you're ever doing, reducing, not eliminating), then embrace that notion wholeheartedly also.
Sheri
"But bottom line...if you want to take the risk, take the risk wholeheartedly. If you want to reduce the risk by waiting and taking things slowly (and that's all you're ever doing, reducing, not eliminating), then embrace that notion wholeheartedly also."
Sheri's a beautiful, pragmatic, philosopher. I loved that and I'm a guy.
John
But I'm not going to give up any of my other interests even if we do get serious.
That sounds like a plan! The only caveat I might have is not having sleepovers either. Not only do they increase the likelihood that sex will happen ;-), but I find that sleeping in the same bed is really intimate (whether you have sex or not), so they move you along faster than you might want to go.
Sheri
Glad that everything is going well with you. I would take Sheri's advice to take it slowly, but if you don't feel like it, just do what your heart tells you, do it 100% and do it right. I am doing the same thing with my guy, eventhough I've found some small issues regarding his behavior, I am still going out with him and getting to know him better each day. To keep you up to date, you can read my post of today "what is your opinion" under ask Steve N.
Good luck with your move too.
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