"The Taking it Slow Talk"

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
"The Taking it Slow Talk"
3
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 1:00pm

OK, I heard back from Mr. Handsy that Saturday should work for meeting up for dinner. He didn't seem upset that I asked to meet out either instead of going to his house but his answer was by email sooo...

Anyway, that brings me to coming up with a tactful but firm way to say that I need him to back off a bit. The affection is part of it but I also how meeting all his friends on what was obviously a "couples" event on what *I* considered to be our first date (he thought of the first meet as a date b/c he said in an email something about "a third date"). Along with the "instant girlfriend" status, also how the 8 hours plus date and the handsiness were very overwhelming to me. I'm not very good at these kinds of conversations. I usually go over it in my head a million times and think of what I want to say and either it doesn't come out anywhere near that way or I don't really come up with a good way to say it.

Any suggestions?

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 1:09pm

What I have always done is to bring it up in the moment because I have never found a good way to bring it up out of the blue that doesn't make it into a much bigger deal than it is. If you respond in the moment, it feels more natural and less like this is some huge issue you've been stewing over. I.e., if he starts getting a bit overly frisky I back off and say, I like to take things slowly; or if he says something that feels "too much" to me, I say something like, you've probably noticed that I am somewhat reserved with people I don't know very well.

I read your other post about this guy, and I am fairly confident that he will do something that will give you an opportunity to bring it up naturally in response to his words or actions. :) Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 2:52pm

LOL - you are right in that I am sure he will do something that will be touchy-feely and allow the topic to come up. I guess my problem is (and I'd have this if I brought it up out of the blue too) is that the other night, while it made me uncomfortable, I didn't really say anything because I was so overwhelmed with the whole day. I want to think that he did ask me that night if I was OK with it (early on, I think) and I didn't protest. I think that was because 1) I was so overwhelmed at that point that I wasn't enough "there" to really handle it 2) it started out more slowly with just hand holding but soon increased to the back stroking, hand on my knee or arms and that awkward way you are holding hands AND one of you has your arm behind the other... and 3) I don't know how to say that stuff very well - I am almost always TOO accomodating and sometimes do things that I don't really want to do because I am afraid of offending someone or hurting their feelings. I am so non-confrontational, it's almost ridiculous.

I like your responses too. But I guess I almost feel I am a hypocrite because I "allowed" it last time but now I want him to back off? I've got myself in a mess. He also mentioned it in an email he sent Sunday night after the date and I just let it slide by. Is it bad to say something about how the other night I wasn't really sure how to approach it and that while I am OK with a moderate level of affection that I need it to come more slowly ?

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 3:29pm

I think it is fine to say it that way - that will get it all out in the open. Wait till he makes his move and say, I probably should have made this clear the other night, I just wasn't sure how to say it but I would prefer to take things more slowly physically, I am really enjoying getting to know you and will feel more comfortable showing affection as I get to know you better.

Don't ever feel like it is too late to say something! BTDT and that doesn't lead anywhere good - best thing to do is get it out there. Better late than never. :) If you are going to have any sort of future with him you need to be able to talk to him about stuff like this, right?